A
female
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*una~
writes:Am I a bad person if I don't love my boyfriend's daughter?She's a nice girl and everything. But I just don't like her way of doing things sometimes. When she wants something, she gets it. If she was my daughter, I would not let her be that way. I'm not a kid person to start with, but dealing with a seven years old girl is not a problem for me (as I am a teacher). When I spend time with the girl, it seems like I can't say no or else she will show I don't care about her. A lot of people say I should just be a friend to her, but I think being my boyfriend's girlfriend, you have to do more than that. Everyone is watching to see if you qualify to be the little girl's future step-mom. That adds a lot of stress.Oh, I'm scare. When the girl said to me today that I'm her step-mom, I was absolutely terrified. I don't know if I just don't want to be or not ready to be. I also heard my boyfriend's mom was saying one day, they'll figure a way to have the girl back living with her father. That means WITH ME TOO.What am I suppose to do at this stage? My boyfriend and I had been dating for 2 years (we're both in our mid 20s). We are planning to live together soon. I like the lifestyle of a couple. Am I just too selfish? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): Old question, I know but for those who are in this situation, I wish to help.
First of all, everyone says children come first, and believe me, their health and well-being absolutely do. However, do not under any circumstances obey their EVERY whim! Especially if they aren't yours. That is the best way to turn them into spoilt brats who will walk all over you.
If they ask you for something, don’t say “yes”, say “maybe you should ask your dad”.
Treat them like a friend and if they do something naughty, tell your boyfriend and let him deal with it. If he doesn’t do enough, treat them like you would an adult friend and either tell them they are acting stupid and you don’t want to hang around people who act like that, or ignore them.
My other half has two kids and when one of them asked if I was their step-mother, I said "No, hun, I'm your dad's girlfriend". Boundary set - everyone happy!
Granted, you have to be the other adult in the house and set a positive example so avoid swearing.
Sure you have to give up SOME things, but what’s stopping you from living your life the way you lived it before? Want to go out and have fun? Go out with some girlfriends and have fun! Want to flirt with your boyfriend? Flirt away!
Seriously, having kids around the house SHOULD NOT stop you from living your life the way YOU want to.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (4 November 2007):
 You decide what you are going to do in this stage. You will be too selfish if you think you can put yourself at all in front of his child. Kids come first, and to think otherwise is selfish and fantasizing something that aint going to happen.
Until your married. Your rights are to just be her friend. Additional rights are extended after the wedding day, but not before.
I think if you are not ready, you need to call it off. Don't try, unless your ready too. This is a child, in need of stability and having people in her life who will care for her needs, physically, and mentally. When it comes to the health and well being of his child, it really doesn't matter how he feels about you. I'm not knocking you, or your relationship. I just want to get across that when someone has a child, you're accepting that fact in a relationship. If you can't, it's your duty to recognize it and end the relationship. What's not good for the child is not good for their parent.
I'm sure being a teacher you understand the importance of parental involvement in the growth and development of children. That includes step-parents.
Here's where you become unselfish. Make a decision if you're ready or not. If not, for the benefit of his child, end this relationship and seek one that fits the lifestyle you seek without kids.
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