A
female
age
30-35,
*ilac1991
writes:Hi all,Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my question.I am having some trouble with my relationship and would really appreciate some help in figuring out the problem.I met my boyfriend 7 months ago at my new job. If I’m honest I never looked at him in that way to begin with because he is 3-4 years younger than me and had a girlfriend at the time. When I first started he kindly offered to take me to and from work every day as he lives in the same place as me and it would mean we could share fuel money, which worked out in both our favours. Still thinking nothing of it, he took me to and from work every day for a couple of weeks and it so happened that his girlfriend was actually a very jealous person who didn’t want him taking me to work because I was a girl.In spite of this he carried on taking me because he refused to let her control him anymore, and would tell me all about how she wouldn’t let him see his friends or do anything without her. We became quite good friends as I think he found me as someone he could talk to. Anyway to cut a long story short he broke up with her soon after he met me, I think him meeting me and the chats we had made him realise he deserved better than that.Soon after his break up we started seeing each other more and more and he says that he almost instantly fell in love with me, and to this day he’s madly in love with me. My trouble is this – I really thought I could fall for him when we were first getting together. Everything was there, the tension the excitement the romance… but I feel him coming on so strong in the beginning stopped me from falling for him?7 months later here I am and I love him, I have the best time with him and we have so much in common. He gets on with my family and I believe I make him so much happier than he was before. But I’m not in love with him.I don’t know if it’s his age or if it’s him… but he wants to be with me 24/7 and if I want to spend time alone or with friends etc he gets really upset and funny about me wanting that. He’s so insecure, to the point that I could do something so small to upset him. He would rather I spend all my time with him, and he questions who people are that have liked my profile picture on facebook or if I mention male friends from uni he questions them so that I reassure him that they aren’t ex-lovers or something. He needs constant reassurance that I want to be with him, and hates it when I talk to other guys at work even though I have to as it’s my job to. Yet I have to act like I’m fine with how close he is with this other girl in HR, because I don’t want to be like his ex-girlfriend. I get over it and yet he calls me up on every little thing if it’s to do with another guy no matter the situation. I feel a little bit like he’s being extremely hypocritical in that he is doing to me exactly what his ex-girlfriend did to him, but he can’t see it! This is a real break down of the situation, but I don’t want to sit here all day trying to explain our relationship over pages and pages. The long and short of it is I love him and I want to be with him, but I don’t know what else I can do because it’s mentally draining me and no matter how I try and communicate this to him he just doesn’t get it :(
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at work, broke up, ex girlfriend, facebook, fell in love, his ex, insecure, jealous, money Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2015): Hi OP
I think it may be an age/experience thing, when i was about 18 and in my first serious relationship i was very possessive and jealous. Looking back i can see now how immature and inexperienced i was with regards to relationships, so maybe it's a bit of that?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2015): You aren't in love with him and he is controlling. What's there to save? Break up and tell him that if how he described his ex was true then he of all people should know what it's like for someone wanting to know your every move. It's not healthy.
Don't stay with someone your not in love with, it wastes both of your life when you could be enjoying yourself and meeting someone you do want to be with. Your family will understand, you should not have tolerated his behaviour for this long.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 June 2015):
 I think he talked a BIT smack about his ex-gf that SHE was clingy, when in fact HE is/was the clingy one, he just USED that as an excuse as to WHY he broke up with her.
He made HER look bad, so HE didn't look bad in your eyes. GET what I am saying?
He wanted to dump her. He pursued you, pretending to be "friendly" but really just testing the waters. And once he figure you MIGHT respond positively he dumped her because she was "allegedly clingy" he started dating you SOON after.
And now his TRUE colors are coming out. HE is CLINGY and INSECURE he wants to CONTROL your life, whom you see, whom you talk to, what you DO with your free time.
I think he feels it's TOTALLY OK for him to talk to other women (because he is male) but you.. "the weak female" can't talk to other men, because they are ALL out to try and "get" you... Yet, WHAT did he do with you? He TALKED to you, BEFRIENDED you, and as soon as he was single HE made a play for you...
Personally, I couldn't date someone with this level of insecurity and double standards.
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