A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I apologize for the long winded question. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now, and our relationship is great, nearly perfect. We plan on moving in together soon. We rarely fight, and I am very much in love with him. When we do fight, it's usually the same reason. One of his closer friends is someone we've both known for years, and before I started dating my boyfriend, we got into an argument and we both said some pretty horrible things. However, we’ve since patched things up, and we can be friendly to each other. However, the friend is emotionally manipulative and he lies to us. Almost every night, he calls my boyfriend last minute to hang out, usually to go to the bar (which immediately excludes me, as I'm not drinking age where we live). When my boyfriend says no he gets very upset. Three times while we've been together, they've stopped speaking altogether, and my boyfriend has given me reason after reason he doesn't want to be friends with this guy. We then go through a stressful period of breaking ties with him. He calls both of us constantly, upwards of ten times a day, after we've asked him not to. Last time, he even started showing up at MY house looking for him, and he would leave notes on his car while he was at work (he doesn't work anywhere near him). The behavior is frightening. Every time he ends up forgiving the friend, and everything goes back to normal. Today he called me, telling me my boyfriend was hanging out with him after work (we have plans, and I know my boyfriend didn’t say that) and that my boyfriend is lying to me about when he gets off work, that he actually gets off earlier (I trust my boyfriend, not to mention my mother is his boss). He’s told both of us these kinds of lies.My boyfriend tries to make plans with him, and then he cancels last minute. He always says beforehand that we should all hang out as a group, but when it comes down to it he refuses to do anything but go drinking, so we don’t end up hanging out. I’m trying to be the bigger person but I’m getting tired of this. This guy is manipulative, lies to us, and can sometimes be downright creepy. My boyfriend says he’s tired of it too, but doesn’t want to hurt his friend’s feelings. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): By the sounds of things this friend doesn't add any value to your life or your boyfriends life.I can understand that your boyfriend doesn't want to hurt his feelings but at the same time it is hurting yours. I do think you need to address this before you move in together as it sounds like you guys are going further with your relationship. This friend sounds a little unstable at times so maybe your boyfriend is afraid of what he may do. You need to tell your boyfriend how important it is to you that he distance himself from this friendship. If you both decide that it would be for the best change your mobile numbers or have his number blocked which your phone company may be able to arrange.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): It sounds like you're getting to a 'him or me' situation. If that's the case, you have to decide. It sounds like your b/f isn't putting you and your feelings first, and is having trouble making the break with an immature holdover from his past. Is this a make or break for you? Can you live without your b/f? If so, then give the ultimatum -- him or me.
Frankly the guy sounds like bad news, and if you b/f can't make the break, you're probably better off in the long run.
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