A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for three years and we've lived together for most of that time. We've had our ups and downs, but the biggest problems are that he's sterile (which I've known about but I'm starting to really want kids), he can be overly possessive (not violent, but will give the silent treatment for days over little stuff) and we live in the middle of nowhere where he has a career, but there are no opportunities for me. I spend a lot of the day home alone. So I want to move to a new town and get a job and really change my life. But he is taking it very hard. He has always been loving and supportive and taken care of me and really is a good guy ... just maybe not the guy for me. But I'm really worried about how much I'll hurt him if I leave. I worry about him staying in this house alone and being depressed. I've never broken up with someone just because of my own needs, it's always been because the person did something wrong ... and this guy hasn't done anything wrong other than be a little too jealous of my time. I know I need to be proactive with my life, especially if I want a family someday ... but how do I hurt someone I love? It's killing me to see him so upset, but this life isn't working for me and he can't leave because of his career and a house he owns. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): Thanks for answering. It's interesting to have gotten two complete opposite responses, which really reflects how torn I am about leaving. I think I've decided that a trial separation might work. I told him I promised not to see other people and though I couldn't request the same of him since I'm the one making the decision, I told him I hoped he would do the same. I told him that unless I was fully committed to him, it wasn't fair. That I would always be unhappy and thinking what if I'd gone, how would my life have changed? I'm hoping that some distance will give me perspective and I'll know if I can live without him or not. It's a risk, I realize. He might hate me. But I think if we can't survive a one month separation, than we weren't going to last very long anyway. Does this make sense to you? Any more advice??
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (14 August 2009):
 You shouldn't do this. I think what's going on is the fact that you haven't addressed these issues with him. Maybe there's a way for you to do something nearby and make sense of your time when he's not around you.He's sensitive and possessive because he's sterile and he knows you want children. Because of this, he's in terrible pain inside. Its hard for a man to love a woman who wants children and know that he can't give her what she wants.Maybe there's a way to address the sterility issue. But hurting someone you love to go off on your own like that is going to really scar him deeply.I think sometimes its all communications. He needs to empathize with your issues and maybe there's something that could be done. Perhaps he can change careers and you can keep the house in the middle of nowhere for you two to spend your liesure time together and at the same time find better prospects for both of you somewhere where there's more social living.Throwing it all away for some hunger pangs seems an awful waste. If you love him, and he loves you, you need to make sure that he knows that you don't want him to suffer.But I'm thinking he's suffering anyway and its no one's fault. Sterility is a big psychological issue and if he wants children too it hurts him more than you can imagine.At the same time, if he knows you're lonely being in the house alone while he's off working, maybe he can find ways to make things special for you so you don't have to live that way.Its sometimes more practical to address the issues than simply separate and hurt him. Eventually you're going to hurt too because having walked out on him you will always feel terrible about that. I can only sympathize with both of you under these circumstances.But if it makes you feel any better, living out in a rural area has its benefits. Unfortunately those benefits are often shared by couples most of the time.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (14 August 2009):
Follow you're gut and sever this relationship. Set a date, make a plan and do it... do NOT try to "make it easy on him", don't "stay in touch"... while this may seem harsh, the BEST THING that you can do for him is end the relationship and let him start the healing process. He'll be in some pain, but the faster your gone (and NOT hanging around to soften the pain) the faster he'll heal. PLEASE understand that this will be hard, but best for both of you... it's like pulling off a bandaid- do it quick, expose the cut and let it heal. If you want to do anything, you might write him a loving letter that expresses your love for him, but explains that you're taking this step for your own sake. Being "selfish" can be healthy, letting this fester for years is not.
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