A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend but I don't know that he love me...We have been together almost a year and a half. We met in Law school. He's older, is in the middle of changing his career. We we first got together it was casual. He was in a rocky relationship with his girlfriend and I was getting over a broken heart but we just had this strong amazing connection. We started slow but were soon inseperable 4 months down the line I was in love with him. But his ex seemed not to have been fully removed from the picture. He gave me some long excuse about it being complicated. He would not expand beyond that. I asked if that meant we were in an open relationship he said no, that to add anyone new to the relationship would only complicate things. That the sitation with his ex was a means to an end and he would explain it all to me soon but not now. We broke up because of the unfairness of it over the summer months but got back together within a few days. we were apart the summer months but spoke daily as if we were the only pple that mattered in the world. He even started telling his friends and family about me. After the summer months, for unrelated reasons I had to take a break from school forcing us into a long distance relationship. he broke up with me claiming that he was scared we would not survive the long distance. 3 weeks later before my final move I saw him and we got back together promising to trust each other and give us a go because being together even for a few hours made up for all the painful hours apart and the fights. We decided to power through until we can be together again. In all of this he's never told me that he loves me. He says he is one of those guys who does not believe in throwing those statements around lightly but he does say he cares deeply about me and it has all the hallmarks of love. When I do something wrong his official line is ' if you really loved me you wouldn't have done that'. He doubts my love which I give so freely, but won't commit his. it makes me mad. anyway, he claims he is done with his ex and she is no longer a topic that will come up in our conversations, but he apparently has not yet told her that its over. i've asked him to come and visit me, he says he wants to see me but he can't be planning the trip now. All I want is a date, even a month when I can expect to see him again. something to look forward to so this period can have an end point for me. Coz this is not a good place for us. He is busy with intensive exams and assessments. the stresses of a long distance relationship are wearing on me, alongside our not fully resolved issues and his inability to commit. We fight, alot its painful and not fun. He suggested we go on a no communication break for 3 weeks. its been 5 days now. i'm not broken and miserable as I expected to be. but I'm trying to figure out if this will work with us. I need to finish school so we will be apart another year. it seems easy for him to walk away from me when he gets sacred. but at the same time he comes back. he is in this with me, long distance. we broke our no communication agreement twice so far in these 5 days and both times he says he hopes we will be in a better place after. I love him with my whole heart and i know I want to spend the rest of my life with him and he knows. before the last break up we talked about marriage then 2 weeks later - boom 'we are breaking up'. The relationship is emotionally draining, sometimes, but I hear his voice and my soul resettles and everything feels as it should be. I love him, he does not have to be in this relationship with me, he must want me in his life. but he can't commit, or say 'I love you'. So how do I know that he loves me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (13 April 2011):
 Wiseoldman you crack me up!!!
If I'm ever in England, you'll have to show me the town.
Oh and I also want to go to Craig Nos in The South of Wales.
Oh and walk the in the fog on cobble stone streets and then Christs College.. oh the list goes on.
Anyways, back to the topic.
You're being strung along. Sorry hate to burst your bubble.
But your having a relationship in your head and sometimes in your bed.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): He does not love you end of story. You are simply wasting your precious time here on a man who despite what he says cares very little for you as shown by his actions. Let's break it down, this is a man who1. Is not single, still in a quasi or full blown relationship with a woman he claims is his ex. Newsflash ex's are people you once had a relationship with an no longer do. If there are questions relating to their togetherness from your side then they probably still are together. 2. A man who tells you in a romantic way that he does not love you yet he still expects you to love him and act accordingly when he cannot offer you back the same? Where I am from we call those type of guys users. 3. A man who has on more than one occasion 'broken up' with you or withdrawn contact from you. He's simply playing with you as child would a yoyo, one day up the next day down. And like all children with toys they get bored with them and outgrow them and promptly discard them. 4. A man who claims to care for you yet makes zero effort to see you or spend time with you. We are all busy people pursing our life dreams and goals but we make time anf effort for those we care about. If we do not make that time or effort clearly we do not care. The writing is on the wall honey you are wasting your time here. Let it go and move on with your life. You are falling for the most beautifully wrapped BS. He's not serious about you and deep down you know it. Concentrate your efforts on something more rewarding like school, family, friends and self, your guaranteed a better return from investing in those than this man. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (12 April 2011):
Grimly amusing that for even the most intelligent of women, love can be an addictive drug. Have you ever considered that you may be hooked on the feeling rather than the person, and that emotional rollercoaster is what you're hanging onto? After all, the first point you made is that when you met him you were "getting over a boken heart." Not a lot adds up here- his inability to commit, his manipulative behaviour, the absences- and keep in mind we are dealing with Britain here- if he's on the mainland, John O'Groats to Land's End is 837 miles- a LDR is not that difficult on a relatively small island.My advice is to be strong, break it off, and be open to the overtures of other men. But you must be proactive too- I realize this is Britain and, as John Cleese put it, "The National Emotion is embarrassment", but if you see a fellow who looks nice, strike up a conversation. It's seen as admirable for a woman to make the first move these days, never desperate. I and every man I've spoken to about that feel the same way. And being male and thus an Insensitive Beast by definition, he may remain forevermore completely unaware that you did the initial chatting-up.There is a book called "Love and Limerance" (amazon.co.uk has it) which describes the difference between real love and craving the FEELING of being in love. Suggest you have a read. Then find someone who will love you properly in return, because you deserve exactly that. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous711  +, writes (12 April 2011):
Is he really worth it? Why dont you talk to him and tell him how you are feeling? Or play him at his own game, when he slips up, see how he feels and if he is annoyed by it and tell him that is how it makes you feel but he does it everytime you make a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes he shouldnt make you feel bad, thats unfair. If he really loved (cared) you would he do that?Why don't you ask him how he really feels for you? Does he want to be in this relationship? Is it worth the stress, because for you it is, isnt it?Perhaps go on a nice walk one sunny day and take a picnic and cheer him up from all the stress and enjoy time together. Forget everything else, just take a break from that together and relax. Then if you get on well then at least you know you have fun together. It may help your relationship be calmer and you may get along better.Or if he won't like something like that; show him how much you love him, plan a romantic evening (maybe as a suprise) and order a take away pizz (or go to a lovely restaurant) have candles and roses thrown on the bed, with the lights turned on dim, with the fire going and some lovely music in the calm background. Get some champagne and celebrate being together by having sex, this is a bad idea if he doesnt really care about the rest and is just the kind of guy who just wants the sex. In this case avoid doing this, think of something that you both love that connects you, just having a laugh together or going through a old photo album.Good luck, persist with this relationship if you think things are worth saving. if the outcome would be great. Dont give up, believe in your relationship, nothing is impossible. It may take hard work or you may decide that being apart is best.Best of luck,Hope this advice helped :)
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A
male
reader, Drew21 +, writes (12 April 2011):
 ...the fact that you think he still hasn't told his ex that they're through is a huge, huge warning sign.This guy sounds like he's stringing you along just because he can. I would flat out ask him what the deal is with her.You deserve to be treated better then that!
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