A
female
age
36-40,
*izza
writes:My boyfriend and i have been together for about 3 years, our whole relationship has been messy. I am 23 years old ( mature for age) and he is 33. Previously been married and has a child with her, she is 9. We meet at work and he cheated on his then wife to be with me, everything came out out and i was known as the slut who broke them up.. there was much more to the story than that.. About 12months ago i found out that he had been texting his x wife dirty messages, im not sure what else happened he says nothing but im not sure.I decided that i would give him a second chance becuase i love him, he is the first person i have loved. I started working a second job to help with money, which is what he wanted. I work at a night club and for the last 12months our relationship has gone down hill. Its like he doesnt trust me, he msgs me at least 50 times a day and if i dont respond he msg's more asking why im not responding and am i angry with him etc. He accusses me of cheating on him all the time, which i have never done nor would i, he waits up for me to get home from work and has said he doesnt want me to make friends there. He has called my boss asking way i have been sent home from shifts as he hasnt believed my answer. Even when i go to my friends house (female) or go for coffee he is constantly messaging me too see when i will be home, we fight about it alot and then he says he is sorry and will change.. which never happens. We are recenetly had a big big fight about it where he accussed me of cheating on him and he actually called the venue i went to, to make sure i was telling the truth about the closing time. He promised he would go to counselling and admits he has a control issues but now says that he doesnt need to go that everything will sort its self out.I feel like i cant do anything right, whatever i say or do doesnt seem to be right for him. I really do love him but cant go on like this, i need him to trust me and give me space.I dont know what to do, or how i feel anymore, i dont know if people can really change that much??Any opinions would be helpful..
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female
reader, xanthic  +, writes (3 November 2010):
 He cheated on his wife to be with you. That alone is a huge red flag, and things shouldn't have gone any further than the moment you knew he wanted to be with you in spite of being married. If he'd cheat on her, he's going to cheat on you too, and it sounds like he already is.
Most who cheat are paranoid their lovers will cheat on them as well; they figure if they could do it, what's stopping their boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband from doing it to them too? If it was so easy for him to leave his wife, in his mind it's just as easy for you to leave him.
In order to get over his control and trust issues, he needs therapy. Insecurity never sorts itself out, it only gets worse the more he indulges it. As for you, it would be best to end the relationship and move on to someone that's not only single, but also stable and mature.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 November 2010):
I'll tell you what's happened. You two got together because he cheated. And, like a of couples that got together through cheating, or affairs, you never totally got to know each other. And now that lack of knowledge is coming out.
He was willing to cheat to be with you. That's the first bad sign, as it shows him as untrustworthy.
12 months ago, he was sending dirty texts to his ex wife. So that again shows him as untrustworthy. After all, he was basically cheating on you with the first wife.
Now, he's accusing you of cheating, and doesn't trust you at all. He's being completely controlling. That's not right.
Do you get the feeling that you seriously picked the wrong man? I do. I think you picked a guy who has few morals and expects everyone to dance to his tune. And there are two reasons that he could be accusing you of cheating. Either he is now utterly paranoid because he knows he cheated before. Or he has cheated on you and is on the attack.
All I know is this. 89% of relationships that come together through an affair don't work out. If you're sensible, you'll join them now. You can't trust this guy at all, and it's clear he has no trust in you, and just wants to control you and have his way.
The lucky one here is his wife, who doesn't have to deal with him. Make a sensible decision and end it with him. He has no intention of changing at all. And he never will. He will always be the cheating control freak.
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