A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 3 years. We are both 25 now.I love him a lot but I do not see him as the person I want to marry to. There are quite some reasons for that. He has cheated on me once with his ex, and had a problem with saying no to girls who like him, he didn't slept with those girls, but he would not say no if they invite him for a coffee, etc. These are things that happened during our first year together and I do trust him into a better person now, but part of me still hold grudges that I don't know how to get over with. Other reasons are that, we are living 3 hours train ride apart, but he only managed to visit me twice in 9 months, while I have visited him 6 times. I told him how I feel unfair about it, he said sorry and he didn't mean it, it is just that he didn't think so much on how many times each others have visited. Also sometimes he skip writing me for one whole day, not even a simple good night. I told him about it, he said sometimes "I'm too available for him" that he didn't feel the need to initiate contact. Besides, he is the kind that get angry easily, not over me, but over some situation and he will start shouting, even though I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, it did hurt anyway. We have basically no common interest. I love going around trying new food or travelling, he loves sports and his kind of travel is more like hardcore trekking, running marathon. I do not mind trying out his interest, but he does not even want to invite me to try. Also he does not have such a big passion in travelling as me, so I always end up travelling with friends instead.I told him about my thought just like what I wrote here and we both agree breaking up is probably our way out. We have been trying to break up for 3 months, but we just always end up talking again. The thing is, our relationship consists of not only romantic love, but big part is our friendship, we just have so much fun and laughter once we are together. We are so used to tell each other when there're funny stuffs or important things in life. I honestly do not thing relationship will ever work out between us and we both agree we are probably not each other "the one". As we are more or less still arguing over same things after 3 years, he agrees he is still immature and he said he is worried he will take me for granted again if we don't break up and one day I will hate him. Same for me that I feel like I may hate him one day, as I noticed I have been saying hurtful words to him these days, like comparing him to my ex or talking about my casual relationship before. I hate myself doing that too, it is really immature.I guess all I want to know now is how can we both be more determined to break up now and leave all the fun we have behind?
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cheated on me, his ex, immature, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2014): I think the best way to move on at this point is for you to go out and meet other guys. Just start dating right away. Go out with your girlfriends this weekend and put yourself out there and start talking to men, start giving out your phone number, make some plans, some dates. And focus on other boys. Let other boys into your life to distract you and take you out and show you a good time.
That is the best thing you can do right now to distract you and get your mind off of this guy.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (15 September 2014):
 you will stay till the cons outweigh the pros or until he leaves you for a new girl or until you find a guy who interests you more.
what you need to do is stop "rowing the relationship boat"
stop calling him
stop texting him
stop going to see him
wait and see how long it takes him to find you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2014): hi, I'm the poster again. yea, I agree, that's why I do not believe in anything will ever change. I just don't know how I can be more determined. Part of me staying cos he could help me with my work, though I know it is a very wrong reason to be with someone. I just don't know how to be brave enough to get rid of the comfort he offers in my life and work. I do know I have to leave him, but I want to know how people make up their mind and strong enough to not take their partner back.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 September 2014):
 I believe if you cry and make cute face for him to visit more often or to make this relationship more serious, he can't bother to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2014): hi, I am the one who posted the question and thank you for the reply.more details: Actually I was the one who initiated the break up, but my boyfriend cried and said he wanted to work things out. He agrees we need a break though, so he will "feel the impact" and change himself for the better. I honestly do not mind him seeing other girls if we will break up, guess it is part of the deal. For the trust part, I do trust him now into not over-enjoying female attention, the problem I had is I always find myself bringing that up to say he is bad, which I think is immature of me. But the part about why I might hate him is nothing about those, mainly it was cos of him shouting at me when he is frustrated and unwillingness to visit, while enjoying being visited.Actually no matter how my boyfriend is willing to change to make things work, I do not believe we are compatible, that's why we believe maybe ending it is the only option for us. The problem is that I just cannot be determined enough to leave once my boyfriend started to cry or make cute face, etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2014): I don't think your boyfriend is the one who can't breakup with you; I think it's you who can't bring yourself to breakup with him.
You hold on because those grudges you have relate to him being with other females. That is why you can't let go. You rationalize and use love as your excuse. It isn't love as much as it is your ego.
You have a slightly possessive nature, and your fear is allowing him to be free to do whatever he wants. You can't get your head around him being with those other girls. Even if it makes you unhappy keeping a relationship going with a guy you don't trust.
You're waiting for a huge disagreement that will lead to a knock-down drag-out explosion of a fight. Then you will have the nerve to leave him. That is why you both decided that you might hate him one day. You will hate him if he decides to dump you first. You can't bring yourself to do it; because visualizing him happy with someone else just bugs the hell out of you. The thought he could let you go also attacks your self-esteem.
You're not being fair to yourself.
Of course you shouldn't see yourself marrying someone you can't trust. However; you are both in each others way finding people who will offer you what you want and need in a relationship.
When you decide you can let go, don't be surprised how easily your boyfriend will move on. He's just waiting for you to let him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (15 September 2014):
Uhm, if I were her I won't have 5 years to see if things improve. You have to be willing to let go and make room for a more suitable partner. His actions or lack of show that he's not keen on marrying either. It can be true that marriage is on decline but that doesn't have to stop you. If you are fine with not rushing things at least date someone closer. Someone who wants to treat you like a lady.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2014): By all means do not marry him if you have even the slightest reservation...Talk to him, He will most likely feel the same way. Then you can make a date for(oh, say) five years from now to re-evaluate. I bet you lunch he will be very happy with the notion of waiting. Most guys don't want to rush into things like this anymore than yu do. best to wait. A 5-year plan never hurt anyone.
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