A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need some help. I am trapped. I don't know where or who to go to bc the stupid part of me feels that this isn't reality.My boyfriend of 2 years is from Italy. I am American. He's been coming down from depression and I have been trying to be strong for both of us but its been difficult.He's been very, brutally verbally abusive. He has hit me, but not often. He does make threats to hit me if I shout when he accuses me.Today maintenance people came to our apartment to fix the garbage disposal. I stood opposite the counter top and watched the water finally go down the drain and asked if we could get one of the tools ourselves at the local Home Depot. They just have us theirs and left. I continued reading for my graduate degree courses I am taking.Two minutes later my boyfriend rips the dishes out of the dishwasher and throws them on the kitchen floor and asks me why I was "looking in the eyes of the n*gger" "he knows I like n*ggers" "why do I try to be cool and always need to be the center of attention". I said that he was scaring me and to stop. He said that he deserved an answer. So I quietly took my book and went to the bathroom.He then used tools to break into the bathroom and I started crying bc he wasn't listening that he was scaring me. He broke more dishes in the kitchen and said he deserved an answer why I was trying to be cool. He spit on me multiple times and waited at the doorway for "a deserved answer"I was lying on the floor crying hysterically and shaking and a mess begging him to stop. He proceeded to laugh at how I was crying and tell me "on with the show, you know you are guilty". He threw the coffeeroom table over and I left. I knew I wouldn't get anywhere lying on the floor.He won't stop calling me and I've asked him to get out because he scares the crap out of me. I don't know where to go. Things were perfect until he thought I was "trying to be cool".I have tried to leave and am sucked back each time.I can't stop shaking. This is a never ending cycle. I love him but I am terrified of him.Please.
View related questions:
trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): can't understand how one can love a man who scares the crap out of them. Does a man who loves a woman ...treat her in such a way? No he doesn't. He respects, he honors and he protects her, in every way he can. Listen, you have suffered. His verbal abuse did not leave black eyes or visible bruises, but it damaged your soul, while seriously damaging to your self-image and that weak self image is what's keeping in this self-destructive cycle. .
I often wonder why intelligent, warm, wonderful women permit any form of abuse from boyfriends? Since some women want to believe the best of their lovers, they overlook a lot. Sexual chemistry adds to the capability women have to overlook the first dangerous signs of abuse. Then the couple moves in together. And the nightmare starts...does this sound familiar to you?
Verbal abuse destroys confidence. One of the most devastating effects of living with a verbal abuser is the change in self-esteem. As women begin to internalize the criticism and believe it's valid, her self-image sinks lower and lower. They start feeling worthless, incompetent, unlovable. After all, when someone who knows them so well thinks they are so worthless and unlovable, then "it must be true." Sticks and stones ... and that saying of old keeps many women in place until verbal abuse has destroyed self-esteem, making leaving even harder. They even start thinking that if this man loves them, they should hold on to him. You do know, that as a human..no one..absolutely no one has the right to treat you like garbage. Such an unloving act, isn't it?
The fact that verbal abusers are quite often charming people adds to the confusion. The abuser can turn on the charm with the woman he is abusing, making her doubt her instincts. If the woman does challenge the abuser, he might turn on the charm and even make her doubt her instincts. This lowers her self-confidence even further.
My heart goes out to you. You were in a verbally abusive relationship, and you finally found the strength to acknowledge the abuse. This is not an easy thing for some women to do, especially as one's self-esteem is badly weakened. Keep stoic..stay determined to retain that better environment you made for yourself. You got away. Don't keep in touch with him, be overjoyed he is out of your life. The littlest remotest contact from you..will tell him..he's allowed back and you may not get rid of him again. Remember, verbal abuse escalates. Verbal abuse can and sometimes does, turn physical. Please don't talk to him again. It's time to think of you and your needs...ignore his charm, ignore his pleas, his remorse. Stay away,,yiou will heal and recover. Hunker down and work this through. It will be hard. You need support and love. Call in any good friends and loving family to help you pull through. Do all you can to stay away..change emails, change phone numbers and keep telling yourself...that no matter how bi-polar he was...he iasn't capable of a healthy, kind, giving love. Get out and do something to take your mind off him. Think about getting some counseling. Talk to a professional about your feelings...but in the meantime, go live your life with out him...go live it happily and abuse-free!
I wish you strength to get through this. Please value your goodness, your self-respect and never ever allow anyone to tear you down like this...again. Take care and keep us updated on how you are doing. Hugs
A
female
reader, xxtishiexx  +, writes (16 October 2009):
HiFirst of all love shouldn't hurt.I come from a domestic violence background it was my dad hitting my mum, so i know how hard it can be for you because ive watchd my mum go through it.Its not always about the physical violence because you know deep down thats wrong and that you dont deserve it, there's the mental blackmail and the fact that they eat away at your self esteem, and they keep going until you feel worthless and that's what they thrive from, im not going to tell you to leave him like everyone else because you wont, not until your ready to leave him, but ask yourself one thing do you deserve this or are you worth more? no man or woman has the right to make you feel scared or alone, because your not alone far from it so many women suffer from domestic violence,some dont ever get out of the relationship, and sadly some women die, but then some women are strong and find the strenght to stand up and say 'no' im not going to take this anymore im worth so much more then this, im beautifull, and have alot going for me so im not going to let this man or any man bring me down again! there someone out there thats right for you, someone who will worship the ground you walk on, and will treat you like a princess, is this the man??? no so why waste your love and your life on this man. ring your local domestic violence helpline for more help there are people out there that can help you. and i wish you all the best for the future, and i hope you find your inner strenght to move on and find your prince charming! x
...............................
A
female
reader, Sophiee92 +, writes (16 October 2009):
I can't tell you to leave because the only one who can make that call is you.
But what I will say is you deserve better, you can't be truly happy when you're terrified of being shouted at or hit. This kind of behaviour is abusive and you shouldn't put up with it.
Try getting yourself angry rather than upset, it makes it easier (for me anyway) to walk away.
Explore you're options and weigh out the pros and cons, you'll see the right path in time.
If you do walk away and he is still terrifying you, contact the police. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself, you'll find the strength inside of you, you just need to believe it's there.
Sophie
...............................
A
female
reader, hollydawn +, writes (16 October 2009):
The only evidence you need is how this relationship makes you feel. Just because others experience even worse doesn't mean you have got to put up with being treated like this.
That he puts the blame on you for loosing his temper is part of it all. He ain't to blame for loosing his temper, you are. Abusers never accept responsiblity for their actions, it is always someone elses fault.
Best of luck, hope you manage to get out of it.
...............................
A
female
reader, hollydawn +, writes (16 October 2009):
Your type of question comes up a lot. Is the behavior of a partner who makes you feel bad 'normal'.The answer is simple. No.People get together because they like each other and want to be there for each other, face the world together. The whole wedding vow thing, in sickness and in health.If he constantly makes you feel bad then things ain't right. Of course he sometimes is nice, that is a classic part of the abusive partner. Abuse followed by apology and extra nice behavior to reel you back in before it starts all over again.One form of abuse occurs when the abuser has trouble dealing with the frustrations of daily life. Unable to vent them at work or in public he takes them out on the people at home, wife/kids/family.This isn't okay. It is NOT why people are supposed to be together, you are not his verbal punching bag. Of course, sometimes we say things in the heat of the moment, we can all snap sometimes but this should be rare incidents, not regular occurances to the point you dread him coming home.Your story is still pretty mild, other women post about them freezing with fear when they hear him coming home, scanning the room for what will upset him today. The cases where it doesn't stop at verbal abuse are even worse. And not all abusers stop with the partner.Is this the life you want? To walk on egg shells for the rest of your life?You might still love him or just be afraid to be single again but what is your happiness worth to you?You already tried for 5 years, if he was going to change or get help he would already have done so. No doubt when you leave him he will promose to improve and perhaps even attempt to get help but IF he is to stand any chance of changing himself he needs to do it alone.The smart sensible thing to do is to pack your bags, leave and don't look back. But smart and sensible have little place in romance it seems. Nonetheless, start walking. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, hollydawn +, writes (16 October 2009):
Holly, so nice to hear from and I am sorry for your hurt, hun. I sense by reading your posting, you are likely a very giving person, aren't you. And it's likely your bf is a typical 'taker'. If he was a giver like you, he could never do this to you. In a healthy relationship, a man who loves you, could never, ever dream of purposely causing you pain...plain and simple. The problem is, some men can't love in a healthy way. It could be from past childhood experiences in their own family. No one really knows.You have been or are in a destructive cycle of emotional abuse. I don't think I need to tell you that, because your letter tells me you have made efforts to get away but he keeps wanting you back. So how much you try to rationalize the wrongness here, and leave....your heart wins over your rational thinking? You are not alone. So many women get trapped in these abusive situations and the ones that stayed, have had their spirit broken over and over again. I know, I was one of them and I got out. How? I used sheer determination and will and I basically cut off all contact, so I could heal myself---it took me 7 months! So sweety, you have a man who is abusing you, emotionally. He's tearing down your humaness, the essence of who you are and everytime a person does this to us, they take us apart, bit by bit--they also take our self-confidence, our perception of our self-love. No one should ever be allowed to do that to another human being. That is uncalled for and it's wrong, wrong,wrong. When he's not abusing you, he's likely telling you wonderful things, isn't he. How many times, over and over, has he said "I'm sorry"? I bet he's done it ...a lot. Then there's a few good days (a honeymoon period) and the abusive behavior starts again.So what will happen to you if you were to continue in this relationship?? A lot of negative things will occur, if it hasn't already. Such as: loss of self-esteem,a constant concern that something is wrong with you, a growing self-doubt, thinking that 'you' are wrong by being over-sensitive to his verbal lobs, there will be self-blame, anxiety and fear of the future, there will be a huge distrust in him, walking on eggshells around him, not being able to be just yourself, chronic hurt and unhappiness. I know you know, this is not the healthy way to live in a relationship and I have to say, if he's treating you this way...it's clearly not a good healthy, beautiful, appreciative love on his part. It's basically a demeaning "toxic' love.So before you begin internalizing all his harsh words, and letting it take you down into a miserable, broken existance, you need to understand something. Believe this or not, but you have played a role in setting up the relationship this way, and you must play a role in changing it. Just by simply telling your partner that his treatment of you is horrid, abusive and unacceptable will not be enough. He knows that-and he knows he can control it if he chooses...and if he feels he can't he needs intensive therapy. And he can get anger management to help himself. But because you keep enabling him by continually allowing your heart to rule over you, your actions are speaking louder to him than your words, so you need to make two bold moves: Change your behavior, and tell your partner you will no longer take the abuse....no other option.You need to sit down with your bf, look him in the eyes, and tell him that you are taking a stand. You will not stay in the relationship if the abuse continues. See if he will seek help and tell him...if he slips up just ONE more time, it's over. And you follow through. Leave, accept no phone calls or contact. Don't be weakened by your heart anymore...be courageous and refuse to take this crap, Make him responsible for what he has done. So look out for yourself, and treasure your own happiness. Peace at any price is no peace at all. There is no magic here. Nothing and nobody can give you the strength to do what you need to do. If you want something beautiful and meaningful in your life, you have to love yourself enough to hold out for it. Good luck my dear and my heart is with you....xx
...............................
A
female
reader, hollydawn +, writes (16 October 2009):
OMG, please, get out while you still can. I have been in a bad relationship for 6 years now and left my boyfriend last week. Well I just came back today and it's for the last time berlive you me. Your situation is 10 times worse than mine is but the only resson I came back was because I'm due to give birth in 5 weeks and a'lot of people have sujested that I should give my boyfriend one more chanse to work things out for the sake of the baby and so I'm not on my own with a new born and liveing in some hostel. I'm going to tell you what seriously helped me gain more control little by little to do something about my situation. I must have spent nearly 2 years now reading relationship adivce sent to my email address by mimi tanner and people like that. What this did for me was made me realise that I wasn't being treated properly in my relationship. I started to realise as time pasted that his behaviour was not good enought despite what I hade him telling me. This lady does not know me so she had no resson to lie to me. These people give relationship advice for a liveing. Then I started typeing abusive relationships into google and getting lot's of advice of diffrent sites. Then this week I did reserch on toxic relationships. After a long while of doing this I realised that my boyfriend was wrong and it wasnt exceptable to be treated like this. All these websites were I did my reserch on didnt know me but they matched up everything I was feeling. I soon realised why this was happeinging and why I kept going back and was allowing this to happen.Think of it like this, these websites I visited had NO RESSON to lie to me as they don't know me or my boyfriend. Their just telling me what an abusive relationship is. It just happens so to be that they are telling me all the stuff I was thinking and feeling. I'm going to copy and paste you to brilliant msg from my inbox on hear that I kept. I sent a msg to these people over a year ago now and it's only as i've progresed in time that I can read back and see them with more enlightment.Good luck and you will get out eventuly. x x x
...............................
A
male
reader, davedave +, writes (16 October 2009):
I think you think you love him because he is so intimidating that you are afraid to stop showing affection to him. Don't let your fear control your relationship with him, get out while you still can and don't get "sucked" back in.
...............................
A
male
reader, asianknight +, writes (16 October 2009):
You are the only one that can stop this cycle. You have to leave and keep it that way. Either that or try to find out why he's so depressed. But if I were you I'd threaten him back by saying "i'll leave if you keep doing this!" and if he says "I dont care!!" then just go. He already said he doesnt love you.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 October 2009):
You've been sucked back twice, so I'm going to put this bluntly, because it needs to be blunt. Do you want to continue living, or would you prefer to let this guy kill you? Because he will. Nobody deserves this treatment. He will not change. There is nothing good about him, because everything is an act to hide his anger. He spits at you, he hits you, yet you go back. Please, please please get out before you hits you and you end up dead. There are better guys out there. Also, you will need counselling, because it's essential you don't go back to him or find another guy like him. Get out now.
...............................
|
