A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I work at a book store near my hometown. I'm pretty shy so it's hard for me to connect with people. It's been a couple of months since I started working there, so it's getting easier. My coworkers are actually pretty cool. Especially one person in particular. His name is N***, he's 23, and he's a head cashier. N*** is always singing. He makes people laugh and doesn't display any reluctance in lending a helping hand like most managers do. He's tall with dark hair and has the most AMAZING blue eyes I've ever seen. I would go for him but the problem is that he's gay...and I'm in a relationship.My boyfriend, M**** and I have been dating for a year and three months. He's 40. I'm 23. Age is never an issue when we're together. He's kind, caring, funny, and listens to me when I need someone to talk to. He's my first sexual partner and first serious relationship. I still like M**** a lot. The sex is pretty good. I would never cheat on him. But when I look at N***, I get hot in the face and my heart keeps pounding. He's into writing and books like me. My boyfriend reads books and has a favorite author but we don't talk about books like N*** and I do. I'm also an artist and I'm always doodling when it's slow at work. Sometimes I draw little pictures for him and he draws pictures for me too. He actually has one that I made for him in his wallet! He recently self-published his first ebook which is about robots and aliens. I'm working on my first novel so sometimes he gives me tips. Once he jokingly said that I should illustrate his novel once he finds a publishing company. Sometimes I see N*** look at me and I think that something's there. He recently recommended a book to me. The other day, at the end of my shift, I looked up the book in the store. He caught me reading it and seemed really happy. He was all, "(my name), you're gonna love it!" And he always tells me how wonderful I am. He smiles at me a lot. When he looks at me, I feel like something's there. You see, I don't believe in heterosexuality or homosexuality. I don't believe that attraction is based on genders. You can be attracted to literally anybody. It's not a exactly a choice, if that makes sense to any of you.What's wrong with me? I know I can't have him so what's the deal? I have a wonderful boyfriend but I'm attracted to a gay guy.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (16 March 2014):
 I do agree with you about sexuality. As a gay woman, I can acknowledge that once in a blue moon, I find a man attractive. But I would never date them. This guy might find you attractive, which should flatter you. However, I highly doubt he would date you. If he's anything like me, it just means he can admire your beauty.
Focus on your relationship and try to put this crush aside. If you really do care about your boyfriend and want things to work, that is. If not, break up with him band be single.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2014): It's perfectly natural to be drawn to attractive people who are kind, and share interests. They immediately fill that unquenchable craving we have, to find someone like that as a partner.
You don't have much practice in maintaining platonic friendships with men. You've limited your exposure to your first love, M****. The only male-female relationships you've formed as an adult, is of a romantic-nature.
You really need to form more mixed-gender connections outside your relationship. It will limit crushes; and you learn to keep your feelings under-control.
I take it, most of your friends are M****'s circle of friends; because of his age. So most people you may know are really "his" friends, and in his age group. You probably double-date with couples in their 30's, or a little older. Rarely if ever people your own age. You secretly want to.
We gay men can be quite charming. We are often, stereotypically, creative. This adds to the charm. To put the icing on the cake, N**** is also physically-attractive. So your feelings are purely natural, considering the circumstances. He is outgoing, witty, and a draw to people.
What we gay men and you heterosexual women, both search for in men.
If there was another gay man there, he would share your enthusiasm. There is no likelihood that N**** shares any other interest than friendship and books. His attention is of a platonic-nature. Just because a man is gay, does not mean he hates or is repulsed by women. In fact, we form the closest things to family-ties as you can get.
We form lifelong relationships with our gay and straight lady-friends, and can be very loyal and protective of them. We in effect, become gay-boyfriends and gay-husbands to our selected female friends. Watching over you depending on the depth, and dynamic of the friendship.
Some become quite co-dependent, and you have to watch-out for that. I've known gay men quite jealous of their straight-girlfriend's boyfriends, or new husbands. Men are naturally competitive. Some think the have a right to pick men out for you. My advice, don't!
Your romantic attraction for N**** will gradually subside; once your subconscious absorbs the fact there is no romantic-interest on his part; and your natural heterosexual female-responses to males will re-adjust.
A healthy-mind automatically adjusts to the futility of emotional situations; and all will settle into a very good friendship. Unfortunately, we accidentally run into wonderful people who often meet the criteria you find most attractive in the opposite-sex. A most devastating experience for many hetero-females!
"Why are the best ones already taken, or gay?!" They say in angst and frustration.
Attraction is a purely natural response between the opposite-sexes. That is, for those who are "heterosexual," perhaps 'bisexual.' Many gay people debate the existence of bisexuality. I don't. It's best to let one come on to you, than you come on to them. My rule of thumb.
Those of us of a different sexual-orientation, may still attract you; but there should be no delusion that you might get us to "switch teams." Even if he was bi-sexual; you still belong to a committed relationship, and should see outside attractions only as superficial. Just a normal human response to other attractive people.
I hope you nurture your friendship with the appropriate feelings for which it deserves. You both sound like very wonderful and interesting people. The most dynamic collaborations were born of such friendships. Such duos have rose to fame.
I hope he never breaks your heart. However; I give you my blessing for the best friendship ever!
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (15 March 2014):
 Take a breather, relax. Having a crush on a co-worker is perfectly normal. However, the person you have a crush on is gay.
Because he's gays doesn't mean you have no chance, it just means it's unlikely but you never know. Seeing that he is gay, I believe you have the perfect opportunity to tell him how you feel. This way he can express if he feels the same and if he doesn't, no harm done, he won't really care if you like him. Unlike a straight guy, I don't think it will be as awkward.
If he agrees to "hang-out" or do whatever to become more than friends and he seems to genuinely put in the effort then, why not go for it.
Keep me posted. I'll keep my eyes peeled for a response.
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