A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm 28 and am in a 9 year relationship with the father of my children. We've had our ups and downs throughout the relationship, mostly downs with him not knowing if he wanted to be with me and the kids, and stuff like that. He's left me several times and always expressed his anger at me for having kids with him (as opposed to abortion or adoption - what he thinks I should have done). About a year and a half ago, when things were pretty bad, I started working as a cocktail waitress and started a friendship with a guy I worked with. We got along great and hung out nearly every night we worked together talking about everything under the sun. When we started our shift together we would always make sure one of us had a pack of smokes to share for after work. This went on for about 5 months and because, at the time, I didn't have a car he would often give me a ride home so I didn't have to walk. Well, eventually one thing led to another and one night I found myself at his apartment and one thing led to another. He asked me to spend the night but I sighted that I had obligations to get my kids ready for school in the morning and that it wouldn't look good for me not to come home all night. He drove me home around 4 am. I told my significant other that I had to stay late and close the bar. Before getting out of his car that night he tried to kiss me in my driveway and I pulled away saying I didn't want to deal with my boyfriend if he was watching and then he kissed me on the cheek and said next time it would be better, less rushed. Next time happened about a week later. I texted him and asked him to come to work because a boss that no one liked had been fired and I wanted to celebrate with him when I got off. He came about an hour before the end of my shift and brought along one of his best friends and was already half drunk by the time he got there. While I was working I got snippy with his friend for throwing popcorn on the floor that I had to clean up before I could punch out - it was a joking snippy, though - and later apologized to his friend and let him know it was all in good fun. His friend's response was "Oh, I know, its okay, you're family now". I had been under the impression we were keeping it a secret from people we knew per his request. Later that night he drove his friend home about 20 miles away and I texted him and asked him to come back to be with me. (The boyfriend had taken the kids out of state to his mom's house so they could spend time with her for a couple weeks and so he could party with his friends). He indeed did drive all the way back and spent the night. It was a nice night filled with lots more talking and lots more of one thing leads to the other. Then I asked if he had told anyone because of his friend's comment to me and he said that he hadn't, but I think he was lying. He told me some pretty intimate things that night about his relationship with his dad and so on and so forth. Then he said, "I have fun with you, you have fun with me, this is just having fun, right. I mean, we have fun together, right?" And I answered what I thought he wanted to hear and told him that yes I did have fun with him. (I had always expressed my desire to escape my relationship with my boyfriend FYI) The next morning he had a baseball game he had to be at and he left. Our relationship at work continued as it always had, flirting, joking, hanging out. But, we never had sex again. I started to get worried that maybe he wasn't interested anymore and turned to co-workers for advice. Bad idea, I know, but they were also my friends. I was already falling in love with this guy before we even slept together. Thats when I found out that a mutual friend, a guy, more his friend, had known about us. He told me that he had told him all about it pretty much right away and that he seemed cool about it. Well, word gets around when all the employees also hang out together and before you know it, everyone knows. And he doesn't talk to me anymore. He ends up quitting where we work very shortly after (not due to us, he had an issue with management one day and walked out) and then the next thing I know he is deleting me off buddy lists and not returning texts that just say "Hi" In the meantime I had told my boyfriend that I was falling love with someone else, yes, the guy I worked with that gave me rides home, and that I didn't think our relationship was healthy and thought we should end it. The guy at work also knew all of this. We have kids together so we were working on how to end it fairly. (who moves? what about the kids? etc). Well, that was the last I heard from the guy at work until a mutual friend from my old job (yes eventually I stopped working there) gets ahold of me MONTHS later and I find out she is in a relationship with him. They are in love, apparently. My boyfriend and I have since worked things out. Ever since my confession that I was falling out of love with him because of the way he treated me everything has been great. Really he's been a great guy. There's just one thing. Part of me still loves the guy from work. Tonight I looked on my friend's myspace page and find out that they have broken up and I'm HAPPY. How can this be? I do love my boyfriend, but I can't stop thinking about this guy that I spent so much time with before we ruined it with sex. I miss him. I'm not sure if I'm with my boyfriend because I'm scared to leave. Scared what it will do to the kids. Scared what I'd do alone. Am I just settling? Did this guy spend all that time at work buttering me up just to use me? Did he really care? I'm very conflicted right now and thought maybe someone would have some good advice. I can't stop thinking about "work guy"....any help is appreciated!!Thanks
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abortion, at work, best friend, co-worker, drunk, flirt, myspace, smokes, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (10 January 2008):
 Hi,
I think it is an easy one to figure out here. I don't think he was just after you for sex and that's all, o.k. maybe that was most of it, but he liked hanging out with you as well and talking and all that stuff. But having a few romps and fooling around with each other is totally differnt to a full time committment with a girl who has kids. He has to take on that responsibility and unless he is madly in love with you its just not realisitic to expect him to upend his life and take on these extra responsibilites. Most people in their twenties can fool around for a while and even live together, but when kids come into the equation it changes dramatically. You just have to accept this. The fact that you are still pining after him is only because you had no real closure, this is something you are going to have to deal with as I doubt he will want to get involved again.
By the way, you guys worked together and got along well so I'm sure he did care about you, but as I said with the kids and the boyfriend still on the scene he would probably think that it just isnt worth it.
If you cant work things out with your boyfriend dont go for a guy who is young and carefree, they simply wont be prepared to offer you commitment.
good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): Thanks for all the responses, it is nice to have an outside view. I had already decided I was going to do my best to forget the work guy, and have been doing pretty good..its been almost a year. I think when I found out that he was with another co-worker feelings of insecurity were rooted up. Was I not good enough? Etc Etc. I love all your advice and opinions!! I am taking them all to heart! Thank you so much!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 January 2008):
 You want a breadwinner b/f and a Casanova .Those two satisfy all your needs.You have security with your b/f and the love and attentions from the Casanova.
You are scared of the unknowns and you prefer the security of your b/f and yet your heart is restless and yearns for the love and affections which your b/f did not provide.
You have tasted the illicit moonshine and want some more.It can be intoxicating and you are now in a dilemma.
The work guy was just fun and you just enjoy each other and nothing more.Even if he wanted to have a steady relationship with you , you would not give up your kids of b/f.
You will have to ask yourself . What do you want in life? When your kids grow up , you will be a lonely old woman..
Will you sacrifice your kids or sacrifice your life's happiness?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): You seem very unhappy in your current relationship and in your current lifestyle. I dont condone cheating but I think that it was good that you were eventually honest with your partner. You were looking for the attention that you craved and you found it in a guy who showed you a bit of attention. You may have fallen inlove (infatuated) with any one who was offering it to you. As for the guy at work, I do not think that he felt the same way for you as you did for him and he said "I have fun with you, you have fun with me, this is just having fun, right. I mean, we have fun together, right?". Which you agreed with, he then mentioned your intimate time togther to collegues at work and coincidently left the job although you say it had nothing to do with you. He later removed your from his myspace and then did the same kind of thing with another work collegue which coincidently ended so soon with her, although they were apparantly inlove.
Leave this guy from work alone, do not contact him and focus on the relationship with your present partner and children. If you are not being treated the way you deserve then talk to your current partner, try therapy or make the decision to leave and stick with it. I think the deeper issues here are the unhappiness you have with your partner and you need to decide if change is what you need.
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A
female
reader, Reebe  +, writes (10 January 2008):
 Hi
I'm going to be totally blunt with you, this guy from work was just using you I'm afraid.
He has made NO effort what so ever to try and contact you.
I think you're bored with your relationship with your bf and you need to decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him, although it does sound like he has made an effort since you spoke to him about how you felt. If you decide to stay with him then you need to spend more time together doing fun things and not the mundane routine things.
You thinking of this work guy is just a fantasy and I think your best not even to get up any hope of being with him.
The problem you need to solve is whether you want to be with your bf or not, not whether you want to be with this work guy.
Hope this helps
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