A
female
age
30-35,
*egina90
writes:Hello,I'm in love with my friend and he loves me as well madly!The problem lurks in the fact that he's married !!First of all, regard the fact that we are muslims while analyzing our story ( as for the traditions, customs, etc..)Last year he had an awkward period! His mother died, a month later he caught his girlfriend in his bed with another man after 3 years, and later on she got pregnant from another man and she was leaning on him as she said that she doesn't have anyone! He loves her so much and he wanted to marry her after all she did! But again she called him saying that she married the father of her baby! He has a friend ( his wife now) who knew all the misery he was being through! On the night of his ex's wedding he was home drunk, and he was more than broken, his friend ( his wife now) came over, and she bought another bottle of whiskey with her! He was too drunk! The next morning he woke up to find her naked in his bed, she said that he forced her to have sex with him!they talked the thing over, and decided to forget about it...A month later she showed up saying that she's ready to have an abortion! As she was pregnant from him, as a muslim and normal human he refused and told her that they're getting married!After a month from the wedding, she told him that she loved him for so long and that she hated every single woman he knew!But things didn't work out between them, there aain't no passion nor chemistry, they consulted marriage specialists and got advised from therapists but he couldn't feel her as his woman! So he told her that they better divorce when she delivers! She said they'd talk about it when she delivers!She treats him as if he's her possession, and she always blame him for anything that happens! Moreover she deny's the reason why they got married! She even humiliate him sexually, she teases him and seduces him then she leaves and let him down! I'm the intruder in here, I know that, but I couldn't help falling in love with him, nor did he!He proposed for me! I accepted saying that we'd get married after the divorce... Later on she found out about us, she insulted him badly! And told him that he have to choose between her and his daughter or me!At that point I decided to leave! But he went mad! We decided to get married without him leaving her just to keep the baby!Now I don't know what to do :s and he got sick from her manipulative attitude and he says that he wants to leave her!but he doesn't know how to tell her !!!I told him that he have to face her! And I felt like he's hesitating :s I love him and I know that he loves me! but I don't know what to do?! And even if we're not meant to be I feel that this woman will ruin his life and drawn him in more frustration! Please advise me!!!
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female
reader, Regina90 +, writes (28 April 2012):
Regina90 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionladies! thanks again! Well, I’ve been away for few days! And here’s what I found:Simply he’s a moron! I can’t even believe him anymore!Nowadays he’s accusing me of being careless and cold :D saying the very same things he used to say about her!And every time I try to face him, and to end this stupid affair he makes a drama!He acts like a shallow spoiled boy! He calls me Cinderella, but I’m not welling to spend my life with a guy that has to check all the town girls feet, meanwhile he could simply look me in the eye!Moreover his bitchy Ex (the one that cheated on him in his own bed) showed up :D she sent him a picture of her while delivering! Saying that she never thought that one day they would have separate babies!! According to him she wants to show that she’s happy lolls! According to me he doesn’t have dignity!He’s playing a very stupid game! It goes: I’m mr. perfect, been abused and all this shit…please come and save me!Stupid me: I believed! And while cleaning his mess! I am wasting myself!Grlz I’ll keep you up with the updates!Btw: last night his wife’s phone was ringing all night! And whenever he answered they closed!
A
female
reader, lampshade69  +, writes (26 April 2012):
As a Muslim he is not supposed to drink alcohol, it seems to me he is a Muslim when it suits and not when it doesn't. You need to find a nice Muslim man who will cherish you and not lay all his issues/problems onto you. He's a weak man - get rid of him. Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): OP, I agree with you about his wife but the point is that since he is an autonomous adult and he made legal commitments to her he has to be the one to cut those ties, you are powerless to do anything on his behalf and it's inappropriate for you to do so.When it comes to spousal relationships, a third party really is powerless to save one spouse from another. My mom tried to save her father from his second wife who was abusive to him. (my mom was already an adult and not a kid anymore by the way). my mom had massive fights with her step mother. It did not work. It just did not. Then my mom tried to save her brother from his evil and abusive wife. It also did not work. My uncle is still married to his abusive wife. My grandfather is finally divorced but it wasn't due to anything my mom did to 'save' him but because his wife finally kicked him out after 25 years and cleaning out his bank accounts and had no more use for him.The lesson is: you can't save someone from their relationship with someone else. they have to do it themselves.I think that initially you had the moral high ground over your friend's wife. I mean, she obviously is a snake. She did not and does not care about him only about herself. she took advantage of his weakness and stupidity. She seduced him and got pregnant to trap him and it worked. You could have done what she did, but you didn't, because you know that what she did is despicable. As a result she went ahead and "got" him using her underhanded ways. I say you're to be commended and she is to be despised.I cannot see that their marriage is so sacred if it was the result of her manipulation and trickery and his stupidity and weakness. But the fact is since it's his marriage and HE ALLOWED HIMSELF TO GET INTO IT he is the only one who has the power to do anything to change it. She certainly will fight tooth and nail to keep him with her - after all their marriage is based on her using him for her selfish ends so you can bet she will not want to give this gig up that easily. And being the wife she has a lot of power to keep him.but if you get involved, you will become the bad guy in everyone's eyes because this is between him and her regardless of whether you even exist or not. other people will only see that he is not doing anything to divorce himself from her and conclude he doesn't really want to leave her, and he finds some benefit in his marriage. And then they will see you trying to interfere in their life and they will put all the blame on you trying to break up their family. it will make HER look like the innocent blameless victim, surely you don't want that?? Why do you want to make her look good??? so it's really better for you to just stay out of his life. If he wants you so much as he claims then fine, let him prove it by being a man and terminating this unfair and horrible marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): Regina you just dont get it DO YOU?You are interferingHis marriage is of no concern to you.No one held a gun to his head: he had sex with his now wife Because He Wanted toHe even admit that during the time you were trying to be a mediator between his wife and him, you then came to the realisation that you actually wanted him for yourself. What a hypocrit you turned out to be!Hey if he is a proper man let him fight his own battles.The common aspects in your drama is that ALL the women in his life are/were no good for him, except you? Not biased are you?You are so blinded by him that you cannot even think for yourself. Maybe one day the scales will fall and then you will look at this situation realistically.If he is cheating on his wife with you, its only a matter of time before he cheats on you too. You wont believe this now but that wheel will turn.Bottom line: you will do what you want to. So perhaps there is nothing more to add.LoveGirl
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reader, Regina90 +, writes (24 April 2012):
Regina90 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, first of all I want to thank you all for considering my “drama”, and for the advice!Dear anonymous, you are right! But I’m not using my religion to propagate my agenda!And if I refer to my religion truly, I’d marry him today before tomorrow!But I don’t want that… not before he cleans the mess he created, we all have to pay in a way or another for our mistakes! Plus, you don’t know me well so don’t accuse me! I know that falling in love with him was wrong, but I’d do it again and again no matter how much I suffer!And yes his wife is not my enemy! But according to me she planned everything and her plan worked! She saw what she wants in him but she didn’t think of what he wants! Especially that he made it clear to her previously that she’s not the woman he’d want to spend the rest of his life with! I might be mean and foolish holding negative feeling towards her, but what kind of woman would sleep and get pregnant with a man who rejected her previously, drunk and wiping for his ex?!I could have done what she did that time, couldn’t I ? It’s a crazy and messy situation!I somehow feel wasted in here! When he fell in love with me, I was trying to help him fix things between them two!!I was urging him to get closer to her! But all she was doing and she’s doing is irrational, she doesn’t even cook for him, nor do the silly things a wife or a gf do! She even teases him and when he gets aroused she rejects him!! Its none of business I know!I’m not a perfect person, and I’ve never loved someone the way I love him!!It’s his decision not mine or hers even! He must decide…And I’ve told him that!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): SO Regina you feel that it is your moral duty to save your married lover from his wife? You feel that you need to protect him.You desire to have him as your husband at all costs???If this man can provide equally and love equally, then he can. The reason for marriage was supposed to be unique/self sacrifical but people use the rules to further own carnal appetite!! I suggest that you spend some time researching the Proper understanding of your religion and stop using your religion to propogate your own agenda!!!Having said the above, you should stop meddling and stop being a homewrecker. Stay away from this woman and her baby.You may want her husband but what right do you have to infringe upon her rights as a mother??? You are self serving and you want to help yourself to this womans husband. I get it. I understand it. The way you choose to live your life is up to you. I can give you all the proper advice and tell you why it is wrong to commit adultery but we both know that you wont change your character and lifestyle.What i will tell you is this:Its a pity that you have chosen this path in life.You are NOT your lovers protector.He is an adult and he should man up and learn to do the right thing.His baby and his wife is of NO concern to you. Butt out of their livesYou are blinded by your lovers fault. You cannot see the wrongs of his ways because you are childish, immature and irrational.His wife is NOT your enemy.Your lover, your so called friend should catch a wake up and start acting like a man instead of a wimp.Adutlery: refer back to your Holy Book.Regina, you will notice that i have referred you back to the source, meaning your Holy Book. Educate yourself with your religion
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reader, traeumerin242  +, writes (24 April 2012):
As a Muslim, he's allowed to have up to four wives, though I'm not sure whether your country allows that. If he is allowed to have two wives, I'm not sure why you see the need to wait to marry him until after he divorces her. I don't think many Western women understand that Muslim men who are married aren't necessarily unavailable.
From what I remember, Muslims are very much against abortion. He did what he felt to be the honorable thing by marrying her when he got her pregnant rather than let her abort his child. Do not fault him for that. If she had the baby, then the child is protected. If she is still pregnant, then perhaps he would be best to wait until after she has the baby before he divorces her so that she does not abort the baby.
He did ask you to marry him. If the only reason you want to marry him is to protect him, then he has to sort things out on his own. However, if you realize that your feelings for him go beyond trying to clean up the mess that his wife is making, then I don't see why you shouldn't marry him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): "I left him for a while! I disappeared, and he was miserable in there! Meanwhile she was sucking his energy more and more!"
What his wife is or isn't doing to him is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. It is his responsibility to solve his own problems before he starts to get involved with you.
If he was SO miserable when you had left him, why didn't he divorce her? I guess he wasn't miserable enough without you. I guess his marriage really isn't that bad after all.
"I don't know how to explain the way I feel towards him!I need to save him to protect him!"
No, you do NOT need to save him or protect him! In fact, this is something he MUST do by himself because it's his responsibility. If he's not doing it by himself that means he doesn't truly deep down WANT to do it. And if he doesn't want to be getting divorced, then you doing going against his wife for him is not going to solve your problem.
Let me paint a picture for you of what your future might look like if you insist that you have to save him from his evil wife: he becomes a passive tug-toy between you and the wife. His wife will control him to make him stay or do what she wants. And you will control him to make him do something different. He will be completely passive, pulled in her direction today, pulled in your direction tomorrow, not going against you but also means he's not going against her either. you will be incredible frustrated that he as much as he "listens" to you, he will also equally "listen" to her. He will continue to try exactly what he's doing now which is trying to find a "middle ground" where both you and the wife are temporarily appeased enough that he doesn't have to make a final choice and give up something.
If you fight his battles for him that means he will never want to fight his own battles which means you don't truly have his heart because he's not fighting for you.
if someone says they love you, but their actions look like the opposite, why don't they PROVE IT.
he is not helpless and powerless. I know there is the tradition that married people should stay together. But this is the 21st century, people across all cultures especially where there is western modern influence are slowly becoming more aware of how important it is for the marriage to actually be a 'real' one where you actually LIKE your spouse. For every traditional culture that frowns upon divorce, what do unhappily married people do? have affairs long-term and the spouse turns a blind eye or complains but can't do anything about it. So is this what you want for your future - to be forever just his mistress? Getting divorced is not like going off to war where your life and limb is in danger. there is no excuse for him not to be getting divorced if he claiming that he loves you so much.
he's playing around because he's too scared to clean up the mess he created. this is dishonorable. Is this the kind of man you want to be with, where you have to do his personal work for him?
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reader, Regina90 +, writes (23 April 2012):
Regina90 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI left him for a while! I disappeared, and he was miserable in there! Meanwhile she was sucking his energy more and more!I don't know how to explain the way I feel towards him!I need to save him to protect him!I care a lot about the baby, and I'm concerned about her, because eventually the unstable relationship between her parents would ruin her entire life! Besides her mom is the obsessive kind of women, its a psychological disorder! She believes and acts as if she owns everybody around her, as if she never do mistakes or even flaws!Thanks a lot for ur response, I appreciate and for ur case do what you said!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): Don't believe his words, believe his actions. If he truly is serious about marrying you he will get divorced from her no matter if it goes against traditions or she keeps him away from his child. If the child doesn't get to see her father its not his fault for divorcing the manipulative wife but the wife's fault for being so evil as to deny the child the right to see her father.
If he doesn't divorce her and work something out for his kid then he's just not ready to move on he wants to play games so he doesn't have to pay the full price of his bad life choices. If he doesn't get to see his kid that sucks but its not the end of the world he can have more kids in the future and his exwife can find someone new to be with and who will step into the role of father for that kid. And lets not forget it is the exwifes fault if she would deny him access to the kid. If he doesn't want to be married to her he should not let the issue of access to the kid stop him from divorcing her he should work it out. But if he wants to be with you yet refuses to divorce her that means he doesn't want to work out the mess he created he wants the easy way to have everything and give up nothing.
This is why you should stay away from married men. No matter how much they say they want to be with you if they're still married they just are not available like normal men they are choosing a complicated life because they're too afraid to pay the price of moving forward cleanly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): He needs to learn better problem solving skills for his life which has been one bad decision after another. If he believed it was the right thing to do to marry her solely because they are having a baby then he should stick with that course of action.
I think you would do best to stay away from him. He doesn't seem capable of making good decisions or following through on what he decides. That means he will drag you along for a roller coaster ride. You should wait until he has learned and demonstrated more character strength and ability to think things through before saying he will do something before you involve your life with him. He may say he wants to be with you now but history has shown he easily changes his mind. He needs to sort out his life and his marriage first before it can be a good idea for you to get involved.
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reader, Thisiscrazy  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 I'm having the same problem except my guy has girl friend and just found out she is pregnant so were having the same problem but I have decided on what I'm doing I think you should do the same.. Now he is going to say everything and anything to make you stay but the fact of the matter is he could of left already he hasn't he will not because your still here as I am
Now yes we're inlove with men we shouldn't be this is true but put the baby's first they didn't ask to be put in all this so we need to leave today no contact for at least a month and see if there happy together without us being around if they are. Then never return we have been told what they wanted so they could have it all and the only people getting hurt is us 2 so go pack bags lets go
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