A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and I am 20 years old. He is very affectionate, caring, and I know he would do anything for me..he is my best friend. He wants to marry me. However, we argue constantly because I am not very affectionate (he is very very affectionate) and I never want to have sex with him anymore. The last time we had sex was approximately 4 and 1/2 months ago. This pattern has been going on for a few years now, and I feel bad because I know he has needs but I don't want to force myself to do something that I absolutely do not want to do. When he touches me sexually I freeze up and almost go into a panic until he stops. I hate making out with him because it can never be just "kissing" he always wants to do more if we make out. I love him, but I feel like the passion is gone and I don't know what to do. He compliments me all the time and surprises me every now and then with things (it has not always been this way) but When we go to dinner, or just hang out, all we do is talk about his work or his family. There is no flirting, and he doesn't really make me laugh. When I try to be funny he doesn't really laugh, and he looks at me like I'm stupid. We get along really well, and I am comfortable with him - but I don't feel the spark that I should feel with someone who treats me so well. Why I feel like this: I started a new job 7 months ago. Long story short, my boss and I have been hanging out at work (nothing sexual) and he tells me how great I am, he tells me I am literally the funniest person he knows. We laugh all the time and little things about me that the average person (or guy) wouldn't notice, he notices and it makes me feel special. He flirts with me but he knows I am in a relationship and I would never cheat on my boyfriend, but I find myself very sexually attracted to him. I always thought I was somehow defective in the libido department but now I realize that is not the case. I want to feel the same way about my boyfriend but I just do not. Help? I am desperate.
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at work, best friend, flirt, libido, my boss, spark Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2015): I may be totally wrong here, but the sentence that stuck out to me was "When he touches me sexually I freeze up and almost go into a panic until he stops."
Was this always true? Have you always been freaked out by sex with another person? If this is the case, I wonder whether you were abused as a child and need therapy.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 April 2015):
 When you included this: "...We get along really well, and I am comfortable with him - but I don't feel the spark that I should feel with someone who treats me so well." you told us all we needed to know....
You and he have widely differing expectations of what constitutes a "relationship." It's not healthy/beneficial or worthwhile (for either of you) to keep up this facade of a "relationship." Tell him you like him... but that your "relationship" has run its course... and you believe that the two of you need to go your separate ways...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2015): You already know this relationship has run it's course. You're both two different people, neither of you are the same as you were when you got together 5 years ago. It's ok to not want the relationship any more. At your age - there should still be passion in all aspects of your relationship. Loving someone, but not wanting to be sexual with them is friendship. You both need to sit down and talk about this, it's not fair in your bf for him to be such a touchy person and not have that wanted and it's not fair on you to feel like you're being pestered to do something you don't want to. You need to go your separate ways, as a couple. You could remain friends, but that would be very hard and realistically you'll both move on. You both deserve the chance to be happy, it just takes one of you to be honest enough to start the conversation that you're no longer suited to each other.
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A
female
reader, xAx  +, writes (8 April 2015):
 Sounds to me like you just love your boyfriend but are not IN love with him.
What happened to you, happened to me and my ex long term boyfriend. We were never sexually compatible from the beginning but I ignored it as I like a lot of his other qualities. It started to become a problem like it is for you now. Luckily, I went to uni so I used that as an excuse to break up. Now, I'm with someone else and the sex is amazing...better than I imagined. I've finally become sexually comfortable in a relationship. I'm so glad I didnt settle. It was hard to let my ex go for selfish reasons, but it was the best for us. I wouldn't want to go back! Not since knowing how much happier I can be with someone better for me and I'm sure he'll find that out too.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 April 2015):
 What you want at 15 is not what you want at 20 and what you want at 20 will not be what you want at 25...
I think you have outgrown boyfriend as a boyfriend. It's time to end it and move on to new experiences.
You can love him but not want to be his life partner. That's called FRIENDS.
However I think for both of your sakes (his more than yours to be honest) that you should end it and go NO CONTACT for at least 6 months. then if he wants to see if HE can cope with being friends that would be up to him.
TO say "i don't want to be your gf anymore but we can be friends" is as my mother used to say "the kiss of death" and it will be very painful and hard for him to see you and know he wants what you don't.
IT might seem cruel to say "we need to end this and go NO CONTACT" but dragging it out and "being friends" will give him hope that he should not have.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (8 April 2015):
 You are not in love with your boyfriend anymore. You've tried to make it work, but you can't. You need to end things with him. It's not fair on your boyfriend to be denied affection from someone he loves, so free him to find someone who feels the same way he does.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 April 2015):
 You should end it with your bf. You tried, it didnt work. 4 months is waaaay to long to go without sex, and is a serious indicator that the relationship is over. What you have is friendship, and you dont want to lose that. At the same time you have to let him go, because he wants more than friendship, and its not fair to leave him hanging while you go flirting with someone else.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (8 April 2015):
You don't want to have sex with him because you're ready to move on. You're both very young, and you have outgrown him.
Time to gently cut him loose and start seeing other people.
There is nothing wrong with you. This is instinctual, and as soon as you enter a new relationship your sex drive will renew itself,
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (8 April 2015):
Your boyfriend is making efforts to be with you and be intimate with you. It is only natural on his part and I do not think he is doing anything wrong. You refuse to sleep with your boyfriend because you do not want to, but then why are you flirting with your boss? The way you are acting, it would seem like you want him to break up with you. You are an adult so I am sure you are more than able to end things yourself.
Hanging out at work with your boss is dangerous stuff and doesn't look good on your part. What kind of boss flirts with his co-worker knowing she is unavailable? My question is what exactly are YOU doing for the relationship to work? Have you talked to your boyfriend about your problem? Besides talking, what efforts are you making? Learn to handle your stories, or someone else will handle it for you.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 April 2015):
 Dear Desperate,
You already know the reason for your feeling. That is a big plus. To put it briefly, you are not comfortable with sexual intimacy with one man because you are in love with the other. Your body is telling you what your heart knows. Your brain on the other hand knows that you owe fidelity to your boyfriend. It also knows that your relationship with your boss is forbidden.
Honestly your best course of action would be to leave your job, or get a transfer if that's possible. Leaving your boyfriend would be the second kind choice. It is kinder than stringing him along as a Plan B.
Your other options involve dishonest or unethical situations.
FA
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