A
female
age
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*EXY-LITTLE
writes:I was married to my husband February 14, 2005 and we have been married 4 years. I have been dating him since 2000. His son is now 12 years old and has become a menace to my life. My husband was dating a women before our relationship to whom he had a child with and all she wanted was his sperm cells to have a child, because right afterwards, she told him she was bisexual and that she rather be with women so they broke up. However, she asked him if it did not work out could she come back. He told me he said no. When she found out that we were getting married, she asked could she speak to me and she said that she will always be in my husband's life because they have a child together. She also told my husband she will make him suffer. My husband has another son that he let slip away when he was not a good father and he is absolutely frightened to death that this will happen to this son. So he is highly over-protective to this child and he is also scared to death of the mother taking his bi-weekly visitation away, so he caters to her every whim. After she found out we were getting married she decided she would take him to court for child support, and the court awarded her a good sum of his money like $380.00 dollars bi-weekly. She gets $760.00 dollars a month and she does not spend it on the child. To top that off, she gets all the money during tax time and he gets nothing as well. When he comes to visit his father, she sends nothing. His father then utilizes the remaining extra money on his son by buying clothes, x-box games, DS Games, Wii Games, Organs and his mother does not buy him anything she allows him to take and spend his money on his son, as well as give her $760 a month.In the beginning I was extremely fond of this little boy as I watch his grow, and par-take in helping my husband support and take care of his child. I started to notice that when it was the mother weekend to mind the child she would leave the child at his grandmother's house, who live in the same housing complex as me and my husband. She lives across town and does not live in this complex. When she leaves him at his grandmother's house he calls his father and tries to get over to our house so we could mind him in his mother's absence which is not our weekend but his mother weekend. His dad is weak and soft, and feels that this is his responsibility when this happens on her weekend to have him.I feel like she is using my husband in her own way, and getting away with it, as well as getting what she want from him. I have noticed that she text message him, calls him, and communicates with him on his cell phone so that I will not know what is going on. I am always left in the dark.When it is my husband time to keep the child although he works every other weekend and sometimes two weekends in a row. It sometimes falls on me to be home and his son stays in with me. I am never asked do I have anything to do, anywhere to go, or have I made any plans. I am just dropped off with there child while both of them fulfill their own lives outside of the household. Things of mine have started missing and although children sometime take things that are not theirs, my husband will say maybe you misplaced it, but he will never blame his son. His son is a spoiled brat, with a capital b and I am now beginning not to like him very much.This has came about because he is now telling lies against me, and his father and mother believe him and think I am telling the lie. I went to the store one day and I bought him two bags of skittles, I bought his father two pineapple sodas, and I bought myself 5 orange and vanilla sherbert icecreams. When I notice his skittles were gone, I decided I would offer him one of my icecreams. When I got up the next mornong, he had eaten all but one of my icecreams and told me when I comfronted him that he thought I said he could have them. He told a bold face lie to me. When his father approached him he told his father the same nonsense. Later that day while he was playing with his friend in his room, I was in my bedroom and I told his father his son is a liar. My husband who is a police officer was dressed and he had his gun on his belt he got in my face and screamed at me really loud as to scare and threathen me to not call his son a liar, and he said it loud enough for his son to hear through the walls. Then he said I believe my son over you. At that point I was hurt and I was finished with this relationship, because my feelings are never going to be validated against his son and his son mother.I spoke with the mother and she agreed with me that her son does things like that and has done them to her plenty of times and I approached his grandmother who said the same thing that he is a liar. However no one believes me. I told my husband that I spoke to his son mother and she said he does things like that, but when he spoke to her she said I perceived the conversation wrong that she did not say that. So now I look like a liar again.My husband keep saying get pass it, it is all over. However I do not feel that way. If I allow his son to feel as though he has accomplished this he will continue to make me look like a liar and eventually my husband will think I am against his son. I told my husband the other day that I am now going to draw boundaries between him, his son, and his son mother. That their responsibility which is their son is not mine and I will no longer take part in minding or taking care of him in their absence. I wash my hands.My husband told me yesterday that he believe his son and his son mother. (I'm his wife and what he has said to me is that he does not believe me.) Why should I lie about something that belongs to me not his son.I am tired of this relationship, because I am getting nothing from it, he supports them she gets $760 a month, his son gets practically the rest, I am unemployed in school working on my MA.Ed. and I have limited funds. He does not give me a dime, what he does is ask me cause he know I am going to say know do you need anything, instead of giving it to me. I am not speaking or having any conversations with him, my answers are no and yes. I only cook dinner for him. I have stop washing his clothes and his son clothes that have accumulated through this incident, and I will not wash them again. Like I said he give them money, I should not be taking care of him of his son if I am not appreciated.The funny thing is I gave up my entire apartment and furniture and everything and moved in with him until we got married. We have accumulated a lot of things together. I am not going to try and fix this because I am tired of being called a liar by him, his son, and his son mother. I am slowly moving out of the apartment without his awareness, and when I have everything of mine vacated I will leave him a note on his computer with my last words.In any event, I will not pay for the divorce, I will let him do it on his own. I am not saying I don't love him cause I love him very much, but he is breaking my heart, and using me as a doormat when he needs a babysitter. I haven't left yet, but slowly working on it. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): I would like to thank everyone that took a little time out of their busy day to respond to my post. As today is a new day and he has tried to make amends. I decided I would start first and I said that the only thing that would work for me is if your son apologizes to me for lying as I never did anything to him to deserve that kind of treatment. Again he went on saying he believes his son, and that something is wrong with me and that I should see a counselor and that he would take parenting classes. I told him I am highly upset at his son for lying to me. He started crying and expressing himself, and stated that I am his soul mate and we belong together. He also said that it is not so that I can do laundry or cook, that we were meant to be as one. But then he said that if he had to choose between me and his son he would choose his son and I would go. I don't expect to come before his child, but I expect his child to respect me. The child mother called my husband today and told him that his son wants to come to see him but he is afraid because I am upset with him. I don't see where there will be any changes in my life and I am not happy anymore being a third wheel.I cry alot and my heart and mind is devestated for having to go through all of this for almost 9 years. Still confused, still packing, and still leaving. I need some advice on the two television set we have purchased, and I want to know how to tell him that one of the television sets is going with me, and a DVD player. He just came in the room and tried to give me money to which I keep turning down, cause I don't want him to think everything is okay when his son is still lying to both of the parents.Hurt
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): Here's what you do. Trust me on this.
Step One: Set up a nice romantic dinner. Tell him you've fallen out lately and that you want to make it up to him.
Step Two: Have sex. Do not use birth control, but tell him you are on the pill.
Step Three: Repeat until pregnant.
Step Four: Divorce lawyer.
Step Five: Profit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): Other peoples children are very difficult to deal with and my heart goes out to you. You are never going to win this because the child's mother does not like your husband being with you and not her or him being on his own. I am in a similar situation where my husband has 3 children by 3 separate women. I have one child who goes to boarding school and is very well mannered and behaves properly. My husband's children are appallingly badly behaved. They run riot, take things, scream incessantly and will lie to your face. I would get all your stuff together and leave as soon as you can. The fact your husband did not believe you over a twelve year old child is not right. There would be no benefit to you lying about the sweets so he must see that it is not true - he just doesn't want to believe it. Withholding doing the washing, baby sitting etc is all very well but it does not make for a happy relationship overall. I do not think you will ever come first in any of this and it is definitely time for you to go. The amount of money he pays assuages his guilt and that is never going to change it will just become higher. He does not appear to respect you or value your feelings or your input in any way. From experience you cannot win over the mothers - my husbands childrens mothers all play one off against the other, always making out one of the kids is dying if you are about to go on holiday etc and I cannot stand it any more. I too am in the process of escaping back to my nice little world with my child - it can't come soon enough for me! Just keep moving your stuff out slowly and then go making sure he cannot easily find you. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): Follow your heart! (and your gut) as the son gets older, it will get worse and eventually everyone will see his true colors! His behavior for his age is quite normal in the situation he is in. He no doubt sees you as an obstacle preventing his parents from being together! I think you are wise to get out of the situation if you are not happy! His son will be in his life forever, and the teenage years will be worse!
In the future, be cautious of men with family issues! You have been treated unfairly! Don't get caught in the same trap again! Being a stepmother is much harder than being a stepdad! Good Luck!
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