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female
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anonymous
writes: hi, i am a 31 year old with 3 children. the eldest two are from are previous relationship and are 10 and 9. i have been split from their dad for 7 years. at first it was difficult but we have been very good friends for the past 5 or so years. i now have a new boyfriend who lives with us and a 8 week old baby to him. the problem is my new boyfriend seems to think that i am sleeping around. i have mates that ive had for 12 and 13 years (who are male - but have wives and kids of their own) he doesnt like me being friends with them, or with my ex. if i talk to them he goes ballistic. he also doesnt like my children or my mum, and will not be in the house if my mum calls round. my friends now all keep their distance and dont phone in case he is here. my bf was made redundant about 6 weeks ago which is what he wanted, but he wont look for a new job now because he wont know what i am up to while he is at work. when our baby was 4 weeks old, he went away to spain for a week with his 17 year old son, i wasnt very happy about it but i put up with it, what made it worse was that he rang and text nearly 7 or 8 times a day because he thought that i would have blokes in the house while he was away (yeah right with a 4 week old and 2 other kids to look after!!) i have never given him any reason to think that i would cheat on him, and i never have done or even thought about it. i love this bloke to bits but i feel like i am a prisoner in my own home now. the reason i am writing now is that last night my mum went to visit my ex in hospital and my bf went mental at me when he found out - i was really upset as its nothing to do with me what my mother does. i left it and this morning said nothing, i was up with the baby twice during the night - during which time he stayed in bed. this morning i went for a shower, when i came downstairs he really laid in to me because the baby was crying and i took too long in the shower (half an hour) this is the only break i get from the baby as i am not allowed to go out anywhere unless he is with me. he said i was ridiculous and taking the p*** because i knew he was feeling rough. rather than arguing with him (which he says is nagging) i left it and took the baby out in the pram to get her to settle. i was only gone half an hour when i got a text saying i had to come home because he needed to go to the bank. one of his friends had seen me walking along a particular street where a friend of mine lives, and he went mental saying that i had been to visit her (so what if i had?) and that again i was taking the p*** and lying to him! he is now in the pub where he has been for the last 3 hours and i just know that when he comes home he will start to have a go again over nothing. the last time he came home he took it out on my eldest 2 kids calling the w***ers and t***ts etc. before i met him i was really independant and confident. now i have no confidence left and no friends and family because they all keep away. i know what i need to do but i know i will be on my own completely because i dont see anybody anymore. i feel so lonely and down and dont know who to talk to about things.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2006): You are in a terrible situation, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. You said yourself- you know what to do, but the thing that is stopping you is fear. There is a lot to be said for the old saying "feel the fear and do it anyway". You know that if you leave him, things will be be horrible.....so you know what to expect- do it anyway!
You owe it to yourself and your kids to summon up your last bit of courage. I understand that you may love him, but love should not excuse suffering and abuse. For although you haven't mentioned 'physical' violence, what you are going through is most definately abuse.
Think of your life before you met him...how much stronger and in control you were. Now think of how you are feeling now. This is what may happen to your children in time. It may start with the odd comment like 'w*****s' or 't***s', but the psychological effects will last forever. If you want your kids to grow up to be strong, independent people, then now is the time to lead by example. It will be scary- but then you know that alreay...so do it anyway!
True friends are there forever, so don't worry about them not coming back- because they will. And no doubt they will be relieved to have their confident and life-loving friend back!
This guy is a loser....get rid.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2006):
I think that there is an expectations problem here- you have let him assume to much control. You need to have more clearly deliniated expecations with him over what your behavior can be ie. you will be where he expects do what you said you'd be doing and you wont put yourself in a position you are doing anything to undermine the relationship. You should have the same expectations of his behavior. Excessive paling around with your ex is probably unnecessary.
The bigger picture is how did you even wind up in this situation! Now that you have a baby this guy will be in your life forever.
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A
female
reader, jaynehaigh +, writes (28 November 2006):
Your family and friends are only staing away from him - not you. Remember that.
I suggest you just tell him it's over - it already sounds like you have made that decision anyway. Find the right moment and tell him to leave. A word to the wise though - know where your phone is and make sure you can get to it easily in case you need to call for help. I'm not saying he will get violent but he may (maybe ask a friend to come round to support you) - I have been in a very similar position and I know exactly what you are going through. The fear of being alone is terrible. Been a single mother is hard too, but Hey it reaps rewards gal! You know it you have been there and done that already.
What been a single mom does for you is make you independent, strong and above all uncompromising. You know whats best for you and your kids will benefit from having their bubbly life loving confident mum back.
You can do it I know you can.
All the best in your future without your manxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2006): My heart goes out to you. What a miserable existence! I could have cried when i read this. You shouldn't have to put with this. He is a bully. The next step will be hitting. I know, i have been there and my life was miserable until i walked out.
You say you don't want to be on your own, this I can understand. Life is hard with kids and especially coping with a young baby. But i bet once he is gone from your life all your family and friends will come back, mine did.
Don't be afraid, if he hits you then get the police. But, put your foot down, tell him his behavour is totally unacceptable and unless he changes then he has to go. You stay in the home.
He sounds very insecure and childish. The kids shouldn't be spoken to like that, don't let it happen. And if you want to be in touch with your ex, then that's ok, he is the kids dad. A very important person in their life. You also cannot control who your mam see, if she visits your ex in hospital i think is a lovely gesture.
Also he moans because the baby cries and you are in the shower. He is the childs dad, he should of stepped in and taken care of the baby not moaned at you. You deserve better.
Don't you or your kids be bullied by this brute. Get rid. Love can be very blind.
Do take care and keep in touch with me if you need a friend.
xxx
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