A
female
age
36-40,
*oreverGoddess
writes:I met this man 7 months ago at my job. and we have been seeing each other since mid december. We are in a relationship as well. Everything went great, going out to dinners, spending time at his place, watching movies, the simple things..I live with him now. I been living with him for a month now. I am 100% honest with him in every way and totally serious about our relationship. I found out that he is still in contact with his ex gf. He has told me about his relationship with her and that they've been together for 10 years. They had a house together and were gonna get married. He honestly told me that he messed that good thing up, lied to her, cheated, and she is now engaged with another man..Okay so he was young and shit happens..But he told me she will always have a big chunk of his heart..he still loves her..i read txt msgs and he told her that she needs to be with her true love, meaning him, he told her to call off the wedding..etc etc...and yet i live with him, i gave him my soul, he does so much for me, SOO much, he says he is extremely happy with me, and that its not my fault for anything..He said he needs to figure a way to put an end to that chapter of him and his ex..I am so hurt and I don't wanna waste time for anybody..I put so much into this relationship..and I am in love with this man..I know 10 years of them together is a long time, but he coulda said no to me, that he isnt ready for commitment..But here we are..and he is always putting me first in everything he does. I am just so upset he kept that secret from me..Is this worth the tears????
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 June 2011):
 Like you I am troubled by this guy's attitude. Yes ten years is a long time. How old were the text messages? Were they recent, or something he had not deleted from when you had only just met?
But ten years with her and yet it floundered for various reasons? There were clearly problems in that ten year relationship.
He has been attentive towards you over seven months. But if he has been treating this relationship as a stop-gap relationship then you have a right to feel betrayed. Some explanations are called for.
He admits that he messed up in his
previous relationship. And so after ten years his ex moved on. But if he does not sort out his feelings quickly he could lose you too.
He needs to detach himself emotionally from his ex if his ex is similarly also determined to detach herself from him. If his ex is firm in her resolve to move on, but he is not, then he will cripple his chances to really move on with anyone in the future.
Sure he seems to have been the perfect guy. But he needs to better explain himself, and commit to you. You have been honorable and committed to him and given him your heart.
It is reasonable for you to expect him to be as sincere with you.
If he's Not too bothered about potentially losing you, then that's a bad sign.
If he is more sincere and very contrite and very convincing about committing to you then there might be a chance. Give him time to think about his decision.
If he chooses you then give him your trust. You have a right to ask, in the circumstances.
If he does not choose you, then recognise that it is better to know the truth, now, rather than waste ten years of inadequate commitment.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 June 2011):
 Off course your going to be upset this is a huge thing to deal with. If am honest with you after 7 months of being together if he is not over his ex well then I think maybe it would be best for you both to have a break so he can sort out his head. Its obvious she wont take him back now because he messed her around. I know we all make mistakes but he really does need to let go of his past. Have a break and see how he feels then. Just explain to him that you don't want to be second best and that you don't want to get hurt by him. I am sure he wants to move on as well but he cant. He needs time alone to sort out his head and see where his future is taking him.
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