A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend (Let's call him Jeremy) and I have been dating for over 10 months now. We've liked each other since we first met, and we'd been best friends for 3 years before we even started dating, because he was dating another girl during those years and I was with someone else as well. We're now in an LDR, I go to college over 3 hours away while he's at home not going to school and working. I'm 19 and he's 20. The other week, his best friend (Let's call him Ryan) and I had a one-on-one talk about him. We both were discussing Jeremy's temper problems, his arrogance and egotism, his attitude and manners, his need to dominate, his terrible inability to handle money, etc. I've always realized all these issues with him since I've met him, but I've liked him for so long and now am in love with him, they kind of don't seem as troublesome anymore since I finally have him, if that makes sense. But when I was talking with Ryan, it really opened my eyes and made me see that he truly is not right for me. Ryan pointed out how I always seem afraid and as though I'm constantly stepping on eggshells when I talk with Jeremy because I'm so afraid of upsetting him. I also found out the other day from Ryan that Jeremy got his ex-girlfriend pregnant, and she got an abortion. Jeremy has never told me this and I highly doubt I would ever find out unless Ryan had told me. It really hurts knowing that Jeremy was almost a father and almost had a child with his ex, and he never told me this... I feel like that's something I should have known a while ago, and it hurts that he's keeping such a huge secret from me. Also, the fact that Jeremy's own best friend is upset with the way he has been treating me kind of shows that there is a huge issue here. His own best friend is telling me to leave him and that he's not good enough for me.To start, Jeremy’s money issues are a main concern. He owes me $160 and still hasn’t showed any sign of paying me back; he also spends most of his paychecks on unnecessary items (like concerts and raves and drugs) and is basically homeless right now. I’m going to school and planning on going to graduate school and even getting my doctorate in the future, so as Ryan pointed out during our talk, if Jeremy and I kept up a future together, I would be supporting him and he would be living off of me like he basically is now. Another issue is Jeremy’s almost obsession with me. Ryan also told me that when I was away at school, Jeremy would constantly be glued to his phone texting me, almost getting in accidents when he had other people in the car with him while he was texting and driving, how he would mope around when I wasn’t there, and how he would just be no fun to be around when he was with all his friends because he would be ignoring them and either texting me or calling me. He even does this now during summer, texts me from the second he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep, and the only time he won’t be texting me is when I’m hanging out with him. So I’ve indirectly caused serious problems in his social life even when I’ve been away at school because he is attached to his phone talking with me. That makes me feel terrible, because I always tell him that when he’s with his friends he shouldn’t text me, but he always goes “Oh no, it’s ok, we’re not doing anything and I wanna keep talking with you”, when in reality as Ryan told me, he’s not doing anything BUT texting me when he’s with his friends, so therefore he’s ruining their time together.Something else that Ryan pointed out that I didn’t realize really was a problem until now is that for some reason I have this need to get permission from Jeremy for EVERYTHING. If Jeremy gives me the okay to do something, I’ll go and do it in a second. If he’s iffy about anything or says no, I won’t even think twice about doing it. I ask Jeremy for permission for almost everything… I’m getting another tattoo this week that I’ve really wanted, and if he didn’t give me permission to do it because he doesn’t like it or what not, I wouldn’t do it. Even the smallest of things I’ll ask him if it’s okay if I do or not, from what clothes to wear to how I do my hair. He hated my most recent hair cut so I grew it out to make him happy… everything I do is to make him happy. Everything.The other day I tried talking with Jeremy about our issues (the way I always have to watch what I say around him, how his temper scares me, etc.) and he told me I was making all these problems up and overreacting; he said we have a great relationship and I’m making a big deal out of nothing. While I was talking with him, I started crying because he was upsetting me and making me feel like an idiot, and he goes and asks “Are you pregnant or on your period right now?” just because I started crying… So I can’t even talk with Jeremy about relationship problems from my side because he will tell me I’m making them up.I know all of these things are signs that I shouldn’t be with him… but I love him. I wish I could properly explain how amazing he can be. He’s extremely handsome, exciting, adventurous, spontaneous, fun to be around, always cracking jokes and lighting up the room with his bright and outgoing personality; everyone is just inexplicably drawn to him. When I’m around him I feel like there’s no one else in the world I would rather be with and he’s the one. It’s like, if I could just get him to fix his problems and get his life together everything would be ok… but he doesn’t realize, or won’t admit, that there are issues, and most likely never will. He loves me more than life itself; he loves me so much that I feel like he’s obsessed with me. He even told me if he could marry me right now without any consequences he would. I love him, but I KNOW he’s not right for me. As Ryan said, I could go through my life staying with him and forever be putting up this front to make him happy, but I will never be making myself happy as long as I stay with him. I told Ryan that it’s that way because I care about Jeremy’s happiness more than my own, and that obviously is an issue and Ryan said I should make myself happy for once in my life, but it’s the truth… I care for others more than I care for myself. I just don’t know how I can bring myself to leave the person I love more than anything, the guy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with… Every day since I had the talk with Ryan, I’m just wearing down and sinking into a depression. I feel like if I leave Jeremy I won’t be able to find anyone else who will accept me and love me the way he does. I will absolutely devastate and destroy Jeremy by leaving him, and I’m feeling guilty just thinking about how I could do such a dreadful thing to him. How can I bring myself to actually take the step and break up with him? Or are Ryan and I truly overreacting and seeing issues that aren’t there? I don’t know what to do and I feel so lost. Any insight or advice would be appreciated… Forgive me for the length of this; I felt it was necessary to describe everything that I could for a full explanation. I thank you for taking the time to read this and to help me. I can’t thank you enough.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (28 July 2011):
 You need to tell him the truth. If he's not the right one for you, then you need to let him go so he can find someone who accepts his good side and bad side. He does seem to have somewhat of an obsession with you, or a lot of clingyness. He should devote time to you, but it shouldn't get to the point where he's blowing off/not paying attention to his friends. Friendships last and most relationships don't, so he needs to devote half of his time to his friends. Just because you love him doesn't mean that he should be telling you what to do or requesting you get his permission. That's not right and it's his way of controlling you. Neither you or your bf realize it, but that's what he's doing. It's your life and he needs to respect it. You're 19, you can do whatever you want and you don't need his permission. You're an adult and you don't need to let him influence decisions that can be well made on your own. If he doesn't like your haircut, then that's too bad. If he doesn't like your tattoo, so what? He'll get over it. Don't let him control you. Respect yourself and allow yourself to live your life, whether you have a boyfriend or not. It seems like Ryan is influencing your decision to break it off. That's not good. You can come to the conclusion yourself of what you want when it comes to this relationship. This relationship is about you and your bf, not you, your bf and Ryan. You just have to be honest with your bf. The truth is definitely going to hurt him, but it needs to be said. Tell him you're not happy and you don't think he's right for you and if he asks why, tell him all the reasons you've mentioned in the beginning. You will find someone better, who you can honestly say you're in love with and wouldn't give him up for anything, and you can accept his bad traits. But be honest and let him find someone who will accept him, and let yourself move on and find someone else so the both of you will be happy. Hope this helps.
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