A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 27 and until last year I'd never kissed anyone, let alone anyone else. When I was at school boys just weren't interested and then when I was older I was so embarrassed by my lack of experience that if guys did show an interest I'd pretend that I wasn't interested in them because I was embarrassed and thought I wouldn't know what to do and they'd find out and laugh at me (stupid I know!)Anyway, last year I got really drunk and ended up kissing a guy for the first time when I was 26. Then a couple of months later I kissed another guy. Then I met another guy whilst I was travelling. I ended up seeing him a few times and ended up in a relationship with him and thought I should take the plunge and have sex with him so I could get some experience for when I met someone back home that I would be in a long term relationship so they wouldn't be put off by someone who at 26 had only kissed 3 guys and nothing more! I told him the reason I was still a virgin was because I'd wanted to wait until I was married so he would think it slightly less strange. I really did like him but I made him think that I was so in love with him that I wanted to make love with him because I loved him and didn't care about waiting until married anymore because I was so in love. This was partly true - i was in love with him but it was just because I felt I should have done it by my age and just wanted to do it. I had never been bothered about waiting until marriage, it was just a lie I told him so he wouldn't think there was something wrong with me.When we first me he told me he'd slept with 4 girls and I hated this. I hated that he'd slept with 4 other girls apart from me and it made me feel less special which I know is stupid because if the truth be told, I'd have had sex with other guys if they'd shown interest and i'd not been too scared they wouldn't have wanted to know me when they found out I was a virgin with no experience. A year and a half later we are still together but because I had convinced myself I was waiting until I was married which I wasn't really, it was just a convenient lie, I started getting really funny and into moods because he'd slept with other girls. These moods have gradually been getting worse over the past year or so (they didn't bother me at first) and recently in the past few months have been causing massive arguments because i'll get upset for no reason.A few weeks ago, I was in one of these moods where I won't talk to him or shout for no reason when he told me that he had actually only been with one girl besides me. All the girls he'd me had only wanted sex and he hadn't just wanted to do it with anyone because he wanted it to be special and he also wasn't sure what to do. When they found out he was a virgin they had told him they just wanted to be friends. Also he said his friends had been hassleing about being a virgin at his age and sometimes making fun of him saying he wouldn't understand, etc. He is five years younger than me and he said that he met a girl a couple of years ago that he had a relationship with for about a year and a bit and he had sex with her. He said he hadn't wanted to do it and it hadn't felt right when he did but felt he should so that when he met the girl of his dreams that he wanted to be with that they wouldn't just want to be friends because he didn't know what to do in the bedroom. Basically, he lost his virginity to a 16 year old when he was 20 and did it about 15 times. This was 2 years ago and about 6 months or so before he met me.At first when he told me about it I was relieved that it wasn't 4 girls and was only one and because of the reasons (friends making fun of him, etc) it didn't seem that bad because i understood. However this past week or so my moods are back and worse than ever. I know I am being COMPLETELY unreasonable since I did to him what he did to that other girl - just slept with them so that when I met someone else I'd have some experience. It just so happened that he turned out to be the love of my life. I hate thinking about him having sex with this other girl, especially given their age difference. At the moment I am thinking about him with this other girl probably at least 80% of the day, maybe more. I'm thinking really unreasonable things like positions they did it in, her touching him, him touching her, things i shouldn't think about. I'm shouting at him for no reason and crying or barely talking. I know I shouldn't be like this but how can I get out of this mindset and out of these moods. I love him more than anything and don't want our relationship to end but we're at the verge of breaking up over it which is the last thing I want! What can I do? Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): thanks for the reply. It is just so hard to not think about it. This weekend we have just almost broken up again and in fact this time I left only to come back and then today again it got so bad he asked me to leave. I'm so worried its going to end us breaking up over it which is the last thing I want.
I guess as well as being so jealous and hating the fact that he had sex with someone else is the fact that I haven't had sex with anyone else. I hate the fact that I've missed out on all those teen years of first kisses, dating, etc and all the high school romances, etc. I never had any of that and I feel I've missed out on a part of growing up that everyone else has. I don't have any past relationships to look back on, I don't have any of that sort of thing. I'm sure its good I didn't have any break ups and heartache over that but at the same time I feel sad that I have missed out on that too.
I think part of me may be jealous that he had what I wanted to have(a relationship and a past with someone else).
A
male
reader, rproctor  +, writes (30 April 2008):
If I was in your situation I would be more than happy! I mean... One person! ONE! Wow... That is as close to a virgin you will get (other than a virgin).
I think your jealousy stems from the fact that he had cheap sex, where as your sex was built into a relationship. Maybe you resent him for sleeping with her just to up his sexual experience. Where you did it for the same reason, but ended up in a meaningful relationship with him.
What you are dealing with is jealousy. It is one of the nastiest emotions to struggle with because it is as if you are on a roller coaster. One minute you can be happy, the next so angry and full of spite!
You may not ever get over the fact that he has had sex with someone other than you, but you can learn to live with it. YOu have every right to be unhappy when you picture him with another woman... He is your lover, not hers. But you have to understand that it was in his past, before he met you, and had nothing at all to do with you.
Rather he slept with 1 person or 100 people probably would not make a difference because do you notice now that even though it went from 4 to 1 you are still having the problem? It is because you dont like the idea of him with anyone.
I would say, search these forums for "her past" you will see a lot about this.
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