A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend and i have been together 9 months, known each other 3 years, havent seen each other in 3 months, spoke on the phone once in those 3 months.our primary form of communication is texting. And sometimes we go a week without a text, especially after we spend a day together. he doesnt speak to me for 5 days after that. He has 2 jobs and goes to college, i have 1 job and college as well. He seldom shows me attention, but i still love him. So i've been cheating. Not just with 1 man, its been 3 maybe 4 in the last few months. They give me the attention that i dont get from him. If he was doing his part, i wouldnt be cheating. I will never tell him im cheating though. Am i wrong? I love him,what should i do? I'm so unhappy being with him, but i cant live without him. Help!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 September 2011):
 ok so why do you consider a man who never sees you, never calls you, never tells you he loves you, doesn't want to live with you, doesn't do his part etc etc etc your boyfriend?
YOU are cheating on him and mad at him.
are you in love with HIM or the man you WANT HIM TO BE?
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (28 September 2011):
 For pete's sake, it's not like anyone is holding a gun to your head stating, "Cheat or die.". Come on now!!! You act like cheating is your ONLY choice when it's not!! Since he's not listening when you try to communicate, then the only option you have left is to dump him.
I also keep hearing he's not doing his part..What about you? Doesn't look like you are since you're cheating on him. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, not just one. So don't place the blame solely on him.
It's blatantly obvious that he doesn't have time for a relationship since college has started. He doesn't have time for you. Now, that's your cue to be the grown up and tell him it's over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): Babes, u are in denial. Whether your bf gave u undivided attention or not, u will still choose to run around.
U are not ready for a committed relationship.
"No remorse" u say. Why the hell must he show remorse? For your cheating?
Your actions show that u do not "love" your bf.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2011):
 If he never showed you emotions or said that he loved you, why were you with him in the fist place?
Stop blaming him - woman up and own your own actions. If he doesn't make you happy end the relationship and find someone who does.
I still don't see how you can justify the cheating. How can cheating ever fix a relationship? It like shooting yourself in the foot because you don't want steak for dinner... makes no sense what so ever.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 September 2011):
 I am not that sure you would not have cheated if he had shown you more attention. Because basically what you are saying is that you can only be faithful if the relationship proceeds smoothly and harmoniously, without any problem, as a relationship should be.
What if it does not. There always can be problems in a relationship, other than lack of affection/ attention. Once you accept, in fact choose ,cheating as your coping mechanism for couple troubles, you tend to apply it in every situation.
Suppose he were more attentive. You could still have a huge fight about something, maybe money or his family or something- and you'd be mad at him. But , since in a " proper " relationship, he would not make you mad... you'd go out and cheat on him.
Or, suppose he 'd flirt with some girl and he'make you jealous - since in a good relationship blah blah,then you'd practice retaliation cheating. Or, suppose he were nice to you but did something very stupid that you don't approve of, say, betting all his salary on horses- you'd cheat him to punish him.
What I am tryng to say, cheating is neither an inevitable nor a smart option to solve couple problems. Either you work them out- or you don't, and break up.
But if you are not happy together , or can't get along, yet you stay-he 's not the one who is MAKING you cheat. You are.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 September 2011):
 "I wouldn't have cheated if he was there for me how a relationship should be."
Best to take responsibility for your own choices and not cop out to other's behavior. Would you also say to the judge that you had to rob a bank because your job laid you off?? Or you had to shake your baby because she wouldn't stop crying?? Of course you wouldn't. That's outrageous to even suggest that!!
Right? Isn't it?
Everyone has choices. It's just as outrageous to blame cheating on someone else. You had far more mature avenues to getting your needs met than cheating. Let's review:
1. You could have talked it out before cheating and given him a chance to work WITH you on finding the solution or attempt to find out his real intentions for your relationship.
2. You could have acknowledged bad timing on where you both were in your lives as far as a relationship goes. Then you could have broken up honorably. Then you could sleep with 425,622 more guys with no worry about cheating.
3. You could do some self-reflection as to why you spent yourself so cheaply on 4 other guys in such a short amount of time. Seriously? Sex doesn't equal attention and you know it. There's a serious needy hole in you that you're trying to fill. Like the mirage, you thought you saw water, yet you drunk the sand and still remained lonely and thirsty.
Bottom line, if he's not showing you love, you leave. Yes, he clearly neglected you. The timing is bad. I had 2 jobs and went to full-time college as well as a fiance. I had no time whatsoever and crammed as much as I could into when I could see him. It isn't easy. You simply wanted to crawl home, get under the sheets and sleep for a week.
If it doesn't work, you break it off and find someone else. Giving sex away so casually and cheaply by cheating cannot be blamed on anything or anyone else, and like the mirage, you'll only feel more empty and miserable, and now you've destroyed any hope for a future with your boyfriend.
Finally, if you're cheating, you *can't* love your boyfriend. If you truly loved a man, you would have ZERO appetite for another.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2011): Puzzling"he shows no remorse for any of this"For what? You are the one cheating. Correct?"He has 2 jobs and goes to college"No excuse for not communicating, but who is communicating on your end. You are screwing other people...why would he talk to you?I hate to bust your bubble, but if you are screwing other people then you certainly are not rocking his world when you are with him. You simply cannot, because you know when you see him that you cheated, you know when he touches you that another guy is doing that to you when he's not around, and your behavior does change. When you are with him, you lie to him, lie about what you've been doing, and lie about how you feel, and lie about who you are hanging out with.Think it doesn't? Think again. There is no true intimacy when you are doing this...and he feels it, and may or may not care, and may or may not understand what is happening.But, bottom line, you two are worlds apart intimacy wise...and always will be unless you talk, tell him, and fix what is wrong with you.Fix the relationship? You can't, you are cheating, and a serial cheater at this point "3 maybe 4 in the last few months". 3 maybe 4 sounds odd in and of itself, you know full well how many it has been, so own up to it at least in your own mind. It doesn't matter if it is 1 or 10, it's all the same, cheating.You can't fix the relationship without fixing yourself first.You trying to fix this would be like an alcoholic, still drinking, going to AA Meetings full of long term sober people and telling everyone there that he has figured out how they can keep themselves from drinking again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2011): "So i've been cheating. Not just with 1 man, its been 3 maybe 4 in the last few months.They give me the attention that i dont get from him. If he was doing his part, i wouldnt be cheating." ---to quote you.I have to disagree with the others and think that when a woman cheats it tends to be because there are problems. This relatiionship sounds unsatisfying for you. As far as telling him about your infidelities - whoaaa!!! If you want him to dump you then tell him. If you want to ruin the realationship then tell him. Oh yeah, and tell him if you cant handle the guilt and want to feel relieved of that!! (that last one was a joke, 'guilt' is NOT a reason to tell someone you have cheated). Seriuosly, if he wont find out from others then dont tell him. if he is likely to find out then think about it. I cheated on my lover around 5 times and he did not find out. Why? Cos i did not tell him and the other people have been discreet ( all one night stands). Why did i cheat? Cos I was unhappy. We're okay now, and he didnt need to know (I hasten to add I did NOT have sex with any of these people). What you need to do now honey is re-evaluate your relationship. Is this what you really want? I'm sorry, but long shifts/studying??? C'mon, everyone needs to make a bit of time for their significant other.Talk to your man. I fyou can stop the cheating then do it. One thing is for sure, you are going to need to stop this behaviour if you want to stay with him. Personally i dont think there is enough support on here for people who have cheated, you just get shamed. Every time i have cheated i felt traumatised afterwards and it would have been nice to come on here, just once and have a woman say 'me too, I was unhappy/depressed to and I cheated.'Well, I am saying this to you now, and also thankyou for your HONESTY. Plenty of women cheat, just not many admit to it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe shows no remorse for any of this. I've tried to tell him how i feel, he gets mad. And being goal oriented is a great thing, thats one of the things i like about him, but he won't move get a place together with me. He never tells me he loves me or anything, I wouldnt have cheated if he was there for me how a relationship should be.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2011): "If he was doing his part, i wouldnt be cheating."That is not true, really, it may seem like it but it isn't. Cheating is a very complex issue, that comes from within YOU.Sorry, but the relationship is the relationship, and sounds like it is not so great right now, but the cheating is not the relationship, it is how you are reacting to the relationship.If you don't get a handle on this, and you don't figure this out, then you will repeat the pattern again, even if you are married, even if you have children.Read some books about cheating and affairs and work to understand why you are doing this.Break up with him, for mercy's sake, and tell him if he tries to rekindle it that you are needing to work on yourself so you can have a constructive relationship with someone in the future.Don't get involved with someone until you do that, or you will fuck the next good opportunity up as well.BTW, did the guys you had sex with know that you had a boyfriend? If they did, then you are hanging with guys who enjoy screwing other people over. So, maybe you need to get a new group of friends as well.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 September 2011):
Of course you are wrong, do you even need to ask ?!
Explanations are not the same as justifications. " I am starving for attention " is an explanation, not a justification. It says why you chose to cheat, it does not say that you had the right to do it, or that it was a good choice.
You could have made other choices. For instance, keeping in check your need for attention and make do with what he gives you ; OR, sitting him down and explain him nicely that your needs aren't being met and you'd like more communication effort by him ; OR, leaving him and looking for another guy who can give you what you want.
You weren't / aren't obliged to cheat, if you want to cheat why has it got to be his fault ?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 September 2011):
I think you are being ridiculous. It's not HIS fault that you are cheating, that was YOUR choice, If you felt neglected you should have told him. However, it seems like your man is busy building a life for himself (and you I assume) - he seems like a guy who knows what he wants in life and are going for them.
Men (and women) are not mind readers if you want something from your partner, telling them or showing them have much better results then just expecting them to know.
Maybe you need a guy who is not so goal oriented?
I just don't see how cheating is going to make you happy? Or improve your relationship. If you think cheating is going to fix anything, I think you have no clue about being in a relationship.
You need to reevaluate your priorities. Either you want your BF or you want to be single and screw around.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (26 September 2011):
 If you're gonna cheat then that's your choice, but don't try to blame your cheating on him... that's just sad.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 September 2011):
 I'm sorry to inform you that your "justification" for cheating is NOT NEW..... DOZENs of men AND WOMEN have used this line in the past.....
It was as flimsy for them as it is for you.....
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