A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 21 year old Egyptian girl. A year ago I met an American guy online, he is 26. Since the first night we met we both clicked right away. We talked for five hours and neither of us really wanted to go. I wasn't looking for a relationship nor was he, but both of us fell in love with each other. We spent a lot of time talking and getting to know each other better. We literally spoke from 10 to 15 hours daily via yahoo messenger and phone calls. Since the very day we met he asked if I have any kids, I said jokingly: "You can't expect a virgin to have kids". He said he has two kids a girl who is 6 and a boy who is 5. Since we grew fonder of each other over the days, it was about time to talk about being committed to each other and be in a relationship. It was a very hard decision to make...I come from a VERY conservative religious muslim family, although I'm secretly spiritual myself (I believe in God and respect all religions but don't really follow any).. He was Christian at the time and in Islam it's forbidden that a 'Muslim' girl marries a non-muslim guy.. And in my culture a virgin (or a girl who's never been married) would never be allowed to marry a man who married previously and with kids.. It's almost impossible, it just doesn't happen... But in spite of all the differences I knew I really loved this man and there was something about us and I wanted to give our relationship at chance...At that time it was about time to tell my family.. I expected a hard time.. They took my cellphone so I don't talk to him and tried many times to cut all the ties between us... Until he decided to convert to Islam to win my family's heart.. He read a lot about it.. I told him it's not going to make me happy if he did it for me, because I already have my own views... He said he wasn't doing it just for my family, he wanted to do it... Until one day on a Muslim holiday, he phoned me and told me he converted... I supported his choice, I was scared inside that he might turn into a typical Muslim man and he assured me that he wouldn't, he'll always be the man I fell in love with... I told my family he converted.. It did not make any difference to them.. They still rejected me being with him.. I've been forced a few times to meet other guys and be trapped into traditional marriage.. One of the suitor's was my cousin's ex fiance and family still didn't mind cause 'he is a good guy' *sigh*We talked many times about meeting in person and since it is impossible for me to fly to the United States unless I'm not coming back, he promised he would come and see me and we've waited long enough (7 months) to see each other.. He came to Egypt last March.. Since that moment I held him tight at the airport I was so sure he is my true love and it was a dream coming true.. On the second day of his visit he proposed to me with a beautiful ring.. Sadly, he did not meet my family because they refused to meet him, but we still had the best six days of our life together so far... Before he visited me we decided to started an immigration process so I can move there with him.. We filled in the papers while he was here and sent them to be processed two months after he came back home.. We only spent six days together because he had to be back to the kids, I cried a lot on the last day he was here with me.. It was so hard to let him go, but I told him that I understand that the kids need him...After he came back from Egypt we continued with our ordinary life... We talk from the moment open our eyes (although we have 7 hours time difference between us), until the moment we sleep... Although the kids are very young, I can say I developed a good relationship with them.. I call very often and send gifts and they make voice mails and draw cute paintings of me with him and them.. I forgot to say that his ex wife whom he married at 20 because he got pregnant is a very messed up person, she's a drug abuser and literally doesn't see the kids for months.. He has full custody of the two kids...A few months ago we started having problems and handicaps came on the surface... The stress of the immigration process, and that I have to hide everything from my family since I've subject to physical abuse a few times because of my choice to be with him and even a threat of honor killing if I leave to him which freaked me out, and just the ordinary silly arguments between any couple have all affected us.. And I have to say he was gradually changing.. I already knew he was a little bit jealous and he had trust issues with past relationships.. But it grew and it became very very annoying.. I'm a very straight-forward faithful person, but nothing has changed about his jealousy and mistrust...Like in every relationship we have our ups and downs... We made plans for our future and decided to try with my family when I'm there with him since they will never allow us to be together if I told them I'm leaving... Until I got the most shocking news 2 days ago....My fiance got a weird letter in the mail on which was written (A One Night Stand 4 Years Ago)... He says he gave it back to the mailman and told him it must be a wrong address.. Then he came online and told me I'm scared it might be the only one night stand I had 4 years ago, and the worst case scenario is that I might be having a third son... I freaked out.. I couldn't think I told I didn't know what to say to him or think and I would like to go and meet online and talk the next day... I cried all night that freaking out of the possibility that he might be having a third son....The next day (yesterday) I barely talked to him although I tried to stay calm... I told him he had to know what all this was about... He told me he doesn't want to lose me, and in fact I know that I can't let him go :'(... He called the post office and got the info of the sender he called her, and she told him she has a son and she is 80% sure it's his... He looks so much like him.. She wanted to tell him before but he had a girlfriend, but since HE IS SINGLE AT THE MOMENT she thought it's a good time to tell him.. He told her he's engaged and he would like to talk to his fiancee before talking an action.. When he told me what happened I burst into tears.. I took a break from my work and cried long and hard... He told me he didn't know about it and he's shocked and terrified too, but I really felt like I don't want to talk to him.. I just wanted to go... I cried a lot.. We were just planning for our wedding and our life together when we discover that he has a son with a one night stand!!! Plus I do think that woman wants him in her life or else she would not have contacted him... :'( We argued last night.. I was denial, I told him why he chose me and loved me I had a hard life already and wasn't ready for more hurt... I told him on the phone 'This is too hard, I don't think I can do it'... He thought I was saying I broke up with him and he sent me an email breaking up with me... We were back together in an hour and half... He called me and he said he was sorry but he is shocked and hurt too... I went to bed..This morning I woke up not feeling like doing anything.. I did not want to go to work or talk to or see anyone... My eyes were swollen from crying all night already... He called me once he woke up.. I told him I like to have a few days for myself to rethink what happened.. He was so sad but he let me have it...He wrote many emails saying he can't lose me and he can't imagine his life without me.. He made the kids a voice mail asking me to talk to him and come home.. But after what happened and all the things he did and said, I really want a time for myself to be quiet and do nothing but think... He sent me a very very sweet poem to my email a few hours ago expressing 'his' feelings and how he feels about 'me' (I know he doesn't write poetry) and as I expected he copied and pasted that poem online....and personalized the details that did not match our situation... I wish he wrote it himself or mentioned he didn't write these words but it is how he feels....Anyway... I am still in shock because of the son he has with a one night stand out of the blue... I am still shocked because he actually split up with (even though it was for an hour and half) after all we have been through and after all I have been through just fighting for my right to be with him... I feel very hurt... He told me he likes to wait until I'm there to arrange the visitations his ex wife shall have of the kids, and he likes to wait until I'm there to have a paternity test to see of the child is his or not.. He likes to wait until I'm there to go to register for university... I really don't know where we can plan for OUR future now... How many kids will we have when he already has three... I feel like our whole world has turned upside down...Should I risk being abandoned from my family and may be a possibility of being harmed if I ever come back to be with him...? Should I let him inform his family and let me to talk to them and tell them my fears (he likes to wait until he knows he really is the father or not)...? Also, I really don't know much about how American families or 'fiancees' would handle a situation like this... He says his family would support him and he's expecting the same from me since he did not know about the child... But it's just really hard :'(.. Where I come from, a situation like this is not even possible.. I am very proper about my morals and hold my principles high... I am making him wait on sex until we are married... I have never smoked a cigarette, never drank alcohol, never been out after 1 am, and I never really made a big mistake.. While on the other hand he had a very messed up past.. He went to jail for 2 years for helping a friend in a robbery at 16 (his parents were through a divorce at that time and his family was all apart), he got a girl pregnant and married at 20, the split up 3 years later and then had a divorce.. I know inside he is a good person, but his past in haunting us and our future :(.. I'm too scared I don't know what to expected anymore... I really don't want to let him go but I don't see what we would be doing in the coming year or so... I'm too scared that something else might come up...I'm very desperate... I like to forgive him but the reality hits me like a bolt... I was going to talk to him when he sent me that sweet poem but when I found out he copied and pasted it (as I expected) I felt a little disappointed... I wished he used his own words.. He wrote me many emails expressing his feelings though...Any thoughts on how to handle this dilemma? I really don't want to be left alone one day weeping a family I lost, a love with so many handicaps and baggage from the past, and an unknown future... I love him, I don't want to let him go, but I don't know what to do...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): There is only one way to deal with this and it would be to take everyones advice like a grain of salt. I have had a similar situation and unlike the first's girls response everything worked out for me and him. Our family and friends where not in accordance but we made it work and we are very happy.
The answer of the first girl sounds like something a demanding religious person would say. She seems bitter and like she is trying to control your decision. Everyone else has a valid point but they are basically telling you what to do.
Not every situation is the same so im not saying that you will be happy like me or ruin your life like others. All I am saying is that the only person that is in this particular situation and living it every second is you. So you take time and think everything over and be realistic about all your possible outcomes.
You seem like a very smart and educated girl. Im sure everything will work out for you. But please don't let people fill your head because in the end you make a decision that you are unhappy with at least you'll know that you wanted to make that decision and no one forced you. Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the answers...
I have decided to give my fiance a chance to fix this situation and I have postponed our marriage plans until he fixes the situation and guarantees me that his past will never interfere with our future again.. He was very sad when I told him I cannot come to him in January as we originally planned, but understood my decision and he is trying to help me feel better and let me know how sorry and better of a person he is now (after he met me)... I know he loves and honestly I love him so very much.. I have decided not to talk to him for a few days and when I did I was very short and blunt with him and yet he has been very understanding sorry and loving and sweet... We have been through many hardships together and this one although very hard, but it shall pass... I also told him that I can't come to him until I get my family's approval... I kinda know that it is impossible, but I would like to my best and try again... I'm spending more time with them now.. Although they are not treating me as I would like, but I'm not going to give up yet...
My fiance is not willing to lose me under any cost.. I kind of feel cruel cause of how short and unloving 'I seem' with him, but I really still don't feel ok yet.. I hope things get better between us again soon.. We deserve a chance to make things as they should be.. I love him and he loves me and we really have had enough of bad circumstances...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): Just curious, this is the anonymous poster.
What did you decide to do?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): Hey Girl,
I just wanted to comment here. I was in a VERY similar situation, here’s my post: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/guys--did-you-give-it-another-go.html
I posted my Q, maybe about a week ago.
At the time, I was hoping we’d get back together. The advice I got, helped me.
I called it off with the guy I was talking to 3 months ago, at the end of July. Toward the end of the months since then I tend to think of him a bit more, thus the reason for posting that Q.
It just takes time. This is probably the first person you were serious about or fell and in love with – that’s why it’s going to take awhile to get over it.
I’ll tell you one thing, this guy doesn’t deserve you.
It shows a lot about his character.
I’m not Egyptian, but my culture isn’t American (even though I’ve lived in the U.S. all my life). Both of our cultures are conservative, traditional, and have very high codes of ethics/morals (values).
My culture is the same way, no pre-marital sex, etc.
Americans are NOT as traditional, etc – as both of our cultures. Americans are very LIBERAL in regards to relationships and sex.
I know as an American guy, he is probably not like anyone you’ve met before. They’re much more expressive, they show their feelings, they’re more interesting. And he was probably also very accepting of your culture, etc. These are some of the things I liked about him.
Story short, my family found out about him.
I had to let him go, or I was facing an almost arranged marriage.
However, with the time apart, you know, his faults started to arise (In the beginning, I was blinded by love, as they say).
We lived in very different cities. He lived in a metropolitan city (versus the small town I grew up in).
He had long term relationships with women. He had sex with at least a dozen other women (he did claim only in committed relationships, but he was very good looking, I’m sure he had at least a few one night stands). His last relationship, a woman lived with him for 2 years.
ETC…
The connection was there, but with the time apart I noticed the differences.
One of the things this man said he loved about me was my values. The American women he dated were very different from me. I’m sure your guy, loved you for the same reasons.
Your guy had a bad past, although it’s not who he is NOW, he still made some BAD choices.
You say, “I am very proper about my morals and hold my principles high... I am making him wait on sex until we are married... I have never smoked a cigarette, never drank alcohol, never been out after 1 am, and I never really made a big mistake.. While on the other hand he had a very messed up past.”
I’m very much the same way, I’m 22 and in college, yet still live with my family (unmarried women in my culture do no move out). Don’t smoke or drink, etc.
The guy you were seeing was in jail, and most importantly he has kids. I know you liked his kids, but you have your whole life ahead of you. You’ve lived your life the right way, and you deserve someone better than him.
He wants you to wait until you’re there to have the paternity test because ONCE YOU’RE THERE, YOU’RE NOT LEAVING! He knows he’ll talk you into staying.
The man had a child out of wedlock with a woman he was NOT even committed too. He had sex with a stranger, and got the woman pregnant.
Since you’re a virgin waiting for marriage, you see sex as something special between 2 people.
This man sees sex as sex, nothing but physical – he can separate his emotional side from sex. It’s very likely he’d cheat on you.
Anything you do together physically would never be as special to him as it is for you.
I had the same thoughts about the guy I was going to see.
The other thing that made me think is, this guy just sees sex as sex. I don’t have any experience, what if I’m not good enough? That even increases the chance he’d cheat.
If he was a guy that at least had some morals or value, and hadn’t been with as many women, I know he cared more for the emotional aspect of it.
All these thoughts can be reflected to your guy.
This guy has 3 kids now, he works, I don’t know if the other kids live with him or not but how do you expect to go to school, study, and come home to cook, clean, etc, and take care of 2 kids? And spend time with him?
And the other thing, since he has children he WILL ALWAYS be in contact with the EX. Contact with an EX is never good.
You also mention, “He says his family would support him and he's expecting the same from me since he did not know about the child.”
He’s not very responsible. You also have to consider your health. This man has one night stands with women and DOESN’T take PRECAUTIONS (condoms, etc). He can easily bring back a sexually transmitted disease to you back home IF he cheats.
You mention, “HE told me HE LIKES to wait until I'm there to arrange the visitations his ex wife shall have of the kids, and HE LIKES to wait until I'm there to have a paternity test to see of the child is his or not.. HE LIKES to wait until I'm there to go to register for university..”
This was another thing which I was afraid of when considering the guy I was talking to, these men know that we tend to listen to our families, are more traditional, etc – they can see us as easily being able to control us. It’s already what “HE LIKES.”
The guy I was talking to also tried to convince me to leave me family for him (he knew once I left, my family would no longer deal with me and I would have nowhere else to go).
This man isn’t worth your family. Just tell your family, they are right about him, and you don’t want to worry about men or marriage anymore and plan to focus on your studies. This will stop them from having you meet other guys for marriage, etc.
In time, you can meet another guy, and if he’s worth it, you can risk it.
As for your Q, “Also, I really don't know much about how American families or 'fiancees' would handle a situation like this.”
One thing about American women, they don’t take bull sh*t. ANY engagement plans would be called off.
You have to take the situation for what it is, you’re VERY lucky you never left home and found this out.
This happened so you could REALLY think about the choices you’re about to make.
Leave this man alone. Tell him you wish him the best, tell him you care about him, tell him everything you felt was real BUT tell him you talked to your family and that they will not accept you once you leave.
Tell him you love him very much, but you can’t leave your family for him. Tell him you'd miss them too much and you can NEVER be happy without your family.
Let him know you THOUGHT they would accept you in time, but after talking to them, they would NEVER talk to you again.
They would disown you.
Tell him, if HE continues to make contact with you that THEY WILL FORCE YOU into an arranged marriage.
Tell him they are checking your e-mails, messengers, and phone – tell him they demanded all of your passwords.
Let him know, there can’t be any more contact.
You love him, but can’t be with him. Just let him know, you hope he finds someone who makes him happy.
BETWEEN YOU AND ME: This guy never deserved you, you have many opportunities ahead. Next time you find an American guy or ANY GUY, make sure he has his life together, is responsible, NO children, no EX WIVES.
Please let me know if you need any more advice and let me know what you’re going to do and what happens – sorry for the long post, but I was in a very similar situation.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (2 November 2009):
 Hi
I've read your story and in my honest opinion this situation is very complexed.
I know islamic familes sometimes can be overbearing but truly they only have the best intentions at heart. You have to forgive them for that.
When you choose a marriage partner you need to make sure that person is 101% compatible with you because you only want to marry ONCE.
You also want the best start in your married life.
Whether or not your parents choose to agree with your choice is irrelevant.
This guy's life is already complicated and to be honest its not a good start to a healthy happy marriage.
Think: If your lives are like this now how will it be in a few years time?
He has already found out he may have a son, how do you know he wont have anymore children popping up in the future and suprising you?
You dont know the full facts of his life only what he chooses to tell you!
The only way you truly know if you love someone is by spending time together getting to know their good and bad habits.
Then only can you can make an informed judgement about love and marriage.
You cannot tell someone's TRUE character over the phone, email or by msgs or by spending some few minutes with them.
The other person may only tell you some of their story or show you their good side only.
With all this extra pressure I dont think your marriage to this guy will work out.
I am sorry I say this but as an aunt on this forum I have a job to be totally honest with you.
I have seen both the western and the eastern views in my life and my instincts are saying for you to not rush into anything with this guy and to take things very very very very slowly and cautiously.
You owe it to yourself to have a happy future marriage so give yourself some time to come to terms with events because you are in total shock and disbelief.
Your family most likely will never give him a chance now but who you marry is your decision so choose a partner wisely and deserving of you.
Be careful because it will be very hard for you at a later stage in life if you rush head into marriage with this guy who seems to have so much baggage around him.
If he is a good guy he will wait for you to make your choices and not rush you into marriage.
Try and give yourself some space and time to think things over but I would not advise this union.
In the long run it is better for you if you dont pursue this.
I know it is hard but i believe all things in life happen for a reason so see this as a lesson and a blessing.
Goodluck.
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