A
female
age
51-59,
*armalade22
writes:My husband is a middle aged old who has a part time job as an entertainer. He is generally quiet and somewhat shy except when he is performing. Back last fall I caught him talking, emailing and texting to a young girl who lived eight hours away. He says this was just a game to him. That it meant nothing. (they did not have sex and she confirmed that, she also had no idea he was married and felt awful). I do believe if I hadn't caught him, things could have gone to a different place, but not sure. We did the counseling route. But he still lies to me about a woman he is talking to now. I only know this cause I (not really knowing where it would lead) set him up. He is not real bright and he has bought this set up. This is actually the second time I did this to him and I know that it sounds sadistic and absurd, but I know him and I know he is weak and needs attention and acceptance (I am really trying to give him all this). The first time I set him up, I confronted him, this time and am letting it play out just to see how and why and to see if he actually would physically cheat. He says he will not but then he does engage in all kinds of betrayal other than physical. I am torn. I see him for who and what he is. I do love him but do resent him horribly. I know I should leave him but part of me feels awful for leading this horse down this path. This is deep so please don't judge.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (29 July 2008):
 You are playing a dangerous game with other people's lives in hopes that somehow you'll feel better after all is said and done.
How would you enjoy being "set up" by someone?
All of this game playing is helping you to avoid the discussion you need to have with your husband. Maybe the two of you need a break from this marriage so that each of you can get your sh!t together. Or you can continue this bizarre state of co-dependence, play these disrespectful games, destroy some lives, and end up feeling even worse.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): I am so sorry to hear about all the issues and emotional turmoil; I cannot help you with counseling via the internet;
HOWEVER, I do suggest you go for counseling; find yourself again; discover yourself; who YOU are and what you WANT; then talk to your husband and if you both have a DESIRE to save this marriage; you NEED to go for counseling;
BUT
I suggest you have to first come to terms with yourself; your needs and your wants;
This is not an easy road; BUT you NEED to do it for yourself and your future; being it with your husband or without; you will only know that once you have rediscovered your "innerself".
Best wishes and lots of SMILES.
Keep us posted; we are here for you 24/7
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A
female
reader, marmalade22 +, writes (28 July 2008):
marmalade22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question When I caught him the first time talking and texting to a "real" girl we did split for about two weeks. He lived with family but begged and pleaded that he loved me and never meant to hurt me and he swears he was ready to end their talking. I actually got to know the girl because I really had to understand what he was trying to do. That left me highly confused and that is why eventually I had to set him up. I did not know I was going to until I did. Even with the imaginary girl he was and is always adamant about "loving" his wife but I think that it is just words to ease his guilt. As for the homefront, I made a very very conscience decision to be aware of what and how I say things to him (in the past, we fought horribly about him lying but it was always about money or the run of the mill everyday issues people face in marriage and to be very frank, I know my disappoint after years of this got expressed in an immature sometimes ugly manner)...I have worked hard on this and try to make sure he knows I love him and cherish him. The trust and respect thing is a tough one for us. I do realize that it takes two in all things and I know I could or or should of responded differently to him at times in the past. Still trying to figure out if that is why he does what he does and that is why I guess I am still married to him. I have had moments of complete clarity with this and see that I would be okay without all of this craziness but I know I care deeply about him and I know he cares deeply for me and my daughter (she is not our daughter).
I truly truly appreciate your replies and do take them to heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): To be honest I have thought of setting my boyfriend up to, so I'm not one to judge. And in all fairness why should you trust him? His mind is obviously wondering, but if you do love him then make sure he knows what he's got to loose, maybe even a short break from eachother might help, if you stayed with your family or a friend for a week or even a weekend but made it clear your still together. Some poeople may disagree on the whole setting up business, and trust is a base on any relationship. But if you did take time from him then maybe you'll know for sure whether he'll go behind you're back with someone else, then after this break you should have a more clear opinion on whether he'll strayor not. Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): I am not here to judge you; all I can say is that from your posting it is obvious that your marriage is in trouble; you have to decide what you want to do about it; only you can decide if there is hope for repair; maybe try marriage counseling again; otherwise I suggest you must call it a day; from what I read; it seems there is no trust or respect and what is a relationship without that?
Best wishes and lots of SMILES.
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