A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I have been dating for almost 2 years and have a child. I know he wants to get married and have a very high suspicion that he's going to propose soon from all the comments he keeps making. Nothing would make me happier because I love him but my problem is that lately I'm unable to look at him without seeing his past. For the past 2 years he basically told me every detail of every relationship he ever had. I have a very big issue about that and I told him so every time he told me something new and we still have fights whenever he brings it up. Last night we both ended up crying because I asked him if he likes seeing me hurting. I know everyone has a past and it moulds who we are today. The problem is that when we first met he got with my "best friend" even though they both knew I was crazy about him and going through a rough stage in my life. Him and I had met the 2 weeks before and had been smsing. The night after he got with her he went to visit her at work and bought her lunch. The next day he did it again. He smsd her every day and sent her airtime. I got an sms saying that we would have never worked and we can only be friends. I didn't even want that at that stage. My "friend" rejected him when he asked her out and when she did it a couple of months later with another guy I liked and rejected him, it was quite obvious why she did it. To hurt me. So somehow my bf and I started talking via mxit, then we started hanging out and then we started going out. When we started going out he said "so I guess we're dating." My friend got a "be mine."I know it's 2 years later and that it's mostly my fault but he didn't try hard with me. I didn't make him try at all. He never made an effort 2 visit me, I always ran after him. To this day he's never bought me lunch. His memories of his ex of 3 years are clearer to him then the ones of the last 2 years. I found a letter once to his ex when they were going through a rough patch and all the "lines" he was feeding her I recognised immediately. "I wanna be with you forever, partners in crime" ect. He took his ex's on dates to the drive in with pizza, we used to hang out with his friends, where he would never even hold my hand. He doesn't remember the first time he told me he loved me but he remembers the first time he told her. Evreything that happened with his ex's I bore the brunt for. He went down on one and it was not a nice experience and so he would never go down on me. The one was long distance and he told me that if I studied after school, because I would be living in RES, he didn't see us working. Thus the child was conceived. The one gave him public issues and so I was not allowed to hold his hand in public or kiss him, something I was not used to at all. I know it's 2 years and a child down the line and I know it's too late to take back everything he's told me. I wanna be with him so badly but the worthlessness I feel every day is affecting the relationship. With everything I know I can't help comparing. We have spoken about it but it changes nothing. Those memories are there in his head and now mine too. Please give me some advice. I know I'm irrational and over possessive and I'm not asking for people to remind me of that. Just advice to get over it.
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (13 January 2009):
 The choice he made to be with his daughter and not let her be a child from a broken home shows he has a good heart. He cares enough to want the best for his child. YOU ARE A BIG PART of his child's life. Thus you are included in his future plans it seems. If he has been making comments about getting married to you the take it as it is. Stop letting the past interfere or you ARE MOST LIKELY GOING TO LOOSE HIM IN THE END.
YOU just have to learn to give him trust and try to understand his pain that he was thrown away by these women.
if he has already been a child from a broken home, it's possible that he connects his breakups with abandoment from his childhood. Childhood scares are something not only hard to live down but sometimes they are so overwhelming you can't seem to leave them behind you. They follow you where ever you go. I was also a child of a broken home. I have been divorced twice because the men in my life abandoned me.One for another woman and the other only God knows why. I suffered hardships because of it. After all my years I am still plagued with bad memories.
I sometimes talk about my ex's but it's only in a manner to explain something I went thru that damaged me or how I dealt with certain situations because of the breakups. I have a few fond memories but that is part of life to reminiss, It's unhealthy and uncalled for though to make the person you are with feel less capable, unattractive, unstable, demeaned among other emotions t hey might feel. I really hope that he can see how much it hurts you and will do his best to stop.
You might try to appeal your case to the fact that he actions will cause troubles in the long run for the child. Ask him to be the Father she needs and be the man you need. Ask him to try to let go of the past. Don't demand but be firm. Try to remember as I mentioned before THAT HE IS WITH YOU. HE DID DECIDE TO DATE YOU AND NOW HE HAS DECIDED TO STAY WITH YOU AND HELP RAISE THE CHILD THAT YOU BOTH CREATED. IN TIME AS YOUR RELATIONSHIP GROWS YOU CAN HOPE FOR THINGS TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER AS YOU BOTH GROW AND MATURE.
My second husband cheated on me for years and I stayed. I loved and we had two children. I FORGAVE HIM BUT EVEN NOW SOMETIMES PART OF ME SLIPS UP AND REMEMEBERS. We have been divorced for almost 18 years and ALL IS FORGIVEN BUT STILL IN COMPLETE HONESTY I STILL FIND IT HARD TO COMPLETELY FORGET. It has gotten less painful and I have less memories of my pain thru the years. I still love him but it's not the same love as before. When something like this happens in time YOU GROW, YOU MATUER, YOU LOVE AND YOU TRY YOUR BEST TO FORGET!
*JUST A NOTE~~~ THE BIBLE SAYS TO FORGIVE AND FORGET, HOWEVER THE FOGIVING PART IS MOST OFTEN THE EASIEST PART OF THE TWO.
I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS FAMOUS QUOTES~~~~~
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
Anonymous
He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.
George Herbert
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong
Gandhi
A wise man will make haste to forgive, because he knows the full value of time and will not suffer it to pass away in unnecessary pain.
Rambler
Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.
Peter Ustinov
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was YOU.
Unknown
To err is human; to forget, divine.
J. H. Goldfuss
I pardon him as God shall pardon me.
William Shakespeare
Only the brave know how to forgive; it is the most refined and generous pitch of virtue human nature can arrive at.
Sterne
Humanity is never so beautiful as when praying for forgiveness, or else forgiving another.
Jean Paul Richter
I hope you can see what all of this means and you can find refuge here. I hope that you can learn to forgive and forget. Letting go is never easy but sometims it's the only way to get to where you want to be in your life.
Blessings,
Blue_Angel
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy issues with his ex's probably wouldn't be as big as they are had he left the girls and not the other way around. The fact is that he told me that they left him and he was broken and I quite honestly didn't want to know about that. If they left him and he was broken then he didn't want to break up with them. I have spoken to him about these issues. We've had raging fights about it and we've had mature sit-down conversations. I don't know why he didn't stop in the beginning. One of our biggest first fights was because he told me what a perfect voice his one ex had and another was that his most romantic kiss ever was with another ex. It's also the details he gives that make it worse. I tell him to stop and he carries on. I made a rule. No talking about the past. But how do you keep to that rule when his family talks about them and brings his ex's up? His 12 year old brother asked me why his ex didn't get pregnant and I did. This was infont of his dad and his dad said that the ex knew what contraception is... My bf hadn't had sex with that ex but it made me so overly possessive and angry that his dad had that attitude and thought they did. He's here with me and his daughter now. But he also gives me reason to believe that we wouldn't be where we are without her. He chose to be a part of his daughters life and to support us because he doesn't want his children to come from a broken home, like himself. I don't want our relationship to be ruined and I know that I'm partly destroying it. I need to know thoug... HOW DO YOU JUST GET OVER IT?Oh and I got rid of that "friend" as soon as I left school, which was a year ago. It was obvious that in order for me to stand a chance, she had to be gone.
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (13 January 2009):
Indeed everyone does have a past. The thing is if you can't move past this bad feeling you have about this you can't expect a very happy future. You have got to realize that if you love him it's going to be pretty miserable without him. I believe that you need to talk to him and express your feelings but REMEMBER WHERE HE IS NOW!
After the initial times when you weren't really the center of his attention are no longer of significant importance. As long as your man has been treating you well since and doing his best to give you what you need, you really need to as they say in the song. WALK IT OFF! This man must care a great deal to have settled down at last with one woman and that is YOU! His past is just that hon.........his PAST! It is quite normal to talk about past relationships for some people. The things that bother you are probably not as important as you feel they are. They bother you most likely because you are jealous that there were others before you and you wanted him at that time also. If you love him, you have to let it go.
Take each day in stride and be happy because you finally reached your destination. You are now with him and embarking on a lifetime together. Perhaps he told you those things to make sure that you understood they are not a threat to you. Maybe he wanted to let you know these things to reassure you because you are with him now. If the other gals meant so much hon don't you realize that he WOULDN'T be with you NOW!
You say that you are irrational and over possessive, you are going to have to get a grip on yourself. If this man loves you whole heartedly you are surely going to damage the realationship if you keep this up. You should ask him to refrain from talking about the other gals so much because it really does make you feel a bit uneasy. You are going to have to be strong enough to let him live his past down and accept him with his memories, flaws and all. It is normal to feel a bit uneasy when your mate talks about other suitors alot. It causes fear in most people, the fear of loosing your partner. If you want to make this work out and hope for a marriage filled with love and all that goes with it you HAVE TO LEARN TO FORIGIVE HIS LITTLE INDESCRETIONS, BY LEARNING TO FORGIVE AND FORGET HIS PAST.
THE PAST DOESN'T MATTER NEAR AS MUCH AS THE FUTURE FOR YOU HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN. LET GOD HELP YOU IN PRAYER AND BRING YOU PEACE OF MIND SO YOU WILL BE ABLE TO MAKE A HAPPY HOME FOR YOUR CHILD AND YOUR HOPEFUL HUSBAND.
As far as your *friend.....I don't classify that as much of a friend who would jump in and take not only one of your potential mates but two of them. I suggest you get rid of that friend because she certainly sounds like TROUBLE to me!
MY BEST WISHES FOR A WONDERFUL LIFE WITH YOUR CHILD AND HIS FATHER. MY PRAYERS WILL BE WITH YOU. ASK GOD TO HELP YOU UNDERSTAND AND FORGIVE AND ASK THAT HE HELPS YOUR MATE TO LET GO OF HIS PAST TOO.
God bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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