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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have problems with my bf. Or maybe soon to be ex. Probably soon to be ex.See, we have a long history of issues because in my past I was with some guys he knew. This was way before I met him, but when we started dating I never told him, even though I was still friends with some of them. These relationships had been purely physical and short lived. To me and the other guys, they were meaningless, and they were well buried in the past. My bf had warned me he was jealous so I never told him because of this and also because he had told me he never wanted to know about my past. So ikept quiet, but one day he asked. And I lied. And he reacted awfully. So when he asked for more details I lied again.Of course he started judging me and calling me names, and also didn't trust me. i promised not to lie but it was hard considering he kept digging up for more and more details. I mostly said the truth though, and he really got angry over the smallest details. So when he asked about something that was a bit more of a deal, I kept quiet. Eventually i told him all the truth, although I had promised not to lie.But all of this created more problems. I started losing my friends, and well, he started keeping an eye on me. And he said he wanted to cheat, several times he said that, even though later he said that was the anger talking and would never cheat. But i started becoming more and more jealous, as I never went out but he did. Also, my reactions when we argued started to get worse. I've always been a crybaby, long before I met him, I admit it, and I know it's not ok. But when he started arguing more and more, I just was too tired and too angry, too hurt, too frustrated... so I started crying uncontrollably. And this started to upset him because he said I was no little girl anymore... and asked me to change. I promised I'd stop crying, but it isn't easy. i've been trying to change this for months and sometimes I manage to keep calm, but others I cry and he feels dissapointed.And that's the problem now. The other day he went out with his mates and didn't tell me beforehand, he had told me he had to study, and when I called (because I hadn't heard from him during the day) I heard he was hanging out with guys and I heard a girl. So I started asking what was up, and he didn't answer so I started getting nervous, and eventually he shut off his phone. Then he turned on his phone and everything was fine, everything was fine until a couple of minutes ago.We talked and today he explained that he was with his mates, that he hadn't have means to tell me he wasn't going to study and hang out with them. Then he started going on about how I have to trust him. I said I just feel insecure because he goes out, and I don't know why. And he said it was embarrassing that I called him to "control" him while all his friends were there. I don't know why I don't trust him. Then he said I was becoming a controlling woman, some of those witch-like soon to be wives. He said I was controlling him. then I started crying over the phone and he said I never keep my promises, that he's becoming fed up and sometimes thinks we don't belong together. He had treated me so nicely and in a matter of minutes he became like this! And got angry 'cos I cried. I'm starting therapy tomorrow to deal with my insecurities and problems controlling my emotions, and I told him it wasn't easy to change just like that. He said we should star a break, for some time, to think about this relationship and whether it's healthy to continue.I'm almost certain he'll break up with me. I'm a mess right now. I don't wanna break up! Especially since this friday we were supposed to celebrate our 1 year and 10 months together. I love hi with all my heart and I know I haven't changed like I promised, but it can't happen overnight. However I feel it's all my fault (although he said it wasn't, but that I haven't been working on my part lately). I feel lost. I don't wanna break up. I love him, but I'm sure I've lost him. how can I cope? I hate breaks because I get all my hopes that we'll get back together, and I fear that he'll crush them. What can I do in this situation? I feel all lonely and sad. :(
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male
reader, gmoney  +, writes (28 June 2008):
I odnt think it is all of your fault. What happend on the past was in the past. I dont think that you should have distanced yourself from the friends that you were with. You should always keep things general when you gave him details, they probably replayed in his mind 2 million times. After that it was a wrap because he most likely didnt trust you any more. When he said he should cheat that was probably real. Dont take all the blame if it was truely in your past, that is something that you cant change and if couldnt deal with that, its best that you two break up because youll were just making each other sick.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 June 2008):
 There is one sentence that comes to mind. "What the hell are you doing????" The more you placed blame on yourself, the more I got frustrated with you. You are blaming yourself for his actions. Why? He blames you for not changing. Why do you allow it? Being emotional is okay. Crying is okay. Being told you need to change in the way he's asking. Not okay. This is not your fault.
Let me ask you this. How long have you taken on problems of others as yours? Caring for others and trying to help them with issues? While doing so, you ignore your issues, they begin building, then you start feeling the way you do now.
To tackle, what you see as an issue with being over emotional. You might be a tad. Don't ever completly restrict your emotions. You'd cause much greater issues if you did. Your crying is a fear based response. Your afraid of loss. Your afraid of confrontation. The feeling that maybe you're just not good enough, scares the hell out of you. You fear being alone. But when wrapping this up into your little bundle of joys, you're really afraid of acting or doing which might upset or disagree with someone else.
Some of which you listed, taking self blame for what is not actually your cause, is a way of ignoring the fact that someone else might be behind it. If it's someone elses fault, that might mean you'd have to confront the issue. This is what needs to be stopped.
I know I came off a bit harsh with this answer. I did so to show you, confrontation is not always bad. When you care for someone, such as your boyfriend, parents, friends, co-workers or anyone else. Sometimes what they need to hear is not what they want too hear.
If you keep holding everything in, you'll keep having these uncontollable crying fits. Crying is not negative. But carying a bigger burden than what you can handle is not healthy for your piece of mind.
I hope everything works out for you. Under all this pain you cary, you seem like a nice person. You deserve the best. I challenge you to start seeking it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust, how do you get over someone when everything's your fault? I've clearly messed up, and even though he's been mean to me, I know I'm to blame. So I can't really feel like there's nothing wrong with me because there is. I'm not the victim. So how do I get over this?
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