A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know where to start but Ive lost so much over the past year and the losses still keep coming. I'm 38, two sons (18 and 15) and divorced for a little over a year. My sons are great...my oldest is a freshman in college out of state and my youngest plays several instruments and started high school at age eleven. I have a BA in Psychology and several professional licenses. My ex has a ged. I started dating my ex-husband when I was 16 and we married ten years after that and stayed married for 11 years (lived separately for the last 5). He has recently betrayed me. He is an alcoholic and in the past has done time in jail for multiple DUIs, set two house fires, hit a police car and even peed on the children all while intoxicated. He even had a hit in run with the kids in the car and damaged property and left me to take the fall once the police department found out it was my car (my plate fell off at the scene apparently). He was physically abusive at times and once threw a water bottle and hit me in my lip while at an amusement park. He's kicked me while pregnant and threw an area rug at me the day we moved into our first home which he was not on the deed. He was fired multiple times and this caused the house to go into foreclosure but he ran to his parents house to live while I stayed in the house with mold with the boys. He even moved out of state and left me to take care of the boys on my own in the home he helped me get behind on the payments with.I carried on extramarital affairs. It's no excuse but my mom and aunts did so and I guess at first I didn't see anything wrong with it. I grew up listening to married women tell their stories about their boyfriends while married while other women in the family treated men like mentally incapable imbeciles. Also, I felt justified because my ex would get calls from his friends and leave in a moments notice to hang out regardless of what we were doing as a couple or family. He would come home at 4-6 am and never apologized. He found out about my long term affair with his ex coworker because I had to get a restraining order on the man because he was trying to extort me for sex. My ex never let me live it down and told me I was going to pay for what I did. My ex failed to properly take care of his responsibilities at home but he did take care of things when push came to shove. Also I was sex starved and even in our 20s he slept on the couch at times and wanted to have sex once a week if that. Well I divorced him finally in Aug 2015 mainly because the government took back child support from his bank account; he demanded I give it back to him even though we were living apart. I was afraid so I took a portion of the money and filed for divorce. I ignored all his calls. We just had sex a month before I filed. Even though we lived apart we still dated and acted like a famIly. I guess it was all we both could handle at the time however I wanted more but I just didn't know how to get it. He did not respond to the divorce petition and never showed up to court. He never called to try and save the marriage. The divorce was final August 2015 and I felt on top of the world. It wasn't until May 2016 when my world came crashing down. We had communicated no more than once or twice in over a year but my oldest son had issues with prom so for the first time my ex reached out to me to discuss some details. During this conversation he told me he appreciated how good a mother I was to his sons. He went on to say he was dating someone however she did not please him orally the way I did. He also was bothered that she had three kids, one of them around 6 years old. I was surprised he would even date someone with kids because he would complain about our sons crying when they were young. He asked if I was dating anyone and I told him I had recently ended a short "relationship." Fast forward and he called and would say things like if he wanted to have sex with me he could and he did not want to be around me because it made him want to have sex with me.I thought this meant he missed me and wanted his family back but I steered clear. A few occasions he would drop by while the kids were home to discuss the kids and he would make advances at me that I always refused. I refused to be someone's mistress and be treated with disrespect.If I had known I would have tried to work on salvaging our relationship instead of ignoring him. I let our separation and divorce go on too long that he had moved on. On my son's day of prom we talked and I asked why he never fought for us. He said he had no problem with the kids it was other things. He started getting personal and told me him and his girlfriend already had a pregnancy scare and this concerned me because during the marriage he stressed to me how he did not want any more kids. He would even say if I ended up pregnant during the marriage I would end up at the bottom of the basement stairs "accidentally." While he still had a girlfriend he wouldalso would tell me things like I would always be his and I better not get pregnant by anybody. I had aborted two kids and made sure I took pills and even got an IUD. I told him beware because I felt his girlfriend was trying to get pregnant on purpose. Even though it's both of their responsibility to practice safe sex I feel women can take a more active role in birth control because we have more options...I know I did. I thought by listening to him I was being a friend since we've known each other since 16 but I found out that it wasn't a good idea. I didn't know if he was confiding in me or bragging to me to make me feel bad for hurting him during our relationship. I now felt more than ever I needed to stop what was going on with them. I became consumed with thoughts of her getting pregnant and thinking I would die if this happened. It would mean the end to us. I became so sick I could no longer look at pregnant women in public or babies. I was so disgusted. I sought therapy again. I couldn't eat and lost some weight. Well my son was going to be leaving for college soon and we had a trunk party where my ex contributed cash for food but I ended up owing him some money back so he came over the next day to collect and the boys were not home. It was just us and for some reason he was not as frisky as he had been when the boys were home and he would flirt. Why was he not flirting with me and he had an opportunity to? I had a "friend" suggest a day earlier that I should just sleep with him and get it out my system. Truthfully I didn't want to but I wanted to see if he still wanted me. He acted like he was not happy in his new situation and I wanted to make him happy again. He kept telling me he only liked her but he felt she loved him. Also he said she was pressuring him to move in with her and her kids in the suburbs but he did not want to especially because he didn't want to deal with the drama and all her ex's. I missed the friendship and companionship between us and he said he did too. I began to question why I gave him up in the first place just so someone else could enjoy him. So I took my friend's bad advice. I admit I came on to him this time. We engaged in sexual activity but not intercourse because I didn't have condoms and neither did he however he still tried to have unprotected sex twice but I stopped him. As he was leaving he revealed he was coming with us to drop my son off for college. I asked if he wanted to spend the night the night before since we had to leave at 3 am and he replied no because he did not want to confuse our sons because they knew he had a girlfriend. I was taken aback because we were just intimate however he DID end up spending the night. I asked him to sleep on the couch but later he came barging into my room trying to have unprotected sex with me again. We left out at 2am because I forced him to get condoms and during that night, and for two more days we had sex about four times while we were out of town. It just so happen that the day we were scheduled to leave he started saying what we were doing was wrong as we were engaging in foreplay. I asked if it was because we were divorced and he said no because he had a girlfriend. Well I had been telling him I wanted my family back and I knew where I went wrong. I told him we stupidly threw away over 20 years because of lack of communication. I told him we could try counseling to put things back together. He said I was basing everything on 2-3 days we spent having sex and I told him no it was based on over 20 years. I envisioned us getting remarried and proving everyone wrong and defying the odds. I really figured out I loved this man and figured out how to love him. I had been doing my work on myself and finding out about men and relationships during the time after the divorce and felt I had the formula for success. On the car ride home he told me he made plans that weekend with his girlfriend. Surely I thought he was going to break up with her and come back to me to fix what we had broken. I was wrong. I went through more emotional turmoil. He never came by to spend time with my youngest and I and never even checked on me to see how I was doing with the abscense of our oldest at college. He even called me one day after midnight to say his air was broken and to talk about the kids (he works a late schedule). When I asked him if he wanted to come over he declined and said he had company coming. Why would he bother to call me when he knew he had company? Well I had enough and even my therapist didn't know what to say. I started searching the internet on how to get my ex back. I sent him a clean slate email where I acknowledged the pain I put him through and apologized. I WAS truly sorry. The sex was great now and I did not want to give that up. I felt we should be celebrating our son going to college together...not apart. Well he got the email and called me and said I was an opportunist who only wanted him now that he was doing better in life (which I know is untrue; he still is drinking badly). I was sad because I have been through everything with that man for over 20 years. I stood by him and did everything I could. I talked to an old friend who told me I needed to send another email and be done with the situation. I needed to let him know my emotions got the best of me and we never should have had sex during the trip out of town to drop my son off to college. She also advised me not to speak to him again. When he called to acknowledge that email he started to apologize but I cut him off and got off the phone and was really done. Well two weeks later he called trying to plan another trip out of town to see our son at school. He apologized for the opportunist comment he made during our last call. He said if we left to visit our son we could have family time and this time we could get our own room. I was excited and started picturing myself walking down the aisle as this was all I needed to hear...I thought this meant he finally came to his senses. Well for two days after that he did not call me. I had a bad feeling in my gut. If he really wanted to work on being a family where were the texts or calls saying he was coming over to spend time. Well my gut said why is it he can only spend family time out of town? I sent him a text to bait him saying our youngest was doing so well in school how about a family night here at home? I waited hours for his response and nothing til 1 am. Meanwhile I told my sister about our recent conversation and how I felt this was the real deal and we were going to get back together. Well unbeknownst to me my sister had her suspicions and looked on Facebook to see if she could see what was really going on. When she called me my heart sunk and I knew before she even said a word it wasn't good. Well she said she saw a pic of my ex and his girlfriend and someone said that congratulations were in order. My sister went to his girlfriend's page and saw my ex and his girlfriend are expecting a baby. I was crushed and numb. I've been crying at work again and while driving to and from work again over him not coming back to me. My worst fears came true. My sister said the girlfriend is due in January 2017. I couldn't understand how he could try to plan another family trip knowing this information. I immediately began calling him but he never answered. I called three times...this should have alarmed him because I never call unless it's something extremely serious and an emergency. Finally at 1 am he answered my text about a family day here. I told him I had been calling him and needed to talk and it was important. He called the next morning and said I could come over. I told him about how he wasn't responsible for my emotions the first time we had sex because even I didn't know how I would react however I told him I wanted my family back and he was aware of that. However when I emailed him to clear the air he still tried to plan another trip out of town knowing full well how I felt and that was wrong and where I faulted him especially knowing full well he was playing with my emotions. He said he is confused sometimes and misses us at times but he is afraid of going back to me because he is scared the same things would happen over again. I told him it would be a whole new relationship and I was working on myself. Then I confronted him about his pregnant girlfriend. He admitted he knew when we went out of town the first time. He said he feels like he doesn't have any control because she wanted to have the baby no matter what also because she lost a previous child. He had been telling me he only liked her but she loved him. He downplayed their situation to get what he wanted from me. At most I thought it was a rebound situation and maybe he was trying to make me jealous. He admitted he told her he was going with me to drop our son off to college but told her we were in separate rooms. He's a liar. He said he did not tell he we had sex multiple times the night before, during the trip and twice when we got back. I asked him if he ever told her he loved her..first he said no then he said yes but only because he doesn't know what to say because she tells him she loves him first. His sister told me she thinks the girlfriend is an opportunist. Here I am thinking I had a fighting chance to right my wrongs for all that I did during the marriage and he had really moved on all along. Now I am left with nothing. No man. My oldest son is gone to school. I hate my job. I'm in deep debt...alot from the home that was foreclosed on by him and now he gets to live his life with a new girlfriend (whom he is claiming is causing drama..suooosedly nagging and the same drama I supposedly caused him) and a new baby. The baby I wanted. Had I not forced him to put on a condom during our time out of town I could possibly be pregnant too. Where do I go from here? Its officially over but I still have feelings of wanting to get pregnant by him. He's been claiming he did not want all her drama yet he got her pregnant. When he apologized he admitted he called me an opportunist because he was mad about a different situation and not me. He has harrassed me over child support for years and now she has the winning lottery ticket for the next 18 years. I told him he was stupid for letting a woman from the Internet trap him into getting pregnant and he hasn't even known her a year. I feel the real reason she didn't care if he went out of town with me and his kids is because she was already pregnant and got what she wanted from him...another check from a man for the next 18 years. She is 37/38...and has had four kids already...no doubt she knew what she was doing. I asked when he was going to tell his sons as he talked a good game to my oldest when we dropped him off at college knowing he had a pregnant girlfriend all along. He seems like a hypocrite now buying his son all those condoms but not using them himself. I asked was he still going to be with her and he said yes. I asked why when she disrespected his wishes and got pregnant and he said I disrespected what he wanted for over 20 years and he still stayed with me. I am pissed. I feel betrayed. I feel responsible. I let him slip away and now he's officially gone. I hate myself and the decisions I made. I feel my affairs caused him to drink and caused me my family ultimately. It is so hard to find a man. I have gone on so many first dates I'm tired. I'm lonely. I miss the companionship him and I had. We shared so much good and bad over 20 years. How do I pick up the pieces? I feel he used me. He hurt me. He betrayed me and I hate him! Why couldn't he just stop doing what he was doing? I know I let a lot of this happen but he knew what he was doing too. I told him this won't be the last kids she tries to trap him with. I do care for him as a friend and truthfully I don't want anybody hurting him. I know he's not innocent but she had to have known he is an alcoholic and got pregnant anyway. I hate him but I still love him and feel this is dangerous. The pain is unimaginable. I never saw him as a liar or cheater even though I know he cheated on me once. He always told me I was the only woman he ever loved. How do I move on? Nobody I know has gone through this so its hard. Nobody knows the pain I feel.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2016): First if any of you read this thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking time to read my story. Second thank you for responding. I did not expect those types of responses.
I am doing much better today and I have a therapy appointment scheduled for next week with a new therapist.
I didn't realize how bad things were until those close to me said they were scared for me...again thank you all and I appreciate your taking the time to respond.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2016): Listen, he is playing you and playing you and you are letting him. He knows that when he says certain things to you, you start to salivate, thinking you're getting back together and he makes sure to let you down and stay with his girlfriend BECAUSE HE IS PLAING YOU!!!He has brainwashed and abused you over the years and you don't seem to see this at all.He has manipulated you for years and you're so used to it, you don't see it.He is very abusive towards you and all women because it's what abusive men do....they abuse. No matter who it is. His girlfriend is to be pitied because she is caught up with him too. Can't you hear what he is saying to you? How he is treating you? Telling you what you can or can't do like not getting pregnant. Then going home to have an intimate relationship with his now girlfriend and laughing at you because you actually listen to him and allow him to tell you how you are allowed to live your life???It's making you believe that you are still with him because he has brain washed you for years and he's still doing so.Did you hear him threaten to kill your unborn child if you got pregnant? By pushing you down the stairs?This is ok with you???? You still want to be with this abusive, very nasty creature?You need counselling and you need it ON YOUR OWN. VERY important that it's without him. You need help with seeing how this is so very, very wrong in every way, because you don't see it. He's done such a good job on you for years that you are mentally damaged and right where he wants you. At his feet so he can walk all over you. PLEASE GET HELP.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 October 2016):
 What sickens me about this whole, excessively long, revolting post is not your adultery (or that I actually took the time to read it). It's that after all this you want him back AND you want to have a baby with him.
Your affairs were understandable, and are a tiny blip on a vast landscape of his crater sized faults. A tiny granule of sand on the beach, you could say, and I wouldn't give them another thought.
You've had sufficient time apart in which one would expect you'd have gained some wisdom and perspective. But you appear to have gained NONE. I could understand, at least, if you were still in the thick of it and being young, inexperienced, had minimal outside support, were financially dependent, even fearful of leaving him. I wouldn't advocate you stay, but it would be UNDERSTANDABLE.
You know he is a liar, but you're prepared to believe every unflattering thing he says about this other woman, and the motives he attaches to her. You had no qualms whatsoever about putting HER at risk of 'accidentally' ending up at the bottom of the stairs.
PLENTY of people have gone through what you've been through, and worse, but they, and those who are still trapped, would rather crawl through the bowels of hell than have to suffer his touch. Sex is something they endure until they can get out. You've gotten out but want back IN.
Like the other aunt has suggested, I think some serious counselling is in order. You need more one on one help than any of us can give you in a forum.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (11 October 2016):
 Hun, the only suggestion I can make is that you need to see an Individual Counsellor. You are dealing with a lot of issues which a trained professional will be able to assist you with.
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