A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am in love with my boyfriend who is my first love, boyfriend, and overall first (in everything). However I am not his. This normally wouldn't bother me as much as it does, but his first was so significant to him that I'm not sure what my significance is to him. They dated for 2 years and from what I hear he did everything for her and was so good to her. Their relationship ended when she went to college and cheated on him. What bothers me so much is that he literally couldn't see a life without her and tried to kill himself after this happened. This is mostly what I know of what happened because he isn't even comfortable saying her name. I've tried to ask him more about her and their relationship out of curiosity because I myself have never been in one before him, but he never wants to talk about it and asks why I need to know. When I met him he was super cool and fun, but I soon found he was actually still depressed and just trudging through life still a year or two after this incident. Since I've been with him he has changed dramatically and all of his friends tell me what life I've brought back to him, but I'm afraid he's still not happy and would still be with her had she not cheated on him. I know that he is in love with me, but I am afraid that he will never love me with the amount of love and life he had for her. This bothers me so much because I am the age he was when he had that relationship (3 years younger) and I am full of life and adventure and love it when he is the same, but he isn't always as full of life and adventure as it sounds he was then and I feel cheated out of his good side and am left to deal with his depression and insecurities. I love him and I want him to feel confident in himself and his capabilities but not at the cost of my own happiness. I also have issues coping with his past and feeling secure about my position in his life compared to his ex. Also it's really hard to get him to open up which makes me feel less connected on a deeper level since I am very open. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated.
View related questions:
depressed, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 January 2017):
 You sound very insecure, it seems you are looking for a problem here, if you know he loves you then what is the problem? People have exs you need to get used to that. That is life. Are you sure you are ready for a relationship because it sounds like you might not be, off course he doesn't want to talk about his ex to you, why would he. That would be strange. Yes he did love her, yes he probably would still be with her if she did not cheat that is things you need to deal with and if you can't then you may not be in the right relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2017): Sounds like he may have some unresolved issues, that are mostly adding to his depression. I think you should encourage him to go to therapy/counseling to see if he can get thru the depressive state he is in. Also it does not sound good that a breakup led to him being suicidal. He will definitely need some help to work thru that, and help him to have a healthy perspective on his relationships in the future.
You could offer to go too, and it may be helpful to you to work thru some of the insecurities you have. a therapist can give you help in re-directing your line of thought when you start doing comparisons in your head & making yourself insecure. Stop asking about his previous relationship, it is irrelevant to your situation now.
Don't feel like you have to compare yourself to his ex. You are a different person & he knows that too. I doubt he is comparing you to her, and he most likely does love you just as much as he loved her in the past. You seem to have some different communication styles though, and a counselor might help you to find common ground to communicate with each other better.
I hope some of this helps. Best of luck to you both.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (13 January 2017):
 If this is how you feel then you need to tell him.
You can't just go with the flow hoping things will improve because they probably won't. Just tell him exactly what you've just told us, give him chance to open up. If he doesn't want to then you need to seriously consider whether you can see a future for your relationship.
...............................
|
