A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I (25 years old) have recently started going out with a 26 year old guy. He is a gentleman, treats me well, but I've noticed one red flag (or at least, I think it is a red flag) about him. He constantly mentions how good looking he is. At first, I didn't think anything of it because on a day to day basis, he will tell me I'm beautiful and gorgeous and shower me with compliments. However, he will also say things like he's the hottest guy I've been with and will mention that my exes are all ugly compared to his exes (which is an unnecessary comment). Some days he will say I'm "too beautiful" for him which leads me to think he has some type of insecurity issue? He will say things like "I don't abuse my looks to get attention" or "when I have short hair I get too much attention from other women, and I don't like it." He is a "martial artist" and claims that karate instills a lot of confidence in people, which I believe. I've gently brought it up before that it's excessive and he says that he's just "blunt" when it comes to things like that. But these conversations about looks are happening constantly, always brought up by him, about him. He will comment on other women looking like "fat whales" and things like that, just comments that are really mean and uncomfortable. When we are together in the bathroom, he will stare at the mirror with his shirt off and be like, "I'm so sexy." I'm not a narcissistic person whatsoever so I just get irritated by it. This could be a problem with me too, perhaps I am too sensitive and lack confidence in myself? I don't know what to make of it and after 5 months, I'm wondering if it'll become a problem where he thinks he's too good looking to be with me or something (which I sometimes wonder about). Yes, he is good looking, but to me, good looks aren't always everything, I fell for him because of his personality. But now this strange habit of his is shining through :( I should probably mention that he has never once brought ME down personally. But his constant need to talk about how good looking he is ... I don't know if he wants to be good looking for me or for other women, even though he says he's "all mine." Other than that, he has always been respectful towards me, I've met his family, he always includes me in everything. If I were to find any irritating flaw of his, this would probably be one of the very few. He's full of tattoos and of course, that draws a lot of attention, I'm sure. But what he says is true, he doesn't dress to attract attention, doesn't let his hair down, is always with me, etc. I need someone else's perspective before I drive myself nuts! If I should just get over it and it's normal, please don't be afraid to tell me. Thank you in advance!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): I think all of your gut instincts are right. He is overly superficial in general, placing way too much importance on looks, which has become an obsession, even to the point of judging others on looks alone and name calling (fat whales).I agree with you and think that there is also an insecurity issue where he is looking for your constant affirmation that he really IS that good looking. He wants you to constantly stroke and appease his large but fragile ego and LOVES the thought of you being a really good-looking couple. I would be HIGHLY uncomfortable with someone who places that much importance on looks. It is like he is valuing himself and others purely on that superficial basis. I would wonder- well what if I gain a bit of weight, or get wrinkles when I'm older, or choose not to wear the most fashionable clothes, then what? Obviously it is your decision, but for me this would probably be a deal-breaker. Our society already obsesses about looks enough. I love it that my boyfriend, while he tells me I'm beautiful, really doesn't put that much value on people's appearance and never comments on the appearance of others or his own. All men are a LITTLE bit vain but I would find that excessive and it would bug me to the point of leaving. You seem like too perceptive and deep a thinker to be with someone this superficial.
A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (13 January 2017):
 He showers you with compliments and treats you well, but I think hes super insecure inside and boasts about his looks to see if you will compliment him. Hes seeking your approval-- he wants you to agree and stroke his ego. It sounds like hes doing ALL this in front of you to garner some attention and approval. If you love him, give it to him but do it wise and with ease and as a girlfriend, state that you think hes handsome physically but his personality means much more to you.
But Id be worried about how he views people. Any man who calls other female fat whales or discriminate against others, Id run. Its a sign of mental warp/abuse/ and elitism. Good luck
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 January 2017):
 Honestly... This is a red flag. And I am not sure Id continue to date/be in a relationship with a guy who dares to say all my exes are ugly and compare them to his own exes as if it was some beauty competition. He sounds incredibly shallow, and these endless comments would annoy the heck out of me. Honestly, I'd probably start biting him off by replying "Hmm, I've seen better" whenever he starts a rant about how sexy he is. And then just shrug and say "Well, Im not trying to hurt you, just being honest".
That's the exact same crap that he's pulling. He's not "being blunt" or honest, he's being full of himself. And I find such people really unattractive.
But on the other hand, people are a package deal. If this is his ONLY bad quality, and if you're a bit shallow and superficial yourself, then perhaps it doesn't bother you as much as it would bother me. Not meaning to say Im not superficial, we ALL ARE, but to different degrees. It's like with sexual compatibility. We are al sexual beings, but some have a higher drive than others, and that's okay. Doesn't mean anyone is in the wrong, but it means you need to find a person who is on the same level as you. If he's too superficial for you, then this will mean a relationship will not work long term. Just like it would not work when there's a big difference in sexual needs, or a big difference in spending habits (one trying to save money while the other splurges). You need to be on the same page about these core issues. If you're not, then a relationship will not work long term.
If you already find it annoying that he is so obsessed with himself, after just 5 months, then I say it'd better to end things and let him find a woman who is equally obsessed with her own looks and equally interested in being "blunt" about it.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (13 January 2017):
 I think this is a situation in which your strength lies in how YOU choose to react to his behaviour. You can CHOOSE to be irritated by it or worried by it (insert any other emotion/reaction you might feel here), but you can also CHOOSE to roll your eyes and laugh it off. For instance, when he stands in front of the mirror, admiring himself and saying how gorgeous he is, I would laugh and say "Yes, Brad. You are a total sex monster. I am soooooooooooooo lucky." I really don't think he means anything bad by what he says (apart from calling people names because they are not - in his eyes - as gorgeous as him). I have heard many men do this sort of thing (a couple of my current work colleagues do it) and it is just a way of bigging themselves up. If he treats you well (which it appears he does), and if you trust him not to be messing around with other women behind your back (which it appears you do), then I would just laugh off his comments about how gorgeous he is.Somewhere along the way, he has got the message that being good looking is the most important thing, even though it is something which, at the basest level, is out of our control and given to us by nature. Perhaps he was not a high achiever at school and his parents said something to him like "at least you are the best looking kid in class" to make him feel better? Perhaps next time you are being lovey-dovey, you could compliment him by saying something like "My favourite thing about you is the way you do this or that for me" or "I love how passionate you are about your training" or ANYTHING which is NOT about looks. In this way he may learn to value himself as a whole person, not just for how he looks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2017): He's young, immature, and conceited. He has gotten a lot of attention and it has gone to his head. Insecure? No, he's too narcissistic for that. In fact, it's quite common-place these days.
He's a victim of the media. He's been spoiled by all the attention, and he knows beauty and good looks are held in the highest esteem by society, and in just about every industry. He reminds you how pretty he is, because you don't say it enough. You're just the other half of what he considers a power-couple, and looks mean far too much to him.
I'd say he's the wrong guy for you; if all this makes you uncomfortable, and it should. I guarantee he will not take rejection well, but he needs it. Not to destroy him, but to bring him down a few pegs; and to let him know he's not god's gift. His vanity will catch-up with him. All his life his parents have told him how special and handsome he is. It is one of the things that is ruining children in our society. They feel entitled and arrogant. You're weak if you're humble and lay-back.
Don't be gentle about telling him how his behavior makes you feel. Be direct! He's had too much coddling.
Seriously consider if you want to continue dating this guy. Other women will think you're crazy if he is as hot as he thinks he is; but don't let him convince you that it's your loss. You'd be dodging a bullet. Notice he has a lot of exes!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2017): This kid has a lot of growing up to do and a lot to learn about life.
He is pretty immature if you ask me.
I suspect his insecurity is going to grow old for you after awhile. It's only been 5 months and you are already raising the issue.
This is a character flaw. I am not sure he is going to change. You have to decide if you can live with this or not. If not, it is best to bail now rather than 5 years down the road when you cannot stand the guy!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 January 2017):
 I think he is fluffing himself up because he IS a little insecure. He wants CONSTANT feedback from you, thus he does it in front of you hoping that you will agree and "swoon" over his good looks. HE is trying to build himself up, BUT at the expense of others. NOT a good trait.
A woman's magazine ( I can't remember which ones) mentioned that guy who is VERY into themselves and their looks actually have a LOT lower success rate with women IF they date online because most women aren't keen on boastful men.
I think there are OTHER red flags with your BF. The fact that he is SO busy judging other (calling someone a fat whale), (saying that YOUR exes were uglier than HIS exes - seriously I would have had a WTF moment right then and there, but ....) - THAT is how it starts. He will say CRAP like that to GAUGE your reaction. And for now, since you still want a relationship with him and you like him, you probably have let those things fly. At some point, I wouldn't be surprised if YOU start being the target or people you know.
Just like how he POINTS out how women are "throwing" themselves at him... it's a NOT SO subtle hint that you are SO lucky he is dating you, but that you are EASILY replaceable.
So while I do see his behavior as red flags, it might also JUST be that he is a tad immature. Or that his mom (that is usually where this starts) have been trying to build his self-confidence by constantly praising him for his LOOKS, more than his academic skills or creative skills or athletic abilities.
I did Judo, and it didn't give me self-confidence to the point where I was running around calling other people fat whales or myself super gorgeous. That is the LAMEST excuse I have ever heard. I gave the self-confidence to not be scared walking him 1.5 miles through a wooded area at 5 am alone. Knowing that I would be able to toss someone over my shoulder, defend myself and/or GTFO of there.
Do you compliment him WITHOUT having been "prompted" to do so? Or does he constantly fish for you to compliment him?
I'd be mildly annoyed if I had a partner like this. I'm ALL for being self-confident, having a positive body image - but this? It's would b over the top for me.
Makes me wonder.... was he a fat kid? Have you seen any childhood pictures of him? Because THAT could be another reason. If he was a chubby kid who got PICKED on - basically an "ugly duckling" who turned into a swan kind of thing. That could explain it as well and then it's DEFINITELY lack of self-confidence.
Have you tried a "YES you are gorgeous but it's really your personality I fell for. " "You don't have to point out to me on a daily basis that you are good looking, I know."
Or break out in song... You are too sexy for your shirt... You know the song...
Or BEAT him to it. Give him compliments before he starts giving them to himself see how that works.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 January 2017):
 Ahh, there are two issues at play here. I don't think I've ever met a guy with this as pronounced as what you've been describing, but if I ever started dating a guy like this (which I didn't really, as these guys show off this stuff before dating) and he started talking and preening in this fashion, it would tell me that I had him right where I want him.
This guy has a self-esteem in the toilet, but rather than the kind of guy who needs validation from you our outside forces, he tries to hide it by overcompensating. I would LOVE to know how he was raised, because that would show some insight, and furthermore, I'd be studying his body language, which would betray the truth his words were trying so hard to hide.
He's trying to CONVINCE you that he is "all that", and he believes that the more he says it, the more you will believe it. Moreover, he's trying to compare himself to your exes, which is *the* tell here. A man truly confident with his worth has zero need to compare himself to your exes.
The second thing he's trying to do is not so innocent. It's not just other people who threaten him. It's YOU. He feels that you are out of his league, and that you will one day leave him, so his mean comments about others is his way of trying to keep the control in the relationship, which he doesn't really have. He knows if he puts YOU down directly, you might just drop him like a bad habit, so he's deflecting to women he believes are more flawed, putting them down to build himself up. That is NOT cool. I would call him to the carpet for being unkind.
It's interesting that he describes Karate as a "confidence-instiller". I am always interested in what people say WHY they study a martial art, because many times, it says a lot about who they are. For example, I studied Tae Kwon Do for quite a long time, and people who ask me why get the answer that I was looking for it to instill discipline and balance of mind and body. I already had the confidence before I started taking it. I also know that for the most part (unless you're Steven Seagal and want a persona, many serious martial artists aren't boastful about their skills or that ability to attract women based on it. Many are very soft-spoken regarding their skills when not in the specific environment that promotes testing and training abilities. One exception is the friendly rivalry you see among different martial arts (Aikido, Kung Fu, TKD, Judo, etc).
Anyways, lest I get distracted, He's trying to impress you. He's hoping you DO wonder whether or not he tries to look good for other women. What he wants you to believe is that you deserve him more than he deserves you, when in reality, he's terrified that you'll see through him, which is why he qualifies his preening with the "I'm all yours" comments, because he's trying to ride the line between keeping the wool over your eyes and pissing you off so much that you'll ditch him, which is his ultimate fear.
In a weird sort of way, you being by his side is the ultimate feather in his cap. You're the knockout on his arm, the one where when he's scanning the room and has to PRETEND to you that he's checking out other women?? Psst...HE ISN'T! He's scanning the room for other guys who will be threats to him. He's comparing himself to them and convincing himself that you don't think any of them are as good looking as he is. He doesn't believe that for an instant.
His behavior is that he believes you are so far out of his league that when he's done with the convincing you and himself, he doesn't know how he got so lucky.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2017): No I don't think it's normal. He has already started to worry you about whether or not you're good looking enough for him. I think it sounds as if he is on course for trying to destroy your confidence and self esteem. Give him time, he'll do this to you slowly is my guess. He sounds very much like an abusive ex of mine. Made me feel a million dollars, was always with me, totally faithful, told me how gorgeous I was, that he loved me etc etc. But slowly, it started to change. It was very difficult to pinpoint the change because he never stopped telling me how much he loved me and he was still always with me, but then he started to look at other women and I ended up, after years of insidious remarks, coupled with love which is very confusing and meant to be, losing my confidence. He was always ready to tell me how popular he was with women, (which was true), how handsome he was etc. Your boyfriend HAS already put you down by saying that all your exes are ugly compared to his. A very clever comment because it's not about you, but is meant to register as a reflection of you. You noted it and it has logged in your brain, even though you say he hasn't put you down. And.....you're on here, wondering if his behaviour is normal. If I were you I would be on the look out for other strange behaviour that you can't make out. And don't get too tied up with him, until he's had time to show you his true colours. I think he has an agenda with this talk. It's constant and it's meant to get to you. And it is. He is also putting other women down in front of you. This is another red flag. It shows a lot of disrespect towards women and you should note this. You said it makes you uncomfortable and I'm not surprised. Does it make you feel slightly less as a person when he does it, even though it's not about you? I honestly don't think that this guy is good news. Just reading your post brings back these feelings of being with my abusive ex. At first he didn't say anything that you could pinpoint, just stuff that made me uncomfortable and think......'that's not right'. If he behaved like this in front of your friends, would you be embarrassed?If there's anything else he does that you're not sure about, please come back and post again.
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (12 January 2017):
 This sounds bizarre. I don't think I have met anyone as vain as you describe. I think I would just have to take the piss out of him. What's more I would encourage all my friends to take the piss out of him too. I would rag him rotten until he either stopped bigging himself up or left. Either would be a result.
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