A
female
age
36-40,
*lovegreen
writes:I have been dating a guy for over 3 1/2 years. I love him so much, but there are quite a few things that I'm not ok with. I need to know if I should just ignore his "flaws" and be ok with them because it's normal, or should I move on because he's not worth it?OK...so I'll just make a list:1. His mom does his laundry (bc she insists)2. He plays video games all the time, insists that it counts as our "quality time" together, and pretty much is a hermit all day bc he never wants to go anywhere3. He never thinks we should discuss small problems4. He says that I nag and complain too much about problems we have (but that's bc he never thinks the problems I bring up are big enough to discuss)5. His mom fixes food for him for a whole week and leaves it in individual containers or in plastic wrap (so he's not very self-sufficient)6. He hangs out with his immature friends who talk bad about their girlfriends and encourage his immaturity7. Never discusses our future-marriage8. Says he's not "ready" to get married, but can't say why9. Is moving up to Boston, but didn't propose, expected me to just follow him up there as his gf10. Won't talk to his parents about me, thinks they love me, but I think they see me as a distraction (my parents absolutely adore him and they hug him and tell him they love him all the time)11. Says I'm too sensitive (I think he's too insensitive)12. Does not show any emotion 13. You guessed it--no romance!14. Says he doesn't masturbate or watch porn, but he's hardly ever horny15. Spends a lot more time with his musical instrument than with me (claiming he needs to focus on his career)16. Makes me feel like crap if I ever want to talk about our problems, so I feel like I have to keep them bottled up all the time17. Hates that I don't know how to manage my stress, but he won't help me find ways to deal with it and he ends up making more stress 18. When he was drunk, and i was on the phone with him, he asked his mom and step-dad "is she 'in' with our family?" and he thought that i shouldn't have gotten mad bc it's such a little thing and no one even cared.(how embarrassing right?) 19. Won't ever take off his shirt in front of me bc he is ashamed of his chest20. Says immature and perverted comments and does immature and perverted gestures to me in front of his friends.That seems like enough for now. Please help! I need some advice!!!
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drunk, horny, immature, move on, porn, video games Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ilovegreen +, writes (15 June 2008):
ilovegreen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBy the way, I missed one important fact--he is 23 years old. I am about 7 weeks older than he is.
Thank you for your answers! It's hard to accept what some of you are saying, but I know I might need to someday. Thank you for your suggestions.
A
female
reader, littlesuziepie +, writes (15 June 2008):
 There is nothing hotter than a man that can do for him self. It makes us feel more secure to know that the man we are going to spend the rest of our lives with can keep things going when we can't.
I would contemplate this relationship. He may not be ready now but might later on.
A good test would be to say to him.
In a nice way...hey let's play a game. Let's write down all the things that we want in a partner. Let's exchange it and see if we can fulfill these lists.
Maybe you can add some of these to your list.
1. Can cook a great meal for two.
This includes setting a nice table. Plannin the meal and cooking it.
2. Can plan a special day or night out. One that we will both remember. One that will show me how truly you love me. I will do the same for you.
3. Can sit and talk to me for one hour about one topic I choose about our relationship and totally listen to me and give your best effor to make it better. No fighting.
You will think of more.
As an alternative to the game. You guys can agree to write a love letter to each other. From the heart if he is worried about someone reading it then agree to burn the letters as a symbol of your lasting love.
This will provoke him to think hard...be romantic...and give you insite on his maturity Level and love for you.
If he won't participate in either one then you know its time to leave him for good and find a new man.
Either way be happy. If your not happy then go. You only live once honey. Don't live it unhappy. Don't accept anything less and take it from me please you can never change anyone. Ever! I'm telling the truth. I tried twice. Wasted a lot of time and effort... tears and years. Be smart
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A
female
reader, jenfurr  +, writes (14 June 2008):
Wow, I have to say that its quite a list of cons you have written there. I just want to ask whether or not you can make a pro list that's good enough for you to stay with him. 3 and a half years is a long time to be with someone so what is it that attracted you to this guy in the first place and what made you stay? There has to be something.
In my opinion, if you really think this guy is worth it, you need to explain to him that his immature behaviour is (politely) unnacceptable. If he isn't willing to grow up for you then I think you need to re evaluate your relationship. Be sensible though and don't be too hasty. Good luck !!
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A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (14 June 2008):
 He does sound rather immature for his age but his mum is enabling him to remain that way. I'm sure she doesn't realize that she is harming him more than helping.
As for what to do it is pretty much up to you. I really don't see him changing any. Why should he? He has an easy life with everything done for him.
Ask yourself if he remained exactly as he is right now 10 years from now, would you still want to be with him?
Best wishes
xo
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (14 June 2008):
It says you are 22 to 25. I assume he is he same but am a bit confused because you seem to be describing him as an 18 year old.
From what you've told me, the guy is an immature idiot - but then hey! Why on earth shouldn't he be? He has no reason to grow up, because his mummy does everything for him, he has no reason to put effort in with you because you're his girl and you will just carry on taking it.
If you got married and all the food parcels and washing done by his mum stopped, do you honestly think he would start doing it himself, or would he just starve / be filthy until you got sick of it and started doing it all for him?
I can't tell you whether to leave or not as that is a huge decision for some stranger off the internet to make for you.... But I will tell you that he is never going to change if you stay with him. He is never going to suddenly wake up and start respecting you. If you want a real and balanced relationship with a grown up man, then I suggest you look elsewhere.
Good Luck!! xx
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