A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it right to stay with someone who you love very much as a person, but the sexual spark isn't there? I love him and want him to be happy. I know my being with him makes him happy, but he is happy with me just being there. I want so much more, like excitement, travel, adventurous sex, festivals and fun. He wants to stay in playing video games with online friends 24/7 and have sex once a fortnight. But we get on so well. I love him with every fibre of my being and can't bear the thought of us ending because I've never been so happy as I've been with him.Why are relationships so difficult?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey. Thanks for the advice.
Ok we have spoken about this, but not really come to any conclusions. It makes him unhappy when I don't orgasm, and me, really, but it takes me a lot longer to have one and I can only have one throught him fingering me quite forcefully.
I didn't clarify, sorry. I hadn't had an orgasm with a guy untill a few months ago with him. He was quite pleased, but its not like he wants to frequently try again, or maybe its like he is unsure or unconfident doing it, even though he has done it a few times, a few months ago.
I feel upset when we do have sex and he doesn't try to give me an orgasm first because he comes really quickly and I'm just getting into it. But I am afraid of asking him for what I want because when I have said "can you finger me" or whatever, he says I'm acting demanding.
We have used vibrators before, that was fun. But I can only orgasm one way and it does take quite a lot of time and hard work. Also I can't just be 'given' an orgasm. I have to work at it myself, by tensing my pelvic floor muscles, I can't just lye there if you know what I mean? So I kind of feel like there is something wrong with me. Like it shouldn't be this hard. We have spoken about this a bit. He has said that he has enjoyed sex more, and wanted to have more sex with women who orgasm easily.
I just can't do it easily. So maybe we are mismatched in the bedroom. It just breaks my heart...
The funny thing is, when he first gave me an orgasm, it was after I'd got upset. We were talking and he said how he used to give his ex wife multiple orgasms. I got upset and after a while he persuaded me to tell him why. Which was because I wanted to have an orgasm with him. I was upset I hadn't when he'd given his wife multiples. So that night he did it! It was like he did it with me. He waited and I kind of figured out I had to do it as well and it worked.
I know he's impatient so this is probably why. It just breaks my heart because he was so into me at the start and I feel I've messed it up. I believe I've given him the impression that I don't think he's good in bed and so he thought to himself, "well I might as well stop trying". And now he'd rather masturbate than have sex with me.
OMG how can sooo many issues come out of one short relationship! We've only been together 22 months!
Sorry for waffling!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Are you sure the sex has slowed down because he feels inadequate? Have you discussed this with him? I feel that in a relationship, when something is wrong, the one partner has the right to bring it up for calm discussion. And that the other person do not have the right to dismiss it and get angry because it is being brought up. So perhaps sit him down and have a solid talk about your sex life. Ask him if it is because he can't give you an orgasm. Tell him that you want to continue exploring your sex life with him, and that you aren't ready to go into routine with sex. You want new and exciting things, tryin out things, maybe even be spontaneous?`
If it is the orgasm that is putting him off, well to many guys that is a big deal. Don't bother trying to reason it out, it's just the way it is. I've never seen my boyfriend more proud than the day he could bring me to an orgasm. He had the same look on his face as I can imagine he'd get if he won a car. And you definitely shouldn't settle for "no one can make me orgasm". Have you really tried everything? You are still young, my age, and I only recently started figuring out how I can have orgasms with my boyfriend. I never had an orgasm during sex with a guy before!
I believe you can do it. Can you orgasm on your own when masturbating/with a toy? Then you know you have the ability to orgasm and shouldn't give up on it. If you need more help and tips on how to reach an orgasm there have been many questions and answer here on dearcupid about that.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ive-never-had-an-orgasm-even-though-ive.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-cant-i-ever-orgasm-.html
There's many others if you are interested. My best tip to you though is that if you can orgasm with a vibrator, bring the vibrator to bed with you. You can use it to reach climax and then have your boyfriend go down on you to get you over the top. Or you can use it while he is inside you so that both of you can come together. Practise makes perfect.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi.Thanks for your answers.I hear what you said about doing things together and in the summer we've planned to start going for a walk together every day. Hopefully that'll bring us closer and get him off the games.As for asking him for more sex, I have tried this but it is met with anger if I mention sex when he's in a bad mood, tired, or not in the mood.I guess I am bothered because we used to have a really good sex life at the start. We did have that sexual spark and then, because I couldn't orgasm with him, never have with any guy, he sort of 'gave up', as if the point of sex was missing if he couldn't make me orgasm. He wanted it less and less and then said he felt he was dissappointing me, which I never felt! I was just happy making love to him and as I'd never orgasmed through sex it didnt feel like I was missing anything.So for a while the sex has been quite sparse and not like it used to be at the start anyway. It just feels to me like something is broken, and it feels like it's my fault. I just dont know what to do to improve things and I don't want us to lose our desire for each other because that's when relationships can die. I just love him so much.But I like what you said about it getting better again. I love him so I will wait and see what happens and try not to take it so personally. I heaqr that sex lives and drives change over time. I just feel like theres so much I wanna do and try and things are slowing down and I dont want them to, but there you go...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): you know? I had to recheck my eyes when I saw this. I could have SWORN I wrote this!! But obviously, I didn't.
My bf isn't a 24/7 gamer but he does like his games and I get 'ignored' sometimes.
I talked to him and he's better. So I know they listen. I was also told the best way to get a guy off the games is to sex him up. Hey, my bf said he wouldn't mind that at all but so far, I haven't had to do that.
For me, though, is I prefer someone I get along with great and love as a person. Why? I had the best sex of my life lover already and he was the biggest a hole as a person. No thank you. Lived and learned.
I still don't have sparkles and parades going off in my head when we kiss or have sex or anything but it's fine. I would rather have a great person.
Honestly if you could have one or the other, which would you choose? And my friend DID say she was like this with her now husband. She said it took time but the sparks did come. I'm on the waiting boat on that one but I am not worried. I'm happy with my guy as a person and that's all that matters. :)
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reader, Problem.helper  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 he's addict to games and that's all that matters to him. Tell him that he need to change that and start being more romantic. You need to start doing something or leave him. The relationship works perfect for him because he got sex on regular bases and got him games and you.
Please talk to him and tell him how you feel.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 You are in a relationship with an online games addict. His world is just online games and it will take away all his energies and left none for you .
You need to weave him off from his online games.There are many things that you can do together .
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female
reader, Luckie128 +, writes (19 April 2010):
there needs to be a sexual spark or else you will cheat on him in the long run.
I know its difficult to be with someone who has the different interests than you, but that's what makes it unique sometimes.
anyways maybe the sexual spark will come over time?
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female
reader, empop +, writes (19 April 2010):
Break up.
If you break up nicely now, perhaps 6 months down the line you guys can be friends again, which is all you basically are now anyway. One of my best friends now is my ex from about 5 years ago, so it can happen if you're both mature about it.
However, if you wait your resentment will build and it will be a messy breakup and the chances of you being friends will decrease.
Your only options are breakup sometime, or be with this guy for the rest of your life. It sounds like you don't want to be with him forever - so it's just a question of when you break up. Sooner is better.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 April 2010):
He's not giving you what you want. Have you told him what you want and asked him to go to festivals with you? In a relationship it is actually good for one partner to be more quiet and the other outgoing. It balances the relationship, so that you have some days that are calm and quiet, and some days with excitement. If you want more sex are you so sure he would complain? Initiate it more often and see what he responds with. A good friendship is the best basis for a good relationship. And trust me, it is a lot better to have a good friendship in a relationship, than just great sex. Just great sex doesnt make a relationship, it makes good lovers who don't necessary care for each other. So be careful what you wish for. Have you been together for a long time? If you've been together for long and the sex was great in the beginning, I am sure you can bring it back to life. If the sex has been like this from the beginning and you're a few years into the relationship, I dont think there's much hope for it changing.
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