A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He's 23, I'm 25. I'm the first girlfriend he's ever had, he's my fourth relationship. Everything with us is pretty much perfect. I've never had a relationship this comfortable before. It seems like he was lucky enough to get it right first time around. We've had some deep talks lately about our values in life, and they really line up well. Everything is so perfect I'm almost suspicious of it... Surely no relationship can actually be this good? It's like I'm waiting for the huge flaw to reveal itself to ruin everything.Yesterday he mentioned something about how 3 years feels like it's been so long, so how crazy will 30 years feel? And somehow I just found that impossible to picture. The concept of being with someone that long is inconceivable to me. So many people get divorced, and they must all believe they'll be together forever when they get married - otherwise they wouldn't do it. I feel like I don't want to be a chump who believes in a romantic "happily ever after" fairy tale that doesn't come true... But this cynicism means I can't truly believe in a long-term future either.We've talked about getting engaged in the next couple of years, but deep down I'm worried our marriage would be doomed just because so many are. I would feel a hypocrite saying "until death do us part", because how do I know that will be true? What makes us so special? My mother's marriage to my dad was her second marriage, and until she passed away they were the happiest couple I've ever known. So part of me feels like if we get married it won't last 30 years, because we met so young, and we'll both end up even happier with someone else later in life anyway.I've tried talking to him about these fears, and he reassured me that the divorce rate in Ireland is very low. But I wonder if that's just because it's still a very traditional country, and maybe couples are not actually happy. I feel like everyone would be upset and disappointed in us if we got married and then divorced, especially his mother who is very religious.How can I stop overthinking this? I know I love him and want to stay with him, so why can't I let go of these fears that believing in marriage would make me foolish? I've always been terrified of looking stupid, above pretty much everything else...and I'm afraid of seeming stupid and being pitied if I marry him and it doesn't work out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2018): I'm not sure any more if I'm meant to talk about this with him and not "string him along", or if that will be "constantly putting this burden of worry" and make him break up with me (as N91 said). Usually we talk about all our worries, and I have discussed this with him a little, as I said. However it's hard to really explain something I don't quite understand yet myself.
I am aware that kids are a lifetime commitment. Who on earth believes otherwise..? I take the idea of motherhood very seriously. You kids will always be your kids. You don't divorce your children, even if you can divorce your spouse. I've always wanted to have a family. And I do worry that as cancer is common in my family, I might not live to be old, so I ideally want to start a family within the next 5 years or so. My mother was 39 when she had me and she died when I was 11, so...that didn't turn out so well.
I think the main thing that's bothering me is that I feel like maybe I don't believe in those vows. They feel more like "until we decide otherwise" than "until death do us part", because even if that's not what people admit or say, if they end up divorcing then...that's what they meant. And I kind of wish I could say vows more appropriate to how I feel. Something like "I promise to be steadfast and give this my best shot, 100%" without outright promising a "forever". Because I'm happy to commit, but I'm aware there is always a way out if it just doesn't work for whatever reason. And I don't think that's a bad thing. We don't know what the future holds, so I feel like I'm just being realistic.
I'm not sure I'm any closer to forming a concrete opinion on this, but it certainly is an interesting discussion. Thanks for that.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 December 2018):
Children are, regardless of popular belief, a LIFETIME commitment, same as marriage (for some), religion (for some).
There will be good times, and not so good times. That's a fact, that is reality. That is life.
Sure, it's not easy to say I will be with this one person "forever" because you can not know that for sure. BUT you should set out with that as one of your goals. That you WANT to be with this person for the foreseeable future.
Happiness is something we ALL have to find within, not only RELY on another person to "give" that to us. That isn't sustainable. You can of course SHARE happiness with someone. When you hear people say that they divorced because they simply weren't happy anymore, it's more likely that they STOPPED relying on themselves for their happiness and expected the partner to fully fill that up. Which no one really can 100%.
Maybe, you just aren't ready to make this commitment and that is OK. Just don't string your guy along without expressing how you feel.
Having some doubts its OK. The idea of marriage shouldn't be taken lightly. But if you are more concerned what OTHERS might think if it fails... then you aren't ready. Your marriage is about YOU and your spouse and the road ahead. While having support from family and loved ones make a huge difference, THEY are not IN the marriage. YOU two have to be the ones to make it work.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 December 2018):
 Your mother had been on both sides of this. Her first marriage didn't last long but her second one was "till death do us part." She was neither foolish for her failed first marriage nor was she a chump for believing in a second marriage. If she cared about what other people had said she would not have divorced then married your dad and be happy for the rest of her life. It takes a lot of courage to believe in love, even more so a second time around. Your mother wants you to be happy, whether your marriage lasts forever or not. She is in your heart to guide you all your life. Listen to that voice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2018): I actually said I DON'T believe in happily ever after. At all. I don't want to, because I think it's foolish, but then that means I also don't feel like I can believe in "forever", and everyone else seems to. The whole thing feels phony to me somehow. None of us are fortune tellers, but when we get married we're basically predicting the future: that we can be with this person forever. I feel a bit crazy for not being on board with that.Your story about your marriage is great for you, but the thought of being unhappy for 7 years kinda makes me want to jump in the sea... That's almost a third of my lifetime right now. It sounds awful. I am also wary of the idea of staying together "for the kids", because I have friends who grew up with parents who didn't get along and stayed together for the sake of the family, and they found it really damaging. I want to create a good environment to raise kids in.Having kids was one of the things I discussed with my boyfriend recently. I used to be an au pair and saw clashes between parents when they had vastly different parenting techniques - I think we're on the same page with the important matters, thankfully. What worries me is the thought of settling and having kids with someone and then splitting up, and that's what I'm trying to avoid here. And I don't know how I can ever be sure I'm choosing the right person if I don't even really believe people can stay together. It leaves me with NO right option...If stubbornness helps to keep marriages going then perhaps there's hope for me. When I became an au pair in Germany, someone told me I wouldn't last 2 months, so I did it for 3 years. If someone tells me I can't do something, I want to prove them wrong. I'm stubborn through and through. But I also don't back down very easily. So what if I am someone who "always demands justice" - should I just never marry? My boyfriend doesn't seem bothered by me?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 December 2018):
Amen to Code-Warrior.
Happily ever after doesn't exist. Not that you can't HAVE a happy marriage for 45+ years, but it TAKES work, commitment, trust, and compromises.
I never thought much about marriage, really. But I DID agree with my husband that we take the vows serious. That we BOTH put in the work. We have had ups and down over the past 20 years. I think the reason we have lasted 20 years is because 1. we are both stubborn 2. be took our vows seriously and 3. we know we can make it work.
I know divorce is "ALWAYS" an option. I also know that if you throw in the towel EVERY TIME things aren't "perfect" you will not make the marriage amount to much. Living with someone DAY in and DAY out for years, decades - it takes WORK, EFFORT, CARING and TRUST.
You won't know, going into a marriage if you will "love him forever" because there will be times where you might NOT feel so lovingly towards him and vice verse. But marriage IS more than just LOVE.
If you feel a little unsure then give it another year and see.
My Mom and dad met at age 15 & 16. They started dating at 18. Then married at 21. They were married for 47 years. (my mom then passed away). It wasn't always a great marriage and as a teenager I often thought that my Mom would be better off divorced from my dad. She, however, didn't. My grandparents both got divorced after a short marriage. My great grandparents were married for 55 years and had 10 kids. So you just never know for sure. But what you DO know is whether you take the commitment SERIOUS and is READY for putting in the work and not presume that a ring on your finger will make a marriage work.
Many people DO get divorced. But many don't. In my friend circle of 12 couples - 2 have gotten divorced - one of those have remarried and been married for 14 years. My brother were with my SIL for 25 years BEFORE they got married. So they have been together for 35 now. And they still make it work.
As Yoda would say: “Do. Or do not. There is no try.”
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (4 December 2018):
 So instead of relaxing and seeing where the relationship goes you’re trying to self sabotage it? People break up, people get divorced, shit happens. No one gets married with the thought of when they will get divorced in your head, how could that possibly make you a hypocrite? Who knows what’s going to happen 10 years down the line, a week, tomorrow? No one does so why worry about it? You’re living in the here and now and if you keep this mentality up your BF will soon tire of it and end things.
If things are so perfect then why are you risking messing things up thinking about pointless scenarios? If you break up, life goes on, you’ll get over it. Until that point just enjoy the relationship, or else you’re going to be kicking yourself for messing it up and constantly putting this burden of worry on your partner.
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