A
male
age
30-35,
*heNewGuy
writes:In July I met a girl at work, she had just moved to my very small hometown a few weeks before we met. She is 23 and has a 1 year daughter. We quickly became friends and I started crushing on her at the same time. She very quite but lots of fun once she is comfortable with you. The only issue is she is very on guard, she won’t talk about her past or anything. It’s almost like she is running from it. When I ask about her family she says she doesn’t have one. I’ve asked about her daughters father and she says she doesn’t want to talk about him. The only thing I really know about her I got from boss, he said that when he asked her how she ended up in our town (it’s seriously small and not on a place people move to) she said she just ended up here. She said she wanted to start over so she packed up and drove and when she was driving through our town she liked it. We’ve been a few dates and I really like her but at the same time I don’t know how a relationship can grow if there are so many secrets. Last week she was really sick and called me, I went over and she was in bed crying, burning up and vomiting and couldn’t look after her daughter. When I mentioned that she should go to the doctor she freaked out and said she couldn’t. I stayed the afternoon, fed the baby and let her sleep. While she was sleeping I will admit I snooped around. I found a photo album in a cupboard that had pictures of her daughters birth, there was a man in all the pictures that I’m assuming is the dad. I don’t want to ask her but I don’t see how you can never talk about your past. Is this relationship even worth working towards if she is so secretive?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2018): Every one here is questioning why she did not goto the doctor.I doubt if it is because she does not want to be found because of confidentiality laws.It is more likely because of money.She is a single mom so more than not she is broke.And if in Canada she more than not cannot afford Medicine anyway.She is not ready for a relationship anyway.She is running...She is very afraid.All you should be now is her good friend.Sounds like an abuse situation to me.Tread lightly.If you do not she is so afraid that she will run again.Just be her friend for now do not even ask about her past.It is really hard to understand how bad abuse can be if you never experienced it.Go very slow with her.
A
male
reader, TheNewGuy +, writes (5 December 2018):
TheNewGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone, I truely meant no harm in looking through her photos. I just wanted to know more about her. Yes I have called it a “relationship”, we’ve been on several dates, spent the night together on more then one occasion and recently became a little more physical with each other.
I honestly never thought about anyone hiding from an abusive relationship or anything bad from their past. I’ve never had a reason to hide from anyone so I didn’t think about anyone else doing it. It kinda makes sense now, she does seem scared of something I’m just not sure what and has asked me to stay with her a lot at night.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2018): [EDIT]:
Corrections:
"If she felt there was a "relationship;"maybe she would be more forthcoming. She's wiser to take her time in any case, as should you."
"It seems more like an acquaintance made through work; although you see the potential for romance. It seems she needs a friend right-now."
"By your own admission, you've proven you don't have the patience to earn trust."
Sorry for so many errors. I squeeze these in during a busy day. I like to help people.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2018): Very personal details of your life or your past are at your discretion to release to others. There are things you will only divulge when you know you can trust whomever you offer sensitive details about yourself to.
You have to be respectful of the privacy of others. If they are hesitant or careful how much information they wish to offer you; it's out of self-preservation, and offered on a need-to-know basis. If she felt there was a "relationship;"
maybe she would be more forthcoming. She's wiser to take her time in any case, as should you.
You're calling the connection between you a "relationship." Is she aware that it is considered that?
It seems more like an acquaintance made through work; although you see the potential of romance; but she seems she needs a friend right-now. Anyway you look at it; she's a very vulnerable young-woman in a new town. Even if she may have been hell on wheels in the past. She isn't at the present. She has to let-down her guard to seek help. Who else could she have called? You're a friend from work; or at least you appear to be. You reached-out in kindness.
If she hasn't reached that degree of familiarity; perhaps it's logical to attribute her secrecy to "erring on the side of caution." Until she knows you well enough to trust you.
By you own admission, you've proven you don't have the patience to earn trust. You asked your boss about her, without considering how she'd feel; if she knew you proceeded in investigating her. When she preferred to withhold personal-details about her life; until she felt ready to share them.
I'm sorry if I seem harsh, and coming down hard.
Not in a judgemental-way. It is to convey how serious it is to intrude on the privacy of others; and not allow them time to decide when they wish to "bare their souls."
Particularly, to someone she hardly knows; and not sure how she'll be judged. She is very young. A single-mother on her own; and life is hard enough. I tend to be very protective of women, kids, and elderly folk; so you see why I come across as I do. Life may be hard for her for the time-being.
She's in a small town. Most are gossipy, nosy, and suspicious. If not paranoid of strangers! Considering all this; she has to be careful who knows what, and how they will treat her knowing what they know. You're a co-worker who could take what you know back to the boss. Why would I conclude such a thing?
Proceed with caution for your own sake. Not knowing too much about her, only suggests you should keep things on a more friendly and professional basis.
When she is more transparent and trusting; she may reveal more for you to decide how well you think you like her. Reserve your feelings for now. Help when you can. Don't snoop around; curiosity kills the cat! What you find could be misinterpreted; and you could totally misjudge her. You wouldn't want anyone to do that to you.
You seem like a decent-guy, and a nice person; from the way you've expressed your thoughts. I'm sure you understand where I'm coming from.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (5 December 2018):
 Did she ask for a relationship or are you just thinking ahead of yourself? If she is secretive because of fear of judgment, I can understand. Some adopted children feel less than children with intact, biological parents. Maybe she is adopted but her guardians disowned her after she got involved with the wrong man. If she is secretive because of some mental issues, then it would work against the idea of beginning a relationship with her. She would only want a relationship for her benefit, which is a free babysitter and a free laborer, a helping hand. Your intrigue and your curiosity now are the only things drawing you to her. Readiness is a big thing. If she is not willing to share her story, there are probably many important things she will not share with you either. All you know now is that she has limitations and has no social value to offer you. It sounds like she's had trauma in life, which means you could be doing something innocent and then it triggers some irrational fear in her. A relationship can't grow when there are too many secrets. Your heart won't settle until you can both trust each other.
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A
male
reader, TheNewGuy +, writes (4 December 2018):
TheNewGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOur boss wouldn’t never mean to cause any harm. He was simply making small talk and she gave him that response. He would never tell any personal information or anything like that. He honestly treats us all like his own family. He knew she was having a hard time finding a sitter for her daughter because there is no daycare in our town so he let her bring her daughter to work and had his teenage daughter watch her.Yes I know I was wrong for snooping but I also did have to go through the cupboard to find where things were also. Yes I know she was in a vulnerable position calling me but she knows I would never harmHer or her daughter. I was simple there to help her because I knew she needed the help. Yes I like her but I wasn’t thinking with my penis that afternoon. She was simply a friend that needed help and was sick. I would have done it for any of my friends / coworkers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2018): Sorry but i think you should mind your own business, she will open up if she wants to. Your 'Small town' excuse gives you no right to look through her personal stuff, she can live and settle where she wants without you trying to be Inspector Clueso, you have no clue, you are second guessing!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2018): She hardly knows anyone and just getting to know you. What you want to know is none of your business. All her boss needed to know is her work-history, educational background, she's not an illegal migrant; and that she isn't posted somewhere on Canada's most-wanted list, or having pending warrants.
He had no business discussing his employee's personal background with you. When people want to disclose their background and personal-history; it is totally up to them. You went too far snooping around her house; and she had to call someone she vaguely knows to keep an eye on her kid.
My advice is to be friendly, but distant; and let her divulge what she wants to, when she's ready. This is precisely the reason I don't condone dating between employees. Look where this is going! You're going through her things!
People trying to make a new start and leaving a hellish situation don't need to start a new town a-buzzing with gossip and prejudging. She has to earn trust and know whom she's dealing with. She's at a total disadvantage.
If you suspect she's running from something; it would behoove you to use your common-sense, and mind your own business.
You have no right to be sniffing around her home or asking questions of her boss. She may have escaped hell and the devil running it. Now she's starting out with a man who's going through her belongings when she's sick and vulnerable; not giving her the chance to decide when she can trust him enough to share more personal-information and her past.
She called you for help, but didn't use common-sense about being vulnerable; or leaving her child at the mercy of a stranger. That's an act of someone desperate, somewhat naive, and she could possibly be running from her past.
Don't get too involved. Think with your head, not your penis. You shouldn't even be dating co-workers anyway.
As for your boss. He's lucky he isn't one of my managers; or he'd be canned. Two men discussing a female employee's personal-life. She better move to another town, and find another job. I have a feeling she's going to end-up doing just that!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2018): My first thought is that she is escaping from a bad past and she doesn't want anyone to be able to find her. It is possible that the father of her daughter was abusive towards her and she had to get out. He could have been violent towards her and she might be very scared of him finding out where she is. Hence the worry of going to the doctors because she then might be on some sort of list of patients that he could find her on?Stay out of her business and be aware that she might have a very real and frightening reason why she is lying low. I don't think that anyone with a small child just packs up and drives. I think that someone in fear for their life would very possibly do so. Tread carefully and be her friend by all means, but back off with ANY snooping (you have absolutely no right to do that) and back off with any thoughts of romance, because if I'm right, she will be in no state to entertain romance and also if she is being followed/hounded and she is found, then you will be in his sights and enemy no.1Sounds a bit far fetched? Perhaps, but women running from men in fear of their lives happens more than you seem to think. Good luck and be careful.
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A
male
reader, TheNewGuy +, writes (4 December 2018):
TheNewGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know she doesn’t owe me anything I just don’t understand how everything from her past has to be a secret.
I’m not pressuring her in any way into a relationship, yes I asked her out first but I left it up to her. She texts me all the time, she’s invited me to hang out. When I’m with her I leave everything up to her, I’m not that guy that is going to make her feel like she has to date me or take things further then she wants to take them.
I just find it odd that she keeps asking me to hang out, has asked me about my past , family , relationships but won’t talk about anything.
There has to be something in her last that she can talk about
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 December 2018):
 Don't pursue a relationship. Stick to being friends. she isn't ready for it, isn't ready to share or open up.
She doesn't OWE you details of her past. NOT an iota.
And don't snoop. That is pretty low.
I GET that you are curious, I get that you like her. But you need to 1. have some FREAKING respect for her privacy and 2. have some FREAKING common sense and realize that she is in NOT shape to be dating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2018): Snooping aftdr three dates is not on . She may be running from a violent relationship who knows. She needs time to open up and tell you. Either you can give her that or you can't.. which is it . To you like her enough to stick the course. She will tell you when she ready ..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2018): It could be she is emotionally very badly hurt and her pain is still sore that is why she doesn't want to talk. Of course if you want to have a serious relationship with her you have to know things like if she has a police record she is running from. Why she didnt want to see a doctor? It looks a little dubious. What is she running from. Your boss should know he hired her. My advice is give her time also take it slowly with her yourself . Dont rush her into something she is not ready for. Give her time. She will open up when she is ready. You just have to wait for the time being.
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