A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am having trouble with my 17 year old daughter. We've recently returned from a trip to Europe and are jet lagging. It being the weekend, I texted her at 11am to see what she wanted for lunch. She replied that she was still sleeping. At 2pm she texted me to say she was very hungry and wanted food right away. I told her I need to get ready before I head out to get the food. On that same note I gave her a semi lecture about how she needs to give me time to get her food and not expect it as soon as she requests it, also that she is old enough to make something light to eat if she is THAT hungry. I also told her that she needs to start cleaning after herself and not expecting me to go clean her room abd wash her clothes all the time. She complains about how I spoil her brother who is 10 years old, how I cook for him and clean after him. I pointed out that he is 10 and she is 17. I said if she thinks I'm spoiling him then I'm spoiling her the same way. Hence the argument starts... me telling her she needs to be more responsible and her saying its not fair how I spoil her brother and is so harsh on her. Then she takes a screen shot of where I tell her that she needs to grow up and be more responsible and start taking care of her own things, and posts it on instagram with a caption "Omg I'm Gunna Kill Myself". When her friends replied to her post she told them how miserable I make her feel and she wants to commit suicide. So I confront her and broke down part by part our conversation asking her how is it that telling her to be more responsible causing her to want to kill herself. I told her how I dislike her blasting everything about our family online. She said she will not really kill herself. I said the state is very serious, she can't just make a statement like that! She then got upset that I looked at her instagram... I reminded her I helped her set it up hence I have the password, but never chose to say anything about her posts until she this post where she said she'll kill herself. I reminded her that other parents monitor their kids social media even more closely. A few hours after our talk... she changed the password to her instagram. I knew she had been chatting with her friends and probably someone told her to change it. So, I asked for her phone, tuened the phone off in front of her, and going to keep the phone. She screamed asking why can't she have privacy on her social media.. I told her of course she can, when she is old enough to kove out and have a job to pay for her phone.I feel harsh... and I hate to be harsh. I do monitor her social media but never said a word, even during times she was chatting with students that were of bad influence.. I let her make her own decisions. But I had to say something when she posted something threatening to kill herself. I let her have a lot of freedom, she can go out whenever she wants to, give her more than enough money for her and her friends to eat, and drive her anywhere she wants. There were never curfews or restrictions of any kind. I've always been supportive. And every time after she goes out, she comes home to a nicely cleaned room, bedsheets washed, bed made, clothes washed, folded, and put away. I cook a freshly prepared lunch for her every morning, drive her to and from school. I thought I did my best.. but how can she just say that I make her want to kill herself and blast ut on social media like that? And then to plot with friends to change her password? She's graduating high school next year and wants to travel around Asia with her female friends. I'm about to book the ticket and hotel for them.. but I told her if her attitude doesn't change, she's not going nowhere.Am I being too harsh? How do I deal with her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2018): The answer when dealing with teens is never ever take anything they say or do too personally as this stage of her life will soon pass.Do not feel guilty.If she wants money so what i did when my kids were teens.They wanted phones like their friends...I told them get a job.Now grown they all have very good work ethics. Only supply the very basics.You want more? Get a job.You want clean clothes? You know where the washer is.Your hungrey? You know where the fridge is.By doing everything for her You are only hurting her.By giving her everything like expensive clothes phones tablets etc.You are only stunting her.This is why kids feel entitled.Time to teach her how to be a grown up.If you do not do this be prepared for things to remain the same and she will still be living with you at forty and you will still be supporting her and her five kids all with different baby daddys.Time for her to start growing up.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (5 December 2018):
 Amazing how your second post completely changed what I thought! I ASSUMED your daughter's father was not in the picture, that you were home all the time and that you were making up to her for her father not being around. All totally incorrect assumptions as it turns out.
Having read your second post, I can have a little bit of empathy with and sympathy for your daughter. When you are away (how often is that?), she is expected to step up and assume the adult female role in the house. She does this quite capably (and willingly, I assume?). She is only 17. She is at that awkward age when she is neither an adult nor a child. She is being told, on the one hand, that she needs to grow up and take more responsibility yet, on the other hand, she is having her social media activity monitored and being told she is still a child. Are you surprised she is confused? I'M confused just reading all this! Also, you can't be offering to make her food one minute then complaining the next when she decides to take up your offer. Your reaction to that was as over-the-top as was hers on social media about killing herself. Could you not just have laughed and said, "I will make you something shortly but you will have to grab a snack in the meantime or wait until I am done"? You do not have to react to every silly little things she says or does. It's no wonder she acts up as she does. She is (a) following your example and (b) loving winding you up (because she is a woman-child and is finding her place in the world).
The silly over the top comment about killing herself was obviously just attention seeking and being a typical 17 year old drama queen in front of her friends. She obviously knows which buttons to press with you and you willingly react to everything she says and does. Perhaps she gets her love of drama from her mother? She seems to have more control of the relationship between you than YOU do - and you are supposed to be the adult.
I think you need to decide what you want from her, tell her and then stick to your guns - calmly, sensibly and in an adult fashion. Stop reacting to her little digs. Most teenagers go through this painful phase where they think their parents (or the dominant parent at least) are unreasonable and don't understand them.
As for her room, that is HER domain. Leave her to tidy it or leave it filthy as she pleases. She is CAPABLE of keeping it clean and tidy, so if she CHOOSES to leave it a mess then that is HER choice. Keep the door closed and let her deal with it. She's been raised in a clean tidy house so she will eventually get fed up with mess and start to clean up after herself.
If she complains that you spoil her brother more than her, tell her that, when he is HER age, the same will be expected of him as is expected of her.
There is no harm in spoiling her occasionally and making her feel special. It will only bring you closer.
Lastly, bear in mind, this phase too will pass. Hang in there. Be strong. Be the adult. Lead by example. She will eventually grow out of being a bothersome rebellious teenager.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 December 2018):
 With social media, you should only monitor it as far as you can without needing her password or snooping through her messages - ie seeing what she posts, but nothing more than that.
If she’s capable and enjoys the role, then it’s YOUR behaviour that puts her off. Ask her to share the role - not of “mum” but of responsibility and make it emotionally worth her while by spending the time with her and helping her feel good about it when you are there.
Definitely start teaching your son too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2018): Dear code warrior, honeypie, janniepeg, andie's thoughts, and other responses...
I did drop the hammer on her. I grounded her for the entire month of December, her most eventful month as she has gatherings with her friends for the Holidays and after the Christmas Concert hang outs and year end parties. She is forbidden to go to any of them. She has a few school performances which she is allowed to attend, but must come home right after. I took away her phone for 2 days as well.
I did have a conversation with her as to why she must blast our family affairs online. She said it's a way for her to relieve her anger/stress. She needs to vent her feelings.... I asked her how is it that it angers her that I ask her to pick up after herself and be more responsible, she couldn't answer that only saying it's not fair that I baby her brother and not her. Long story short, unfortunately, her personality is very much like her father's. They both LOVE and I mean LOVE telling others (family & friends) about all their issues at home. Her father has gone to his mother and relatives about our arguments, big or small and of course it's lead to our lives being the main gossip for years.. and of course he would only tell his side of the story so I sound like a total B. But I've learnt to ignore it all and it really doesn't bother me. My daughter is an exact replica of her father.. she does the same exact thing, and this is what is getting to me. My own daughter exposing our lives to the world. I have tried to explain to her that other people will do all they can to protect and keep family issues private, they will never think to broadcast anything to anyone... why must she do it. She calls me comparing her to others. I honestly don't know how to deal with this side of her personality anymore... it's tough enough that I have to deal with her teenage drama!
I monitor her social media because I want to see the influence her friends has on her and how she reacts to it. For example, an international student from her school created a second Instagram account to blast the school and teachers... my daughter fully supported that account for a few weeks... I was about to have a talk with her until I realized she unfollowed and deleted that account. My daughter has grown up in this Christian School.. spent 12 years there. This is also the school where I grew up and graduated from. The teachers and faculty are like family to us and they have been there for myself and my daughter though thick and thin. My daughter knows that and loves the school.. but for her to agree with an international students rant about how awful the school is and making fun of the teachers and school betrays her loyalty.. luckily her conscious kicked in and she realized she made a mistake and unfollowed the account.
As far as traveling goes, I must admit this is my fault. Our family travels three times per year... Locally within the States during Spring Break, and Internationally to Europe and Asia during Winter and Summer. Both children have been traveling with us since they were born. They love traveling and seeing the world. As they've grown up, both kids have traveled with school locally and to the East Coast. My daughter has a Senior trip where her whole senior class will spend a week in Hawaii. Then her and friends will have a trip on their own during Summer before heading to College. She is actually working for that by staying after school every day for 2hrs (from 3-5pm) to watch the Middle School students.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 December 2018):
 So she does know HOW to perform simple chore, GOOD. Then just simply INFORM her when you are home she can CONTINUE to do her own laundry.
And start teaching your son as well. SHE shouldn't be "mom" when you are away, but of course she can help out.
Maybe set a "laundry day" for your daughter - each week. Let's say Sunday is HER day. If she doesn't do it... well, then she won't have clean clothes until she does. If you hop in EVERY time to pick up HER slack, then you are ENABLING that "princess attitude" (which, quite frankly, she is 10 years too old to run around with).
TREAT her like YOUR child, not your equal or "princess". Being a "princess" (unless you are ACTUAL royalty) is not a life-skill at all. Anyone except her immediate family would call her a spoiled brat.
As for social media, I find it such a "weird fish" to deal with because I don't do twitter, Instagram or Facebook myself. AT ALL. I have no need to blast my life all over social networks, I find it utterly fake and narcissist. We have had LONG talks in this house about social media. About how to "behave" online. I think it's a discussion worth having. I do trust my kids to know how to behave. Online and Offline, so to speak.
As for your daughter, that is something YOU and your husband should discuss. If you FEEL you HAVE to monitor her social media, then THAT is your choice. However, what do you hope to accomplish by doing so?
With her whole travel plan, again, you and your husband ought to sit down and make a plan for WHAT you both expect from her in order to let her partake.
My middle one is going to NY on a school trip at the end of the school year. We are paying for 2/3 of the trip, the REST is up to HER to earn.
My youngest one wanted shopping and spending money when her group went to Nationals, big city, loads of shops and things she doesn't see much of around here. So, she spend EVERY Sunday for 3 months mowing lawns. Ours, the neighbors and the BIL's. Well, she made good money and have actually saved half of it. That one is SO proud of not only having EARNED the money she spend but being smart enough to put some away for a rainy day.
I was raised that being GIVEN everything makes thing seem less worthwhile. You work HARD (or just work) for something and it MEANS more to you. Doesn't mean EVERYTHING should be an uphill battle (if it doesn't have to) but again, that is what I was taught and what I am teaching my kids.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 December 2018):
 I don't know how she talks to you normally, like in a whiny tone or neutral. In a text that's even harder to tell if she's giving you a demand or just stating a wish. If she has a habit of asking you for stuff and complains that you need time, then I can see how you feel you are treated like a maid. You are not harsh on her. She felt attacked when you were basically saying she's not acting her age. She also hears a whole bunch of stuff like she's not worthy of love, no man wants her if she can't take care of domestic duties, etc. It's not unrealistic to begin to have a sense of responsibility as a 17 year old. In fact, it should start at 13. The resistance comes in when she feels you are shaming her in order to motivate her. For years, you created an environment at home that's fit for a princess. All of a sudden the privilege is taken away unless she can face the struggle that everyone feels, doing the daily grind such as a job and chores. She is no longer a princess, and she can't treat you like a maid anymore. She's basically throwing a tantrum but to post it on Instagram is just exposing her weakness and immaturity. There's nothing cool about bashing parents.
Have you tried previously to teach your daughter how to cook and do laundry only to be met with refusal? Then at age 17 you expect her to be able to do all these things? Still, I feel if she is forced to be independent such as living in a college dorm she would learn basic skills very quickly. At home she would totally take you for granted.
Up until now, you treated your daughter too nice. You've been to Europe and now she is planning to go to Asia. She has no financial worries and she gets whatever she asks for. So why suddenly today you decide she needs to be an adult? She thinks. Why you want to quit your job as her maid? I am interested in how you dealt with her between age 13 and 17. Is it because you are comparing her to her cousins? Are you worried that she can't find a husband because of her laziness? Is there a deadline that she has to learn all these things before 18? Are you tired of being the caretaker and needing a break? Do you want to be appreciative of your hard work? I am not judging, but I want to hear your thoughts and so does she. Your daughter is someone who looks perfect on the outside, but inside she is lacking emotional involvement with you but does not know how to ask for it. This generation is different from the last. Children nowadays act tough, they may look very mature on the outside but emotionally they need to be guided step by step. Me, being born in 1980 I find it hard to communicate with my son because I never had the tools. Language evolves hand in hand with our spiritual growth. My parents never spoke to me about emotional things. If a little bit of constructive criticism causes her to want to kill herself (even jokingly), it means she is not that happy, and you need to listen to her heart. If you want cooperation in the house, if you want her to be more active in household decision making, if you want her to be a good model to her brother, these are all valid reasons for her to grow up rather than she is 17 and she is a failure if she is not doing household duties.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2018): Dear Code Warrior and Honeypie,
She does know how to cook and clean. I've been cooking with her since she was young and she actaully enjoys cooking and baking. She knows how to do laundry. She just depends on me to do it when I'm around. When I'm away on business trips, she will cook and clean for her dad and ny mom if she's there. I asked her why is it that she can be so repsonsible when I'm not there but act like such a princess when I am there. She said it's her natural instinct to take on my role when I'm not home. When I'm home she enjoys being a princess!
My concern is Social Media and how much freedom/privacy should I give her in regards to that. Am I too harsh in asking to monitor it now since I have never asked to do so?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2018): You have made a rod out of your own back. However don't beat yourself over this, you have been doing what you thought was for the best.But i am sorry but what you have created is no boundaries or very little and a teenager who wants to see how far she can push it. That doesn't make her bad either, she does what a lot of them do. But here is the thing your lack of boundaries don't do her any favours, do you expect her to appreciate what you do for her? Trust me it doesn't work that way. You fell straight into her plans, to make you feel bad for having the audacity to NOT pander to her like you normally do. Social media is a new tool, my daughter is a couple of years older, she tweeted the other day her disgust that i went out for tea with my partner and told her to make beans on toast when she asked me what was for tea and when she got home. Teenagers mind set can be nutty, a lot rebel, are selfish and if given the option for you to pick up after them a lot will happily take, why wouldn't they!!The other two posters have given you the great advice you need on how to deal with her. I will just add that when you speak to her remember who you are, you are her parent so when you speak to her do so as a parent, don't get drawn into her drama of 'I am going to commit suicide' she knows exactly what side her bread is buttered and how to manipulate you to feel bad. Keep your boundaries, she won't be happy at first but you know what secretly she will be pleased that you are putting them in place. Let this episode go, if she is going travelling speak to her and why not say you want her to prepare for the travel and that includes being shown how to do laundry, then to do it herself and making simple dishes to eat etcGood luck
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (4 December 2018):
Stop giving her money without her earning it through chores, and start teaching your son before he ends up like her. Alpha parenting is unhelpful, but so is giving them everything and not teaching them how to look after themselves.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (4 December 2018):
If you don’t teach, she won’t learn. I was taught, so I learnt. My brother wasn’t taught, so he didn’t learn. It wasn’t until he went to uni that he realised had to learn.
Take her back to basics.
- get her a PLAIN outfit (blank top, a pair of cheap trousers and underwear) that YOU will wash, so if she “has no clean clothes”, you can give her that. Keep it in a shoebox as it’s ONLY a spare outfit and not to be used otherwise. She’ll get bored of relying on that one outfit (which is why it needs to be plain and “boring”), so she’ll have to learn to wash her clothes
- give her a laundry basket and it must stay in her room UNLESS she is in the process of washing clothes
- make sure you have food in the house and make dinner as you normally do; she either eats what you make or she doesn’t and she can make her own sandwich or cereal for breakfast or lunch, provided you make sure you have everything
- set boundaries and stick to them
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 December 2018):
I have 3 teenage daughters, who DO their own laundry and have done for a couple of year (sure, they don't do ALL their laundry all the time), but they each have a hamper in their rooms and I DO NOT empty those, or wash them, that is on them.
My middle daughter who also have a VERY large amount of clothes "ran out" of pants the other day (or so she claimed) and I suggested she do her laundry so she had clean pants. So she did. I mean it's NOT really rocket science.
I have SHOWED them what settings clothes go on for the washer and dryer, to clean the filter on the dryer and to NOT let things SIT in either washer or dryer. It's not hard.
So my advice just give her a hamper for her room, show her how to wash a load, how to fold, and what setting for the dryer and then STOP doing her laundry. You can even leave a sticky note on the washer for her until she knows it "by heart". If she runs out of clean clothes.. THAT is on her.
As for cooking for her... Are you serious that she demanded to be FED over text? At 2 pm in the afternoon and you were supposed to drop everything and "fetch" her food? Are you kidding? She is 17!
I can understand you might not have had anything in the house if you just got back from vacation, but seriously?
I mean, YOU had from 11 am to 2 pm to run to the store for a few essentials. Like milk, fresh fruit, yogurt, cereal, bread, bacon, eggs... whatever you guys normally use for breakfast and then could have walked her happy ass down stairs and fixed herself something.
17!! TEACH her how to boil an egg, make scrambled eggs or cut up fruit and make a smoothie with yogurt or whatever SHE eats for breakfast.
SHE needs some kind of BASIC skills. Like how to do laundry, make HERSELF some breakfast - seriously! IT IS YOUR job to teach her to learn to rely on herself! BE her parent not her maid.
Same for your son. 10 is a GOOD age to learn some BASIC skills. HE can learn how to do laundry too. In summer to cut grass, take out the trash... and then PAY him for the WORK he has done. REWARD good behavior.
MAKE it fun! Not a chore. Yeah, doing laundry isn't a laugh, but it's not really complicated either. And everyone needs to have clean clothes.
When we first moved up here, we had no dishwasher which meant the GIRLS had to do the dishes. And they HAVE been from age 9/11/13.
You think spoiling your kids is you being nice - but you aren't HELPING them gain SIMPLE BASIC skills.
YOU clean her room for her? How is that going to help her later on? You going to provide her with a maid when she moves out?
My oldest is 18, she now cooks dinner once a week. She takes care of her own meals (because she is working full time while taking a year off before college) - on her days off of course I cook for HER as well as the rest of the family, but when she is working it's up to her to make sure she eats before work, wash her uniforms, etc. Since she has a job she pays for her cellphone/bill. But she has gotten the "year off" from paying rent and other bills. So she can save up for a car.
The whole "I'm going to kill myself" is not about killing herself but to show just how inept you have made her. I mean, you tell her she needs to start doing her own laundry and THAT is her responds? THIS IS how she handles "complications" in life?
I'm not saying you are a bad mom, I'm sure you are not. But, I think, you need to realize "spoiling" your kids by doing EVERYTHING for them is NOT helping them. EVERYONE needs those basic skills. At some point she will be off to college, are you going to go there daily to clean her room and pick up after her? Or do you think she will magically know how to do things because she turned 18?
I don't check my kids social media, AT all. Because we have build trust. I trust them to know how to behave. they DO come and ask how to deal with things on social media. Like one of them had this grown ass man asking her for pictures - so I showed her how to block him, how to up her security setting. The internet is not a safe place. But I can not NAVIGATE it for them.
They HAVE curfews. Because I DO NOT want them with other teenagers out on the road late at night. School nights is 10 pm - week-ends is 11 pm. My kids have rules and restrictions. It's like teaching them about laws, in a sense. IF you do A then B can be the likely outcome. As in... IF YOU DO NOT keep your room tidy, do your chores, your homework, that Winter Formal you want to go to is NOT going to happen. If you get A's you get rewarded XXX amount, B XX, nothing for CDF's. If you screw off on doing your homework, you lose your phone/tablet/laptop until you have made up for the missing assignment.
ACTIONS have consequences. At least for my kids. And for most people in general.
My kids volunteer once a month with me. They all volunteer with their school as well, even the one who graduated. Now this isn't all work and no play, one is volunteering to be a Disney Princess for a kid's show downtown and then visit the Children's wing after in costume. She did it last year too and came home crying because it made such an impact on her. The other volunteer yearly (and have been for 4 years) at 2 local charity events.
We aren't wealthy. I want my kids to know that money isn't everything, sometimes giving your TIME is helpful too.
And I'm not saying my kids are perfect. They are not. They are teenagers after all. But they are (mostly) well behaved, curious, creative, independent, well-mannered and hardworking. As much as I will miss them all when they leave the nest, I KNOW that they DO have some basic skills and that they will do JUST fine.
Do you really think you would NOT let her to travel? That you would actually keep that "promise" or "threat"? And does she know? If she is SO used to bossing you around, I doubt she will take you serious at all.
If you want her to be a RESPONSIBLE adult, teach her some basic things. Chores, I think are good for ANYONE. But don't got from 0-100 over night. Start with one chore, weekly or whatnot and build on to that. SAME with your son. They can be much lighter chores but they still instill some sense of USEFULNESS.
my kids have been making their beds since they were old enough to do so. Even if their rooms were not tidy the BED was always made. It's the first thing they do every morning. Why? Because 1. if the bed looks tidy, they automatically want the rest of the room to match. 2. it's an accomplishment. Not a big one but one you do every day. You start the day with having done something RIGHT. You leave your room in order. you come HOME to an orderly room. ONE that YOU (the kids) did for themselves. WHY do you think the Military enforces this from the moment a recruit joins up? Because it creates a sense of order and accomplishment. Even if the rest of they day turn into crap. Making their beds take all of 2 minutes. It's simple task.
Maybe some of what I have mentioned can help you, maybe it can't. I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2018): I don't think you are being harsh enough. You are going to pay for a world trip for her and her friends when she is not even responsible enough to make herself a sandwich or pick up her dirty underwear off the floor? Does she even know how to clean her own clothes? Can she even operate the washing machine or stove? She does not sound like a child I would want to have outside of my supervision, let alone travelling to a foreign country. Keep monitoring her social media, and control her phone use. She is a child and you need to do this for her own safety.I know you say you are doing your best, but the job of a parent is to prepare our children to become functioning, self-sufficient, empathetic, adults. I don't think your behaviors of giving her whatever she wants, and cleaning up after her, and having nothing expected from her in return is at all good for your daughter, or you, or society even. I hope that you can see what you are doing is just creating an entitled, selfish, helpless, child in an adult body. She will not be able to even support herself in the real world. So sad.You need to create some healthy expectations for her right away, as she is already 17 and will need to grow up, and fast. Do not send her on a world trip with her friends. Give her some basic chores that are her responsibility, and if she doesn't do her part, she gets no money, and no privileges to go out with her friends. Do not clean up after her anymore. If she leaves her room a mess, she can live in a mess. If she leaves her stuff outside her room then throw it away in the trash or donate it. Do not cook for her, she can join you for meals with the family or cook her own. Teach her how to clean and cook so she can do these things for herself when she is out of the house!I hope that you see you need to make these same changes with how you are raising your son also. He is 10. He is old enough to have chores and responsibilities around the house. You can make more of an impact with his behavior since he is younger and it should be easier with him to change. Your daughter will fight tooth and nail, but you need to be the adult and the parent and stick to the new rules no matter what. I am sorry you will have some tough times ahead with her, but you did procrastinate teaching her these life skills at a more appropriate time, and so now have to deal with a very difficult, entitled, selfish, teenage girl that you created.I do wish you the best, and I hope I don't come across too harsh to you either. I only am giving you my best advice as I see it. I hope you follow it though, even if it is hard to read, or if you take offense at first, since I know it sounds like me telling you how to raise your kids. R
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2018): Gee you have spoiled her .. we are raising a son and two girls and being honest they are spoiled but not like this. Stop running after her so much she 17teen not a baby . Yes her room needs to be near. And she should be helping with the laundry . My oldest daughter brings the laundry basket down when I ask her too and helps with lil chores and she 9 . Stand firm and kp the phone until you get a list of things she needs to do
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2018): You are not being harsh enough. I'm assuming you pay for her mobile phone? If so, take it from her. She is a semi adult that needs to learn about looking after herself. Why on earth would you text your daughter who is in the same house? Lead by example.
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