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female
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anonymous
writes: I think I've tried all that I can but my relationship just doesn't seem to be working. It's really complicated because there seems to be so much wrong with it. He hardly touches me any more, he used to be so affectionate for the first year we were together but now he pushes me away. I love him very much and want a good relationship with him but we have no physical relationship at all. He is not interested in sex with me at all. He will even deny my advances and then go straight to porn sites as soon as my back is turned. I just don't understand how he can want that and not me. Or why he can't see that I need the phyisical attention he used to give me and that he's hurting me. He makes me feel so unwanted. He only ever tells me he loves me if I ask. There are loads of other issues as well like that he expects me to pay half of everything even though he works and I stay at home because of the children. He has more time to himself than I do, goes out when he feels like without thinking about me. He makes me feel like he doesn't want to be with me but if I ask him, he won't talk. Even though he is at home more often than me and has more spare time, he still expects me to keep the house clean and tidy. He even leaves his dirty clothes on the floor as if he expects me to pick them up. I've been waiting for 2 months for him to finish painting the baby's bed room. He's left the cot in bits and the wardrobe on the landing in everyone's way. The baby is now 6 months old and is still sleeping in a moses basket in our room. i'm sure my partner loves me and the kids and i'm pretty sure that the reason for his selfishness and thoughtlessness is that he just doesn't know any different. He's nearly 30 and has never lived away from his parents. I just don't know where to start in getting him to grow up
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanx for that excellent response! yes i do feel that i am just a replacement mum for him. i do go to groups with my baby and i have taken up a course where i can leave the baby in a creche. my partner does seem to want to make things better but doesn't seem to know how. he says he is trying and that's why he has taken on extra shifts at work but i have told him that, although i appreciate that, that isn't the problem. i have told him that he needs to put more into actually being part of the family with us. the thing that i don't understand is that before we moved in together, he really wanted us to be a family and even got upset that he couldn't do more for us and now he doesn't seem to want to. he is trying but thinks that all he can do for us is bring extra money in. ofcourse, this is helpful if he is actually going to put the extra money towards the family but i need him to understand that there are other things he needs to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2006): This is a terrible situation, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you check back every once in a while to see responses to your question. Better yet, I hope by now that you're looking at this relationship in a rearview mirror.If not, my advice is this. Get yourself something to take up a lot of your time and energy. Start a co-op. Take classes. Initiate a neighborhood watch program. Join a ladies sports team. The last is the best suggestion, as it brings up your serotonin and endorphin levels, and it builds your self-esteem.Anything you can do to 1. gather strength for you and your ego, 2. get your mind off the situation, and 3. help build a network of people who will provide you with emotional support. Right now, it seems like your life is very much about your home situation, and there's nothing wrong with that or with you. It is healthy to have things outside your relationship, but your relationship seems to be weighing heavily upon your strength. You have to stay home, clean, take care of the baby, and somehow magically come up with money to pay half the bills. With all due respect, this situation is not only unfair, it's damaging to your psyche. You feel sad and unwanted. You feel alone, and why shouldn't you? You are alone. In your house, in your duties, in your emotional stability and growth, in your very relationship you are alone. I don't see him contributing to anything here, except maybe half of the house costs, and he's no saint for doing that. Hopefully, what will happen will be that you will get over this notion of helping him grow up. You will see him for who he is, which is someone who wants a mommy in his house, not a wife or partner. And you will find the strength and support you need to get you and your baby out of that situation.Some part of you is still cringing, thinking, "I love him. I can't get out. You don't understand, he's really a good guy. I know he loves me." I wish that I could give you a magic pill to understand the larger picture. Something to help you step back as far as you can from the relationship and try to see it for what it is. But you won't be able to do that for a while after you've left him. For now, try to understand that you cannot change anyone. They must do it for themselves. And it usually takes a huge catalyst for people to become introsepctive and make a decision to become a better person. Like hitting bottom for a junkie or a break-up with the wife. Even then, a lot of people struggle to hold on to old values, don't want to believe they may have behaved badly, and they continue on as they had. He may never change, even after you leave him. And worse, he will find some woman who will be willing to put up with him. Don't let it be you. You deserve so much better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni'm doing my best to talk and make things work but he seems to believe there is nothing wrong
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2005): With love, a committed, long-term relationship is sensational. Without it, it's hell and I think you are living in hell, right now, dear. Relationships can last a lifetime if couples apply two rules to their relationships. Meet each other's most important emotional needs and avoid hurting each other. This is not happening your relationship and you have some tough decisions to make. He's no longer affectionate, physically and emotionally; he basically has abandoned you, in very sense of the word but he's still there, in body but not in the heart.
You have two options. Leave this relationship and make a good, solid life for you and your child or see if you can get him and yourself into some intensive couple counselling. If he refuses to go...then go yourself and get some support from a professional couple therapist and gain insight into how you can cope. When someone describes her partner as you have described yours, though, I think there should be one good final effort. This is a time of courage, soul-searching, and honesty. It is a time to bite the tongue until it bleeds, and listen through tears. Someone far wiser than me said that love is not a feeling, but instead, love is a decision. Find a counselor committed to restoring broken relationships. Find some friends or family that can be supportive. Both of you need to hug your child close to you and hold onto that family. Talk to him and let him know what you feel and see if he'll help you rebuild what you once had. If he doesn't want to...then regain back your pride and self-respect and just end this relationship. If you do leave, dear-you heart will mend but it will take time and strength. Be strong dear and I wish you the best.
Hugs, Irish
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