A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly 10 years. We love each other and many things are great. She's made it pretty clear that she's more than ready to make the commitment of marriage, and I'm not denying that that's where we might head, but it worries me that I'm still not sure after all this time - and often think about breaking up with her... but I do love her and want her to be happy... but I can't imagine life without her.So I have a difficult choice to make and don't know how to make it. My options are:i) Stay and don't get married, waiting for my mind to settle on a definite choice. But what if it never does?!ii) Take the leap into singledom, with the risk of realising too late that I've made the biggest mistake in my life.iii) Pull my finger out and ask her to marry me... with the risk of realising on my death bed that I made a big mistake.I have a feeling that this might be a very common problem. Many thanks for any advice you can give me. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, QuiteConfused +, writes (17 July 2007):
Hi, I wrote the original question.
Thank you for your replies so far. You did exactly what I hoped you might, and gave me some angles to look at this that I hadn't thought about myself.
I'm going to add in some detail that might make my situation a little clearer though...
When she's in a good mood, I'm totally all-in and ready to commit. But she often seems to find that things stress her out, or is at that time of the month - and I get the brunt, and it's painful. During the bad times I feel like I'm living with someone who I love, but who hates my guts.
We'll go for a week sometimes where everything's fantastic, and I almost forget about the bad times, but then we can go for 3 weeks straight of the bad times.
I keep thinking - hang in there, help her through this problem, once you're through this it'll be fine... and it will be for a while, but then there always seems to be something else.
When someone's always fretting about their own situation, I think it can make them selfish... or is it selfishness that means they're always fretting... I dunno.
I try to talk to her about it and she just gets upset. She's like the queen of the debating class - and I often end up feeling like I'm in the wrong... but these feelings are coming from somewhere hey! I feel like I'm not allowed to have a problem, but she is.
A
female
reader, jax notes  +, writes (17 July 2007):
 Marriage is a very serious thing...and if you are that confused, and unhappy enough, often enough to seriously consider breaking up with her - please, let her get on with her life. Do you hear yourself? Every positive ends with a negative. Kiss, slap. Your girlfriend must be dizzy with confusion and frustration.You can't imagine life without her, but worry on your deathbed you'll have regrets?If you want your girlfriend to be happy, you need to sit down alone, with a pastor, or a male mentor you trust and have them help you think through your resistance. I do not recommend a Saturday drinking buddy, or Tuesday poker pal. Make a list of what you love about her... physically, mentally, emotionally. What connects you to her? What are some of her quirks? Do they make you smile? Even a little? Does she have a gentle spirit, a giving heart? Does she love you? Do you respect each other? Keep writing, until everything you love and enjoy about your girlfriend is listed. When you read what you have written, do you notice passion? Adoration? A deep knowing love?If you aren't in love with her, and if you aren't willing to marry her until everything is 'perfect' --- please be willing to communicate with her, be honest...When you come to a decision, if you know in your heart you care about her, but you aren't able to ask her to share her life with you...for always; I promise, she will find someone who is and they will both appreciate your honesty and willingness to let her find a life without you. Far better for her to find a partner that adores her because of who she is, not in spite of who she is. If you do let go, you may find a special someone also. You may have already found her...if you would open your heart and let her in. I'm not sure what you are afraid of, but I don't think it's being on your deathbed only to realize 'arrggh, i could have another'. Typically, when we are close to our end, our appreciation for our loved ones escalates...and we learn how much they have meant to us through the years, the longer the relationship - the stronger the ties can become. What we realize at the end of our life...is how empty our life would have been without their touch, their love.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (17 July 2007):
 Why would you have stayed with someone for 10 YEARS and STILL be questioning this?
On the one hand, I think you should marry her becuase you do not sound like the kind of guy that goes after the things he really wants in life, and is unable to appreciate what he's got. I am not sure you beleive that you could do better.
On the other hand, I think you should let her go, so that she has the chance to find someone that will appreciate her in ways that you seem incapable of.
My question to you is: Is this the only area in your life where you have no clue about, or are you like this in all areas.
You need to consider this long and hard BUT SOON. She has a biological clock you need to respect. This is no time for being wishy washy, for her sake.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, nigelfuxwell +, writes (17 July 2007):
 Marriage is a very serious thing, and no one should walk into it lightly. So, it’s a very good thing that you’re actually taking the time to logically sort through the issue before making a decision.But let’s look at this objectively. You’ve been with this woman for 10 years and you’re not sure if she’s someone you can marry. This means that either you can’t see yourself spending the rest of your life with her, or you just don’t want to make a commitment. After 10 years of dating (and I assume living together?) you pretty much know what you’re getting into. You made a couple of key statements however, that lead me to believe that either you’re not as in love as you’d like to be, or you want to flirt with the single life to see if there’s anything better out there.“We love each other and many things are great” – OK… That’s not the most passionate statement ever made about a relationship. What’s not great about it? Are those things serious enough that it would prevent you from committing to her?“that's where we might head” – Not too confident…“often think about breaking up with her... but I do love her and want her to be happy” – That’s the ultimate mistake a man can make. That line alone is the one emotion I’ve personally felt a few times, and it’s a confusing one.You do love her. You want her to be happy, but you have to understand that she will not be happy if you enter into a marriage that you’re not sure about. It will come out in so many ways that you’re just not into it, and she’ll be able to see right through it. On the other hand, you’re missing something, and right now, you’re the only person who knows what that is. You’re maybe holding out for the next big thing, marriage scares the hell out of you, you need more stimulation sexually maybe? Who knows? If there is something you need in a relationship that’s missing with the one you have, it might be easier to create or facilitate that with the woman you’re with now. Communicating with her about what you need and being open with her might solve the whole problem.You definitely don’t want to be pressured into marriage, but you don’t want to make this lady that you love wait forever. If you’re honestly not feeling it, set her free. It’s kind of selfish to string a woman who’s very serious about commitment along if you really have no intentions of getting married. But if all you’re searching for is another stab at youth and the single life, ask yourself if losing someone who truly loves you and someone you truly love is worth it? I could give you clichés about the grass not being greener on the other side and all that, but chances are you already know that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007): wow, if you've been together for 10 years and you still don't know if she's the one, that's not a good sign. Stay friends, let her move on with her life and you with yours.
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