A
male
age
30-35,
*an-of-questions
writes:Hi,I'm not normally troubled by many things, but I'm finding it hard to actually be happy in a loving relationship with my girlfriend. I guess I have a problem with switching off and taking the relationship as it comes. We love and care for each other immensely, and when we're together it's amazing. It's when we are apart that things get difficult for me. I have managed to deal with the insecurities of worrying about her loyalty by building up the trust as we went, but I cannot seem to remove certain worries from my mind. I have met up with a few boys, whom are her friends, who she has exlained to me were in a casual sexual relationship with her only a few weeks before I came into her life. I haven't been in a relationship before and so this concept isn't something which has ever appealed to me. Maybe I'm just more fragile and gentle than I should be. She has reassured me time and time again that her past is exactly that, in the past. But I can't erase the thoughts that are in my head. Even though the logical side of my brain says trusts and cares for her, there's a side of me that sinks into despair and aform of jealousy. I love her so much and the thought of anybody else having had her troubles me, but this is likely because of my lack of experience with relationships and her being my first. The fact she is still close friends with these individuals also troubles me but I do not know if this is a natural reaction of if I'm a bit too paranoid. She is able to just switch off and enjoy our relationship, but I spent a lot of time when we are not together either missing her or feeling that I don't match up. This must seem pathetic asking for advice when other people have genuine, more pressing issues, but we've been together for 6 months and I have never felt so down in all my life. She has no idea I'm feeling down and confused about the relationship because I don't want to worry her, and when we're together I don't have these worries.I don't know what to do to stop myself being consumed by despair and a feeling that I'm not good enough, even though she does nothing but comfort me and convince me I'm all she needs. She does nothing to fuel the worry in my head, I do it all myself. Is there any way I can learn to control these things or is it just a case of it becoming easier to cope with as time goes by? I feel like I'm going mad and I don't know if other people feel like or if I should seek professional help. Any help and advice, and just some support, would be greatly appreciated.Thanks,Jon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): Jon,I know exactly what you are going through. It is a serious issue, and one you should not be ashamed of. You are not being "paranoid."The question which I think bears further exploration is why it troubles you that she had these past affairs. You allude to the reason--that she is still friends with these people--but that is only delving into halfway. Why does it bother you that she is still friends with these people? Is it because you feel she may still have feelings for them? Or is it that it bothers you that she has had causal sex with them and therefore sex to her and intimacy for her does not have the same value it has for you? Do you fear you are just another warm body to sleep with and not someone special?I had a relationship with someone not so long ago. It was a friendship but there were elements of a romantic tie as well. She and I had different definitions of friendships and relationships. She would casually use language like "darling" and "love" to men she encountered. She also saw nothing wrong with sleeping with someone if they were attractive. I once pressed her on why she thought we were friends. She told me because I helped her with so many things and was there for her. I realized then that she saw me as a friend because of my utility to her, not as a person in my own right. If you really want to build a relationship with this woman, I think you need to discuss this. Perhaps she can stop talking with these people since it bothers you so much. And if she can't, perhaps you can discuss why she needs to have them in her life. And maybe you can talk about why you are different from these people, and why she loves you.The point is, you need to be operating from the same definitions of closeness, intimacy, and love. I don't think her past prevents that necessarily--but it makes that conversation--or many conversations, as long as it takes--necessary.Best of luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): What you have is called "retroactive jealousy" It's very common and normal.
Your sexual history is much different from hers. This is a bad sign for the relationship a lot of times. (To everyone else objecting to this comment, it is still just as true no matter how much you don't want it to be.)
Her sexual history didn't happen to her. She wasn't being raped. She chose to do that stuff over and over again. You would not have done that stuff in her place. That's a deep difference between you and her when it comes to the role of sex and morality in life. She can choose to feel differently now but she will always have been shaped by her decisions. Just like you have been shaped differently by yours.
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