A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for 6 years, as of this past April. We have a good relationship, by my reckoning. We have 1 son, who is 3 years old.I like to go out and try new restaurants, whereas she doesn't. I like to have friends over for dinner. Again, she doesn't. We've done it twice in the past 6 months, and both times I had to fight for it. We do have her family (Her parents or her sisters) over once or twice a week, or we visit them. That is her social outlet. My family lives far away. Furthermore, she goes to choir every Wednesday night. My son and I hang out then. Actually, I end up hanging out a lot with my son. 2 or 3 evenings a week, I'll take him to the park or to the arcade, and we'll spend 3-4 hours just the two of us. I love it. But I also crave interaction with my peers. I work from home, so I don't see people much, beyond our son, my wife, and her family.Tonight I'm meeting two guy friends for dinner. We're going to try a new Mexican restaurant. I love ethnic restaurants. My wife and I got into a minor argument earlier, and then she made one of those off-hand remarks that people make when they are angry, "Oh, go have fun with your friends. Leave me and your son to fend for ourselves tonight."I want to be a dependable husband, and I know that I am. Yet at the moment she said that, I felt like just leaving the house. I've never done that before, but I felt like leaving the house, and not coming back for a few days. Or weeks. I felt like doing it to show her how much I do for her, and yet she won't give me a few hours for myself?!? I thought, "Let's see how well she makes it without me"! She never goes to the store. I buy everything. She cooks 25% of the time, I cook the other 75%. She refuses to cook for me, because she says I'm too picky. Which is true. But she could still go to the store, and she loves the food I do cook! She doesn't go to the store because she says that she can't do it with our son, he's too much trouble. I go to the store all the time with him. He's a little rascal, but it's very doable. In the past 1.5 years, my wife has NEVER ONCE taken our son outside of the house, just the two of them. I take him to the park. I take him to the arcade. I work. I do everything. The only thing I don't do is clean, I'm admittedly not very neat, and we have a maid that comes once a week and cleans the bathrooms/kitchen, etc. My wife doesn't work. She stays home all day. She does the dishes and the laundry, and the rest of the cleaning.I love her. She's the light of my life. But when she won't even let me have some fellowship with my friends in peace, it really does drive me away. Any advice you can give? Honestly, I'm not expecting to get any useful advice from this site, but it can't hurt to try, and at the very least it does me good to vent my frustrations. Cheers to all!Sincerely,WiseFoolishManP.S.S. My wife is latina, from South America, and I'm from the U.S. Part of the problem with me going out with my friends is definitely cultural and/or how she was raised by her parents. To her, hanging out with family is great/normal, but friends don't really exist... We're currently living in South America near her family.... Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): Thanks for the advice, rcn and cupidguy. I just now got up the courage to read it.
The day I wrote this post I was really feeling bad. Today, I'm feeling good. Man, I see that this was almost 3 weeks ago.
Well, it would take me a while to post all of the current details of my relationship. Let me just say that first and foremost, I feel a lot better today than that day (which counts for something, right?). On that particular Sunday, after I posted this message, my wife and I talked it out; she was upset at me over something I had done that morning at church.
She saw our son with me in front of the Church building, which is right next to a busy street. There were tons of people there, probably 80 people out front. It's South America, so gathering like that doesn't seem odd to them at all :) In the U.S., we would do the same thing at the end of church, but inside the building :) Then, I started talking to someone, and she comes up to me and says "Where's our son?" I didn't know, but I wasn't worried. I mean, I figured that he probably found his cousin and was playing with him, or had gone to around the side of the church where he likes to play, which is only 10-15 meters away from we were. Well, she thought I was being irresponsible, because the front of the church is right next to a busy road. Our son is 3, going to be 4 in September, so he's still too little to be by himself next to a busy road.
Anyways, we talked everything out, and it took a few days and we did have one other heated argument that week, but the last 2 weeks have been heated argument free (we've still had arguments :), so for now everything has been smooth sailing. I haven't gone to any social events on my own since that Sunday, but tonight I've got plans with some friends.
My wife and I are good friends. Very good friends. In fact, at this moment in my life, I don't see or talk to friends much, so hands down she's my best friend :)
Oh well. I could keep on with my own advice (Stick your marriage out, no matter what happens), or more about myself, but what's the point? Life's hard, we just try to live it, right? Take care,
WiseFoolishMan
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (30 June 2008):
 Looking at your story, you're a good husband, and a good father. It's nice with the time you spend with your son and not having the "she sticks me with him all the time attitude."
Have you asked her why she feels this way? Her perception may be different than yours, and no less important. What is important is understanding eachothers views in a nonjudgemental way. You have reason to go out. Reading this I would agree with you. Everyone should be free enough to take a break in a marriage. Your not asking her to do something that violates your marriage.
By looking at what you do vs. what she does and this situation, I'd say she has a dependant personality. She can do her things, but when it comes to you doing something, if she's not involved it's a "false" level of insecurity she receives by your level of independence.
In a marriage generally she would have her life, you'd have yours, and then your life together. The way she views it is she has her life, then you have your life together.
Here is what I think you should do, in a way of bringing her out a bit, and receiving more out of the marriage. She has her evening out. You choose your evening. Equal time, written on paper. Even if you just see a movie, you need that time as well. Then once a week or beginning every other week plan a date night for the both of you. Your married to eachother, and just as everything else, the marriage needs focus as well. This will begin to allow more equality. By doing this, the dependent fears she holds will begin disappearing. She'll see it's okay for both of you to have free time, and that time will not interfere with your being married.
I hope this helps. Take care.
...............................
|
