A
male
age
41-50,
*amarpan
writes:Need more help please advice my friend whom i love more than anything still hurting me.Me and my friend r coworkers. She was my schoolmates for two years but we don't know each other very much. when she joins she has a boyfriend who is going to marry someone else they did not marry each other becoz of religion. I was attracted toward her right from the school though she did not know. When I proposed to her she neither refused nor accepted. When again I proposed, after 6 months, said u will cry as she knew we could not marry each other becoz of religion. She is mature. We became friend even close friend kisses etc. but no sex. She married someone else after 2yrs. Initially she avoided me but later on she become again close friend to me this is becoz first, she do not want to hurt me and second her husband away from her(another country)and I was good close friend to her whom she talks 24hrs. I kiss her also but this is always started by me she never rarely when she is happy becoz of mine contribution to her happiness. Otherwise she feels repentant after kisses sometimes becoz of her husband. now overall i have spent 5yrs with her in love,for me (shy guy)who happens first time a love it is a true love, trust me and I feel she also loves me truly.now her husband is back, she avoiding me keeping conversation as less as possible but making hi-hello contact properly whenever she comes.my question why cant we good friend i do not want kisses but i want to be her best good friend but she probably do not want. I am feeling depressed i tried to overcome this feeling going with few friend spend time but she still remains with me 24 hrs even i went vacation but could not forget her. i could not make friends much as i am shy also becoz of her now also.But this depression, lonliness,sadness is eating me away day by day inside.since she is a coworker i cant run away from her infact i also do not want.I feel if she becomes my friend i would focus on my career and life properly (unmarried now).Is it wrong to have a good friendship with a married friend i mean no kisses as we have earlier, but be a good friend.Why she is avoiding or behaving like this to me, this is hurting me , i feel like giving abusive language to her but since she has never hurt me in this relationship she always take care of me, she infact warned before i proposed her.what should i do i cant forget her it is hurting me too much i am shy guy not much friend life is dwindling....please advice me
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): You shouldn't be her 'friend' because in your heart you have romantic feelings for her. If you didn't find her the least bit attractive and if you were not at all interested in her romantically and only see her as like your sister or aunt or mother, then no harm in being friends but this isn't your situation. the truth is that you actually wish to be with her and have already had romantic relationship with her, therefore, any 'friendship' from you isn't pure friendship it is just a way to be close to her in any way you can.this is going to be very bad for YOU because you want more but it's not possible. How can this kind of situation ever end your sadness and depression? of course it can't. therefore, the more you see her the more YOU are hurting yourself. it's time to take personal responsibility for healing yourself. Pull yourself away from her and stop all contact with her. Even though you are coworkers you still have to do this. Eventually if you keep staying away from her for long enough (which can be months or even a couple of years), you will some day feel less depressed and sad and lonely. initially it will hurt more than seeing her, but in the long run this is the only way you can get on with your life.right now by wanting to stay friends with her you're just choosing short-term relief over long term unhappiness and trouble. So this is what you should do:1. Make the decision to have no more contact with her, not even 'friends.' realize that because you have romantic feelings for her, therefore you can't be a normal friend. 2. Inform her of your decision to stop all contact and why. Therefore when you stop talking to her completely she will not find it strange. It would be a bit rude to simply change your behavior to her without explanation, so that's why you are explaining it. But do not accept any negotiation from her to change your mind. No matter how she reacts, you must stick with the plan, it is not up for discussion, you are simply informing her of what you will do and she has no say in it because this is for YOUR health, not for her.3. Then you have to stick with your plan. Change your routine until you can change your job. Make it a priority to change your job as soon as possible. Getting your life and happiness back is worth more than any job.
A
male
reader, MajorDisplayerOfInternationalPlayerBehavior  +, writes (13 February 2012):
 Okay, you must be respectful of her marriage. And beware of the jealousy that could arise from her husband. What do you think the consequences would be if you tried to come between her and the husband? Not a good thought.
I would say, remain friends, respect her marriage, realize that she has to keep a distance from you because her hubby is back.
This is for everyone's best interest to keep a distance until either they divorce, or she lets you know that it is okay to have a close friendship. You don't want to get in between a husband and wife, trust me.
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