A
male
age
51-59,
*wo_outta_three
writes:I am madly in love and constantly dream about this woman. I cannot get enough of her...But, my brain disagrees. There are real signs that something is really wrong with her... She can't manage money. She cries at the drop of a hat (we can be out having a great time, and suddenly... tears!). Her family is bizarre, always broke, always drama, always in our business -- now Mom moved into her home! I always live following my heart, but expect my brain to later agree. In this case, after 12 months of dating, my brain is screaming run! How do you solve these internal struggles?
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male
reader, two_outta_three +, writes (11 September 2011):
two_outta_three is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your wonderful and thoughtful responses. I guess you're all confirming what I feel.... My love for her is immense - all I do is think about and dream about her! But when we are together, this crazy occasionally comes out of no where. I am pretty confident I know what is best for my personal happiness.
Someone mentioned bipolar. I know she was on anti-depressent meds, but claims to be off them (but then occassionally refers to "brain zaps" and claims they are a result of the old anti-depressants...). So I don't know about bipolar, but depression is in the family blood (mom has it too).
Thanks for your valuable input!
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (11 September 2011):
 Hi,
Follow your brain, not your heart. In a relationship, love is not enough, love don't conquer all. If you feel this way now, after 1 year? Things will only get worst. We all have problems, money issues, but we are strong, and carry on. Why cry suddenly, whenever you both are having a good time? She's emotionally unstable, you know that. So, just know if you continue, you have to accept her the way she's, with all the drama, problems, issues, etc. Can you handle? If you stay, you have no one to blame but yourself.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (11 September 2011):
She sounds pretty emotionally unstable. You're right to consider these issues as red flags. this isn't really a tug of war between your heart and brain. Your heart is both in love with her (or rather, in infatuation) *and* is also balking at some other aspects of her. Both are emotional reactions. If her crying at the drop of a hat and her poor money management didn't elicit a visceral negative emotional response from you (because you know it's not normal or healthy), then you wouldn't be concerned about it. in other words, if you want to see yourself as someone who follows his heart, then be rest assured that if you make decisions based on these red flags you still are following your heart.
I think that you should pay attention to these negative issues and what can be done to address them, because:
(a) the "in love" feeling that you have now, will probably wear off or lessen at some point in the not too distant future. All new relationships start with infatuation but this phase wears off after several months or up to around 2 or 3 years, and then what's left is the "real" relationship from there on out, if by then you're "committed" or the relationship has become a marriage. So dont' count on your present "in love" feeling to sustain you through the negative aspects indefinitely while the negatives continue unchanged, they won't. The negative aspects have to be addressed and resolved or managed in a productive way.
(b) even if you do stay in love, our human psychology is such that negative aspects/interactions tend to carry more weight or have longer lasting impact on our psyche than positive ones. Psychologists have found that for intimate relationships to be happy and healthy the positives have to vastly outweigh the negatives in the relationship, not just be barely equal or just balanced.
How about talking with her to find out how she sees herself and the world around her. for example does she see her wide and unpredictable mood swings as problematic? If not for herself, what about for a relationship that she's part of? Or does she believe that it's the boyfriend's job to make everything better so she can feel OK again? if you can start a dialogue with her about these issues that concern you, you may be in a better position to decide what to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2011): None of us is perfect and no family drama free in my experience anywaySo I guess its down to how much you love her, your not dating her folks just her. If you can't cope with her mood swings then fair enough,finish it. Speaking as somebody who is useless with money as I never can earn enough as prices rise, and am single, I dont think thats a major problem.I think you've had enough of her regardless.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2011): I think you need to listen to your brain in this case because it sounds like it will end up in a bad situation. She may be depressed or bipolar or a combination of those.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (11 September 2011):
 I hate to say it but your brain is in the right in this situation. If you stay with her life is going to be stuffed full of never ending drama and strife. I bet if you really examine how you feel about her it's more of a need to protect her than love??
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