A
male
age
36-40,
*reelove
writes:Hello everyone,This is my first time writing, I'd really like some good advice with the situation I am in involving myself and my ex girlfriend/girlfriend - this I will explain below. There is so much to consider it will be difficult for me to explain all of it. I appreciate any help or advice.The short version is that I broke up with my girlfriend in June 2010 for various reasons. There was no cheating or anything horrible, but a mixture of many things that became too much to handle and I felt like we were not bringing out the best in each other. After 6 months I wanted to get back together with her. She went to South America and spent three days with a guy. She slept with him 3 times and with protection. Or so she told me. This is just one aspect of our current situation, some of the rest is explained below.She, let’s call her T, had an alcoholic mother for most her life up until two years ago. Her father was absent and cheated on T's mother. As a result, T was the eldest sister of two and she became responsible for her younger sister by two years, let’s call her C. Their mother is in a good space now and seems to have conquered her alcoholism. There was a lot of moving around and difficulties in their lives which resulted from their alcoholic mother which I couldn't even mention. As far as I know, and I believe her, there was no sexual abuse.T and I fell in love very quickly, initially I knew her younger sister and was interested in her. I found out that she (C) had cheated on many boyfriends and I was almost one of the guys unknowingly. I trusted my gut and got out before it went anywhere.I then met T and we hit it off amazingly, I felt like we loved all the same things like the outdoors and traveling, etc, and we seemed to believe in the same things. We moved in very quickly, slept together within the first week of seeing each other because it just felt right and we were happy. I was concerned that she slept with me so quickly but passed this off.I learned that T had two abusive and manipulative boyfriends that influenced her into taking drugs such as cocaine and ecstasy. T also told me at a later point that she felt as though her relationship with her first boyfriend revolved around sex. The sex and drugs seemed to play a role in her relationship with her second boyfriend.She has said that this has been the first healthy relationship that she has been in and has never loved or trusted in this way before. We had discussed living a life together. Since the beginning I have tried to instill trust and honesty as being the most important aspects of a relationship.Along the way there have been many lies. Some the type I can understand in some way as a result of T wanting to protect herself. She is a very sweet girl and I feel as though I always want to protect her, more on this later however. Her lies, surrounding questions I have asked her around drug and sex came out through inconsistencies and flat out lies that we spoke about and worked through. There have been lies about breaking things at home and various other small and medium things. She lies even though she doesn't have to. I am calm, and if anyone has any kind of temper or raises a voice it will be T. She has in the past during her frustrations banged her head on the wall on one occasion and scratched her face on another. I usually give into her temper because she has had a lot of hurt in her life, I don't want to add to it.None of this is directly part of my current problem, for those of you that endure this long question, I thank you. I feel as though I need to give a fairly well rounded account of us and this is why I have told you the above.Let me move forward a little bit. We broke up because we were living right on top of each other in a one bedroom apartment, she was for the first time dealing with the aftermath of her mother. T and C moved away to a city 5 hours away from their mother. Their father is playing a more active role in their loves, both emotionally and financially. He drinks a lot too and only expresses emotion in drunken moments via the telephone. This angers T but she never tells him this. She is always nice to him. I felt restricted by our relationship, and I wasn't seeing my family or friends. T was insecure about everything in our relationship. One thing T has always had an incredible amount of confidence is with her sexuality and in bed. T has a difficult time making friends. I'm not entirely sure why, I find her an incredibly likable and lovable person. I am wondering now if I have been blinded by something.To get TO THE POINT:I went to South America for two months while we were still broken up. While we were apart I missed her and wanted to get back together again. While she was away and toward the end of her trip she spent 3 days with a guy whom she slept with straight away. They slept together 3 times, she told me. She got back, I wanted to be with her still. I knew about her relations with the guy through a mutual friend. She told me about him. She told me they used protection. We have spent the last 8 weeks falling in love again and discussing what went wrong and how we can fix it. She is still hurt and angry with me for ending it. I have been doing everything to try to show her my love from endless conversations about our relationship to poems and letters, to candlelit beach dinners, to a weekend away etc.She has been in contact with this guy over email. She told me this. She said she hasn't given him her number. She lied about this and lied about him calling her. This is all happening while seeing me. He is far away but they have spoken about maybe meeting up somewhere again in the future. She told me this only after she told me she lied. She is not willing to show me the emails and has not been willing to cut off the contact, saying that it had developed into a friendship. I find this difficult to believe, T does not have any close guy friends that she emails or spends time with. She says she won’t show me the emails out of principal for her privacy. I say that it is spoiling our relationship because I want to be able to trust her. I know this seems odd, but I feel as though she could make me feel better by proving that she isn't cheating on me via email. She only told him two days ago that we had been seeing each other and trying again. I love her and know she has been hurt so I have endured.All of this hasn't been big enough to end it with her until tonight. I noticed a redness on my penis, at the base. I have not been with anyone sexually since T. I asked her about it and it turned out that on the first time having sex with this guy that didn't use a condom initially. She then told me they slept together 4 times when before it was only three. Another lie. Is she telling the truth now? The unprotected sex part broke me. I couldn't believe it because I feel that this has potentially put my life at risk. What if he is HIV positive or has AIDS? How could she lie to me about this? We do not always put on condoms straight away (this we did after we took a test together when we first got together). The past two months have been moving towards really sharing a life together, having discussed plans together over the next two years, including travelling, marriage, family, children. I feel so hurt. I cannot believe she would make such a huge lie.I know the above seems incredibly convoluted. There is just so much information and I am having a hard time expressing it and dealing with the outcome of tonight's conversation. I have not shared my shortcomings but they do not involve other sexual partners. They revolve around my having broken up with her because our relationship was too much to handle and became a constant source of daily anxiety where I felt I carried the load.Isn't this a huge deal? This latest lie? I just do not know what to think right now, my heart and my mind feel numb and I cannot process all of this.I don’t know what other information to give you. If you have any questions or would like me to go into anything further please ask.Thank you for your time.
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alcoholic, broke up, condom, confidence, drugs, drunk, ex girlfriend, fell in love, get back together, hiv , insecure, moved in, my ex, my penis, she lies, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): I'm sorry, but If you stay with this woman than you deserve what you get. ALL the warning signs are there. This is a classic example of an unhealthy attraction and hoping to be able to "fix" someone. As far as her loving you with a "selfish" love, there is no such thing. Like I have said here before, wanting someone, craving someone, lusting for someone, needing someone, being afraid to be without someone are NOT signs of any form of love. Love is a selfless, generous, HONEST, beautiful thing. Many people do not even know how to love someone. You must be willing to put anothers needs ahead of your own. The thing is, for a relationship to work, you BOTH must feel that way and have mutual trust and respect for each other. There simply is no other way.
A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (28 February 2011):
 "When she was with the guy in South America we were still broken up. I'm not sure if I made that clear." Sadly, the status of your relationship has no bearing on the outcome of the test. Please get tested now. I'm not sure if I made that clear and I'm not trying to be a wise guy. If you're not alive how are you going to help her if this ultimately what you decide to do. Please, get tested now.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (28 February 2011):
When your mother said to you "for the first time ever...said that maybe it is time for me to move on because this lie is inexcusable to anyone let alone someone you supposedly love deeply." Keeping in mind I am a stranger, I think your mother truly loves you and your mother has "had enough" of this woman's behavior. As you mentioned this lie could cost you your life. I think in the past your mother was trying to look out for your best interests while allowing you the time and space to come to the same conclusion on your own without feeling like she is 'mothering you' or 'telling you what to do'. The conclusion being to move on.
"I feel she wants other people to think of her as sexy" I concur. I think this is what she is doing and once again, I'm a stranger living half way around the world but I can see it from here.
"I just don't want my loving her to be my demise." It very well could be.
"What if I get tested...I can't even bring myself to write it" Yes. Exactly. One step at a time, get tested and cross that bridge if and when you get to it but please get tested now.
"just wants people to like and accept her" I think she uses her sexuality to control people and fill the need within herself to have people "like and accept her".
"The slightest thing could bring her to cry and I would melt" this may be another behavior of hers she knows works to control people, in this case you. She uses it as she uses sex.
"I know she loves me but I feel like it may be a selfish love" I concur, it very well may be a selfish love.
"she hears that I'm helping anyone especially a female, she asks why I couldn't put that help and effort into our relationship last year." I think this is another example of things she uses to control you.
So far I see sex, tears/cry and guilt as behaviors she uses to control you and or your behavior.
"This, as it came out last night, was also a lie" I am not surprised. She lies and cannot help herself. This is something she needs to change on her own. You can't do it for her or help her do it.
"she says that i just have to be patient. I understand this but I wonder whether she will ever heal." If you choose to be patient, be patient at a distance. Whether she heals or not it's not up to you it's up to her. Because of her you now have 'BIGGER FISH TO FRY' meaning you must get tested. This is your life!
"Her biggest dream is to get married, have a family and a home." She may be thinking these things will 'change' her. External things won't change her. She has to find the desire and strength/power from within to change.
"a few paragraphs try in vein to explain an entire relationships complexities and extent." This is true but it is also interesting to note . . . you consciously or sub-consciously chose to write about these things.
"I am telling you this because I just wonder if her whole family dynamic is so dysfunctional then what are the chances of her having a healthy, loving and trustworthy relationship?" Are you asking me to put 'odds' on the situation such as gambling odds? If this is the case I would say today the odds/chances of her having a "healthy, loving and trustworthy relationship" are almost zero. And I think you are gambling with your life. The only hope I see is if T has a spiritual awakening. I have seen it happen. It doesn't happen often but it does happen.
"I also wonder if she met any guy that was into her, would she want to be with him or get some kind of attention from him because she has a craving to be be wanted, loved and desired?" When I read this I thought about these 2 things you wrote "Her father was absent" and "their father has devastating relationships" I think as a child T did not feel "wanted and loved" by her father and this created a deep-seated 'need' within her that she is trying desperately to fill but is going about it in a very unhealthful and self-destructive way.
"Could we ever work?" I don't mean to sound corny or religious but I'm going to say it anyway with God anything is possible. The love of my life and I are living proof. We should have died last year in a horrible horrible car accident but we are alive.
"Can Love win?" Yes. "Can our Love win?" Yes but not as it is now. "Can it beat all of this?" Yes. "Am I crazy to even consider it?" No, not at all. Pray. Pray for guidance, pray to recognize the guidance, and pray for strength to do what you are guided to do. But above all pray. Our truck rolled 5 times, hit a tree, the roof caved in. We should be dead. We are alive. Prayer works.
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A
male
reader, Treelove +, writes (28 February 2011):
Treelove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe knew this guy for such a short time and then slept with him. She doesn't know what he has i.e STDs or AIDS and she slept with me telling me that they had used protection. It was on the very first time that they didn't use protection for part of it. Isn't that crazy? And this guy has been travelling around the world, managed to get her into bed almost instantly. Why was she so stupid? And why did she lie when she could ruin my health and life?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): Stop trying to be a hero or some romantic romeo saving this poor girl and showing her the light (as in your her saviour and showing her love and affection will save her soul) You can blame drugs, bad upbringing and the lot, but she's an adult and she's making conscious decisions to keep in contact and lie to you about it. And she's having unprotected sex (the times she's telling you about at least) so now it's not a question of fidelity, it's a question of your health, even your life and moving forward in that life, is this the woman you really want to invest anymore emotional input into? She doesn't want to be saved, and it's not your fault, if she still wants to contact the dude let her, just don't be a doormat and wait her her to come back to you. Get away now. You still have the rest of your life to find Ms Right...or the few Ms Close to anyway. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Treelove +, writes (28 February 2011):
Treelove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel as though I must add that she hasn't cheated on me. When she was with the guy in South America we were still broken up. I'm not sure if I made that clear.
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A
male
reader, Treelove +, writes (28 February 2011):
Treelove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe I do have a sexual obsession with her as you have suggested. What does it mean to have a sexual obsession? I'm going to give this some thought.
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A
male
reader, Treelove +, writes (28 February 2011):
Treelove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Firstlovelastlove and Kilcardy. I really appreciate your responses and your advice. Thank you once again. I am going to take an HIV test today. I will also put some more info, if you have any other advice it will always be appreciated.
My mother has always supported our relationship, but when I phoned her at midnight last night she got very angry at T and was very disappointed, and of course now worried about me. My mom in many ways understood T quite well, having also grown up with an alcoholic guardian for a time in her childhood. I'm not sure if this is relavent of not but to me it shows the magnitude of a lie such as this. I have told my mother about other lies and she has always been able to give me advice as to why she has lied, not excusing it but helping me understand it. When I told her last night, she...for the first time ever...said that maybe it is time for me to move on because this lie is inexcusable to anyone let alone someone you supposedly love deeply.
I love her. And by love's definition I've always liked M Scott Pecks account of it: "The willingness to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own and another's spiritual growth". My loving is not perfect, I can be stubborn and self righteous, and have many other attributes that can be difficult. But, I am always my own worst critic because I want to try and improve in which ever way I can and I can only do this if I am honest with myself. I feel as though loving T doesn't always make me a better person. I become afraid of things like what she wears, sometimes semi see-through garments, Brazilian bikinis that show off half of her bum etc. Am I being silly or old fashioned? I know I am digressing but I feel as though I am insecure about the fact that she needs to feel sexy. She is always buying new lacy underwear and sometimes keeps 2 or 3 different underwear in her bag. I don't think she has ever or is cheating because I know she really loves me (in a sense, barring this last lie?) but feels the need to be sexy. She is a children's physical movement and ballet teacher and says she likes to have fresh panties. I feel ridiculous talking about this but it bothers me. In a sense, the bother is that it makes me feel insecure about us because I feel she wants other people to think of her as sexy. I feel as though I don't need anyone else to think I am anything because all I care about is how she feels about me.
I just don't want my loving her to be my demise. I thought it could really work and we were getting ready to commit to each other even thought there has been all of this hurt. For the first time I could see it in her eyes, the realization of the potential of such a lie. What if I get tested...I can't even bring myself to write it.
My friends and family really like her a lot, but they don't see these other sides to her. She is incredibly sweet and shy and just wants people to like and accept her. She cries a lot, during our relationship she would cry all the time about many things. The slightest thing could bring her to cry and I would melt even though sometimes the crying was as a result of her lying about something.
She tried to phone me this morning but I could not bring myself to answer. When she left last night she was crying and told me she loved me, I know she loves me but I feel like it may be a selfish love. She also said that part of her feels switched off to this because of how she felt after I broke up with her last year. She doesn't like me helping other people, whenever she hears that I'm helping anyone especially a female, she asks why I couldn't put that help and effort into our relationship last year.
When we spoke on friday on the phone I asked her if she had any contact from the guy she met in South America. I asked her because I could see she was on her email when we were on the phone (in gmail, one can see who is online). She told me she was banking and had no contact nor had she emailed him. This, as it came out last night, was also a lie. She did get an email from him.
Sometimes I feel like she is just not there anymore. When I ask her about it she says that i just have to be patient. I understand this but I wonder whether she will ever heal. She gets so angry about so many things. Her biggest dream is to get married, have a family and a home. Am I crazy thinking about this life with her? I know you have answered this in a way but it is very difficult to let it go, especially when a few paragraphs try in vein to explain an entire relationships complexities and extent.
More concerns...
Her sister cheated on her boyfriend while they were in South America together, their father has devastating relationships, their mom is alone. She spends a lot of time with her sister. Her sister, C, got drunk and slept with a guy in an alley outside the club. She then broke up with her boyfriend when she got back and he had no idea why. She told him after a while at least. Her sister is also sometimes bulimic, binge drinks and eats but at the same time is highly intelligent and functional in other ways. She hides all of the others but I know this through T. I am telling you this because I just wonder if her whole family dynamic is so dysfunctional then what are the chances of her having a healthy, loving and trustworthy relationship? Could we ever work? Am I a being big fool?
I also wonder if she met any guy that was into her, would she want to be with him or get some kind of attention from him because she has a craving to be be wanted, loved and desired?
She says she is not her sister, she has always been the responsible one. I can see that. But there are all these other unhealthy aspects. Can Love win? Can our Love win? Can it beat all of this? Am I crazy to even consider it? I just feel like I can't get a birds eye view right now, my perspective feels so warped and then I keep thinking what if i get AIDS because she lied to me about having unprotected sex. It makes me feel sick and disgusting and like a fool.
Please help, any further advice. Anything that sheds light is truly appreciated. Thank you.
Treelove.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): She is too much,you end up in unhappiness for the rest of your years. she has confidence,you havent seen the full extent but you will.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): Run don't walk.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (28 February 2011):
"She lies even though she doesn't have to." It has been my experience that people who lie when they don't have to lie because they can't help themselves and this will not change. Is this something you are willing to accept?"I usually give into her temper because" it doesn't matter why you "give into her" she knows you'll "give into her" and will manipulate you to do this."I felt restricted by our relationship, and I wasn't seeing my family or friends." This is no coincidence and it is not by accident it is planned to be this way by T."I love her and know she has been hurt so I have endured." Maybe this is true or maybe it's sex. "her relationship with her first boyfriend revolved around sex. The sex and drugs seemed to play a role in her relationship with her second boyfriend." "T was insecure about everything in our relationship. One thing T has always had an incredible amount of confidence is with her sexuality and in bed.""Is she telling the truth now?" I would say no she is not, of course she is not, she's not capable of it."Isn't this a huge deal?" Yes it is. On its own it is a huge deal. Put together with the other lies and I have to wonder if you don't have a sexual obsession with this woman. Go to a doctor immediately.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy  +, writes (28 February 2011):
To answer your question: Yes, this is a huge deal. It sounds to me as if you are going to get stampeded in your quest to save this woman who has basically revealed to you that she is untrustworthy, selfish, disloyal, and who derives her self-esteem through her sexuality. The odds are not with this relationship surviving. And, now you're worried she may have compromised your health. You need to reassess what it is you are doing and whether you want this person in your life. Good luck.
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