A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can I endure a relationship with a woman I love very much but to whom I am no-longer sexually attracted to what-so-ever, even though as a result that would mean having to look for extra-marital sex?
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female
reader, ANONYMOUSFEMALE +, writes (4 August 2010):
You posted this a while ago and I'm curious to know if you ever sorted it out. Look into what it is that's causing you to not feel attracted to her. Do you have children together and if so maybe it's the way life has become for you both, stuck in a rut and not able to see your wife for the gorgeous sexy person you first met. What is it you don't like or are you secretly enjoying the advances of other women and lusting after them. Why don't you try to rekindle some of the romance and be spontaneous, maybe because she's made to feel ugly it's coming through. I went through this problem too with my husband and I would be happy to see if you resolved this issue as to be honest I don't know if I really ever got our relationship sorted. I feel deeply for you both as we both have tried to make things better and they do for a while but deep down she will always know that she's just not what you want.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): the only thing to do then is to release her so that she can go out and find her soul mate. you have decided that she is not yours, so stop wasting her life anymore and allow her the freedom to choose a man who will be proud of her and a man who will love her, faults and all. simple. do not be one of those selfish men who do not release their wives/gf's, they obviously do not want them but they selfishly hold on thoo these women, wasting their lives, until the bitter end.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): I have been in the same situation. I was with my husband for a long time and although I loved him very much, which was more than just companionship, but yet I just didn't want to sleep with him. I found my self fantasing about other men. Then I actually ended up sleeping with someone else and I did that for quite a while, but everytime I slept with this other bloke I felt so guilty. The other guy wanted me to leave my husband but I truly loved my husband and broke off the affair with this otehr guy. The other guy really showed me how much I needed a good sex life and it helped me to talk things through with my partner. I think in order to decide what you should do, you need to know the reason why your not atracted to her any more. Has she changed alot physically? Have you had children? This can be the biggest cause of lack of intimacy. Why don't you see her as atractive any more? Maybe it's emmotional problems with her. Or maybe, plain and simply, your just borred. I did have an affair and I still have that on my mind to this day, but it did do our relationship alot of good. Im not saying you should do he same. You have to try and talk to her about it. Men hate taling about stuff like this and it is really hard to bring up bad things to someone you love. But you can't go on like this forever. Try suggesting somethings that would help make you more attracted to her. Not too much change at once or she'll get suspicious and I know you don't want to hurt her feelings. I'm sure you love her, but your not 'in' love with her. That feeling allways fizzles out after a while, but if your lucky and put the work in those feelings can come back! You can get excited again about this relationship, you just need the right frame of mind- good luck
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (29 September 2009):
 Well said, PAN!
It is common for the end of sexual attraction to be the first sign that whatever the couple is doing is not working. That does not mean it can not be remedied, but if you are unable to work together for a common happiness (which includes a mutually satisfying sex-life) then you may have confused love for (as PAN eloquently put it) the "comfort of championship".
You may care for her. You may wish the best for her. You may even enjoy the life you both have created together to a degree, but that is not the same as emotional and sexual intimacy necessary for sustaining love.
Do not cheat. Before you get to that stage, you owe it to her and to yourself to free each other from an unsatisfactory relationship so you can pursue something healthier.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (29 September 2009):
Well said, PAN!
It is common for the end of sexual attraction to be the first sign that whatever the couple is doing is not working. That does not mean it can not be remedied, but if you are unable to work together for a common happiness (which includes a mutually satisfying sex-life) then you may have confused love for (as PAN eloquently put it) the "comfort of championship".
You may care for her. You may wish the best for her. You may even enjoy the life you both have created together to a degree, but that is not the same as emotional and sexual intimacy necessary for sustaining love.
Do not cheat. Before you get to that stage, you owe it to her and to yourself to free each other from an unsatisfactory relationship so you can pursue something healthier.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 September 2009):
Hell no, don't do that! Look at the relationship and see what is it that's preventing you from being sexually attracted to her. This can be saved. Please try and save it. If you decide you're not sexually attracted to her and it can't be fixed, then you must leave. Din't have an affair. Imagine how she will feel if she ever found out. A millions times worse. Try to fix it first (talk to her!) but if not, please leave her to find someone else who will love her and be attracted to her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2009): First of all I want to say that I am going through the same situation that you are. My boyfriend says he loves me but is not in love with me and that has a lot to do with the fact that he does not want to be close like that. I will say that if all actuality you should not be with her unless you will become sexually attracted to her at one point. She will be able to tell that you aren't and things will just get worse between the two of you.
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