A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this girl, for some 5 months. In the beginning everything was great, we were both very happy. In fact I never felt so happy in my life. We went in a few trips together and everything was just fine.We talked about getting married and even arranged our wedding day (in 2012) However, lately, things started getting bad.She keeps telling me that she's doesn't trust me anymore because of some really minor lies (and I really mean minor, like one night i told her that i went straight to bed and the other night i told her that actually I spent some time on-line before going to bed). And now she's tells me that she thinks everything I tell her is a lie and that she really thinks I don't deserve her. I tried my best to keep her happy, fought with my friends and family over her, neglected my friends and family, my hobbies and everything. Every once i while when I go out with my friends for a beer, she doesn't like it, she tells me that she feels bad and a couple of days ago, we had an argument, she told me that she hated me. Later that evening I went out with my mates, had a few beers. She called later in the evening, told me she's sorry and everything was fine until I told her about me going out with the boys. She got upset, because I didn't tell her that I am going out. But, I didn't think that she really cared what I was doing when she told me that she hates me a few hours before. She gets upset every night, we talk for hours, I try to tell her to get over things that bother her but she says she can't get over them and that she doesn't want to get over them.I feel bad, but it's not my fault. I did everything the best way I could and I don't think it's my fault. Everyday it's the same now, during the day she's fine but in the night she keeps repeating me that she doesn't trust me, and that I don't love her and that she's too good for me.I love her, and i want to be with her, but I can't resist this pressure anymore. What should I do? She gets upset way yo easily.She's very sensitive, i know, but still
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female
reader, FluffyPie  +, writes (7 October 2010):
 OK, first off, once a woman smells a lie or let's say "not telling ALL the truth", you can say good bye to her trust. We tend to over-analyze everything, we feel left out if you don't give us the attention we need. The realistic need of attention that is.
I think 5 months it's not very long and I think it's still time for you to get to know each other and build trust up.
What intrigued me is this: "She got upset, because I didn't tell her that I am going out. But, I didn't think that she really cared what I was doing when she told me that she hates me a few hours before." - when she is upset, it doesn't mean she hates you and she doesn't care about you for those "few hours".
No offense dude, but you seem a bit shallow and you tend to miss the point in this relationship. I know that you're not forced into telling her every move you make, you need your space, you need to go out with your friends, it's only normal. But to adjust, in a relationship and to make things change, you should lose something you've been used to for your entire life. It's OK to go out for some beer, but if you had a fight, it's irrational for you to think that she hates you and that she probably doesn't want you in her life anymore. That doesn't mean you have to keep things to yourself, just to become her competitor - if she hates me (for now), I have the right to do whatever I feel like (for now), and you'd probably flirt with other people, for instance. When you make up, you both say "Sorry" and then, later on, she finds out about your little "escapade", and then, what will be your answer? "You know, you hated me back then, so I was looking for some love on someone else". I'm just saying, I've noticed a lot of relationships that fail at building trust up because of some momentary mistake from the past, because they had a little fight, and one of them wasn't able to put up with this and got too offended.
On the other hand, if she's checking on your every step, I think she's got insecurity issues and from what I can tell, you don't seem like the kind of guy willing to put up with her and her issues.
If you've lied to her and now you do your best to regain her trust and there is not positive reaction from her, it's either you're doing something wrong, either she has serious issues, and this is none of your problem, it's her, who should seek for professional help. Either way, this is unhealthy.
Mistrust is NEVER something you can begin with in a relationship. This is not a relationship what you have. It's you and her pretending you have a relationship. If she doesn't trust you enough, you can't build other things together. No one said that you have to move fast, but once you got her mistrust, there is no fast "cure".
So, answer to yourself: are you sure you want to spend your life with this girl? Are you ready to give her the attention she needs? Are you willing to put up with her insecurity? Does she really make you feel happy? Or it's just infatuation ?
Best wishes!
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