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male
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*elticFire
writes: I've been dating a great girl for 1.5 years. The relationship has been somewhat long distance (about 2-3 hours driving one-way). She's only my second girlfriend, and the first girl I've been intimate with. Part of me wants to date other girls, and part of me wants to stay with her and find a way to make it work.I think I want to meet other girls mostly because we've had such a struggle making time for each other. I work full time and take night classes. Then I take long drives to meet her. Between work, class and her, I've entirely alienated my own guy friends who I almost never talk to anymore. When we talk about a future together, it always involves me moving to the city, near her, after I finish school. The thought of living in the city bothers me (I like where I live now), and the places I want to work at for my career are not there. The idea of moving there scares the crap out of me - but I also know that she wouldn't be able to find a good job in her career in the type of neighborhood I'd like to live in.Also, I feel she's very critical of me. For example, if we go out dancing, she tells me that I'm really bad (which is true), and won't dance with me. There's things I like doing even if I'm lousy at them - and I'm willing to get better so it's more fun for her and even take lessons when I'm done with school. But I still want to be able to go out and have fun with her even if I'm bad.With all this, I felt it was better to try to end our relationship. But every time I try to tell her that I need a break, I feel like I'm ripping her heart out. I can't bear to do that, so by the time the conversation is over, we're back together again. I really love her, and if we could make it work I think I could even marry her someday - but I'm so tired, so stressed, and feel like such a chump that I don't look forward to seeing her on the weekends anymore.Can anyone offer some advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2006): realising that we are all differnt can be a shocking experience for anyone who cant see past themselves... you do need to get through to her that you are an individual with your own tastes and out look on life.
dont allow yourself to become a £mini me" of her.. if she truly loves you she will allow you to blossom, however much you feel you are no good at things that she laughs at...be more assertive, take a leaf out of her book... after all there is only you who is hurting here by the sounds of it.... ask yourself "do i want to live like this"...if the answer is 100% "no".. remember you will only hurt her and yourself more if you stay in a relationship where your heart is not 100% with it.. if answer is "yes" then i recommend that a good long talk is needed to sort things out.. best wishes
A
female
reader, Maizey_J +, writes (23 November 2005):
Im in the same situation, sort of. My boyfriend (well ex) lives 310 miles away which is like 5hours on the motorway. We both love each other. It is very difficult. I have my life here and he has his there. When he split with me it was for the same reason. It did feel as though my heart had been ripped in two, but we are still friends. Have you ever talked about her moving to you, or meeting halfway. then she could commute to work. people do that everyday. You are lucky to be able to see her that often. I got to see my bfriend like once a month. You could try and alternate. One wknd with her, the next with your friends. That way u'll miss each other even more and you both get to spend time with your friends. I dont know if i helped but u got it from the other perspective. If u split up u might even find how much you cant live without each other then youl both do anything to be together.
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A
male
reader, Toddler 25 +, writes (21 November 2005):
I agree on the breaking up, but I would be a bit more honest in doing it. You should tell her this long distance thing doesnt work for you, that you miss your friends, and that you do NOT want to move to the city therefor that is not a solution. If you tell her how wonderful she is, and that its a big mistake etc she will just end up convincing you to stay again.But bottom line and most important; this sounds like it should end. You are NOT doing her a favour by trying to stay when you dont feel comfortable with it, she'll be sad at the time but it'll pass. Go hook up with old friends and have a good time, in a few weeks the hurt will be gone and you will feel all the better for it :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2005): ale tje break clean and quick. In the short and long run, it will hurt her feelings less. She will, of course, be hurt that you are ending your affair with her, and will want you back. But, it is obviously not a supportive relationship for you, and you have every right to find someone who will dance with you, even if you need lessons, and who will support you rather than negatively criticize you. You should listen to her criticism, as it give you a list of things for you to work on, when you decide to do so, and you decided it is worth while for you to improve yourself in that regards. You are who you have learned to be, and you will continue to evolve and change as you age, and gain experiences. You should expect that you will also feel bad about dumping her, and have second thoughts. But, this relationship is not healthy, and you need to move on. Be kind, but firm, and tell her its over. Don't give her a list of her difficiencies that led you to that decision- she doesn't want or need to hear anything like that, even if it is brutally true. Be nice. Tell her its probably the biggest mistake you will make in your life, and you will pay for it someday, but you have made up your decision, and you intend to live with it. Tell her you will always think of her fondly, and will try to be there for her as a friend, if she needs help, but that your relationship as a couple is over. Wish her all the best, and then walk away.
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