A
male
age
51-59,
*ostTDevil
writes:My situation is pretty complicated so i'll start in the beginning. I have been married for 17 years. I have an 11 year old son and a 17 year old daughter. I feel i have been in love with my wife since we were married but a recent relationship with a lover has brought to the surface alot of confusion in my life. My wife has almost left me 3 times for 3 different guys. The later two being sexual and the first early in our relationship before we got in a somewhat open relationship (swinging). After 12 years we got into this swinging relationship because she feel bisexual tendencies, because we married so young (she was 16 and i was 19) and to spice up the marriage and it did quite a bit meeting other couples but then we got into being with single people and she met one guy (cheating on his wife i say, seperated he said) and she felt she was in love with him but chose to stay with me (I think he chose not to be with her). The second time was a single guy and again she said she chose me (and again i say he didn't want a serious relationship and just sex). Through this i felt that i still loved her and i begged her to stay both times. I never understood how she could fall in love with someone she could barely spend time with (well i didn't understand then). I think through these experiences it changed how i felt about her although i still felt i loved her. The time came when we met a couple. Somehow the woman and I merged a strong bond and i love her and think about her CONSTANTLY and i miss her SEVERLY. The difference here is that she feels the same way about me. We talk to each other EVERY chance we can trying not to hurt our spouses. Unlike most situations, everyone involved knows everything. Her husband wants desperately to save the marriage (she has two childen 7 and 9, the younger is his). My wife wants despereately to save our relatoinship. The two of us are caught in the middle not wanting to hurt anyone. An impossible task i know. The thing is i still love my wife although i don't trust her and i never will and she'd be an idiot to trust me but she doesn't want me to leave and i'm not sure i want to leave her but i can't stop the way i feel about this other woman. All day it is the other woman i think about and not my wife, yes, even during sex with my wife the other woman is on my mind. I am more confused then i have ever been in my life and i have no idea what to do. My wife wants to save our relationship and my lover wants to leave her husband and be with me. I have no idea what to do. I love my children (if i leave my wife, they will live in seperate states due to military orders) and i'm just not sure how i feel about my wife. I just know that i am in love with this other woman and she is in love with me. These are the things that ponder my life constantly. I know we should never have let any of this happened. Well it happened and i have no idea where to go now. I have no idea whether i am staying with my wife because i love her, because i feel sorry for her, because of the kids, because i feel that since she chose me, i should chose her, i just don't know how i feel. I am not looking for sympathy, i feel like i don't deserve either of them and i feel horrible because if i choose the other woman it will effect so many people's lives. I am just looking for advice especially from people have been in a similiar situation as mine.Lost and Confused...Anonymous
View related questions:
military, swinging Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lovesick2 +, writes (13 January 2009):
Dear Lost and confused, I do not know if i can help you become less confused, for I am also lost and confused. I am the "other Woman". I am in almost the exact same situation,how ever my husband did not cheat on me and swinging was not involved.I have been married 10 years, my lover 20 yrs.My lover and I have not had sex, just kissing and holding each other for about 6 months.He said he loved me and we were making future plans to be together. My husband has known for months that I was in love with another man, my lover just recently told his wife because he was forced by her.Her reaction was not what he expected. He did not believe she even cared anymore.He told me that we need to back off a little to let things at home cool down.He also said that he felt bad for her and thought that maybe he owed her a couple of months.I new that this day would come and new I should have never let things between us get started in the first place. I have NEVER loved or desired a man like I love and desire him. We have not spoke in one week.My heart is broken. I do not know exactly what he is thinking and I am now doubting his love. I cry all of the time. I can not imagine my life with out him. I can except that he may want to try to make his marriage work. I wish he would chose me but I would understand.It seems that the mistress usually takes the heat for dating a married man but know that we are human and have feelings too. If you choose your wife, try and make the decision quickly. Be honest with your lover and do not leave her in limbo, Do not keep her hanging on, it has really effected my day to day life and I am having a hard time moving on. Do not blow her off.All she did wrong was fall in love with a married man.If you decide to leave your wife,be gentle with her and think about the children.You both will need to handle the divorce with care.Everyone gets hurt in these situations.Make the decision that will make you the happiest.Life is too short.
A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (12 January 2009):
 WOW...why have 1 when you can have 2?
Ok, just kidding...you are in a jam. Imagine you're reading your letter through someone else's eyes...it is clear that you will not be able to live with yourself if you choose Ms. Newbody.
I agree with Eddie...and add that you have to cut off all contact with Ms. Newbody, and be the man you must be if only for your kid's sakes. Everyone has temptations, you can control yours.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (10 January 2009):
 When you fly by the seat of your pants, it can be a rough ride. Can you belice that this all started because you wanted to explore someone elses private parts? Imagine, all this from a whim. I need to ask you this, what did you expect to happen? You're doing all the things that people do when they meet someone they're interested in. There is a an ancient pattern to this.
Two people meet, there is an interest, turns to attraction and builds from there. sometimes there is some deviation but it is not rocket science. As a couple you meet people, treat them like you'd treat a new romance and then wonder what happened. What happened is that you entered a lifestyle that required you to let your guard down in order to play. The problem is that when we marry someone we have to keep our guard up to maintain the relationship.
What I mean is this, there are always temptations. You've decided as a couple to give in to those temptations because you thought love would conquer all. This is proof that in order to make your marriage solid and safe, you need to protect it. You left the door open to temptation. You did not put your union first. You put sex first and now you're suffering. It doesn't matter who you end up with, how can you trust your partner? You can not trust them when you make sex more important than the bond a monogamous couple shares.
Part of being a couple is usually monogamy. It can be seen as a sacrifice too. Plenty of people fall to temptation. Why? It's because sex is fun. It makes us feel desired and young. It makes us remember the old days. But, it does not offer stability or devotion. It is only physical pleasure. When the physical part is gone it's the devotion that remains to hold a relationship together.
More often than not, we do not really enjoy our partners being overcome with satisfaction at the hands of another. While I'll agree that it doe happen, it's not the norm. Most people can't handle it and I think this is an example of the troubles it causes.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): Wow.I feel as if I know you. My life sometimes feels like that. This is a tough choice for you, but my first instinct is that you are both married and need to "close that out" first before you get together. If you were meant to be together, when you've lived out your promises to your respective spouses, everything will fall into place with each other. I think you need to sit down with your wife and tell her the truth. If you still love her, and she you, you will work something out, either with each other, or for each other. Your lover should do the same with her spouse. I don't envy you. I have been in similar situations and chose to stay in my marriage. I've decided that my happiness depends on my state of mind, and that no one else can make me happy. And since I love my husband and wouldn't want to hurt him, I stay with him, because he needs me. Something like this requires sacrifice. You are not a devil, you are a human being with needs, and compassion. It takes some people forever until they find the right one, how lucky are you to have found two women you can love. Good luck to you. I hope it all works out.
...............................
|
