A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend, lets call him x, who recently told me he's got a new girlfriend. I was happy for him, and asked the typical questions, appears she's a colleague of his and she's got two kids ages 7 and 4, that he hasn't met yet but is excited about meeting in the future. I just told him to take it slowly and be patient. But then I met up with another friend of mine, lets call her y. She is a mutual friend, and I brought up how interesting it would be for x to maybe be a step-dad now, which would be a first for him (he's never dated a woman with children before). But y was not happy about it. Apparently, x didn't tell me the full story, but y knew. X and his new girlfriend were dating and hooking up while she was still in a relationship (and living with) with the father of her children. They had carried on the affair for months before finally telling the poor guy. He moved out on the very same day he found out about the cheating. Y was strongly against this affair and against x getting involved with this woman, and doesn't want anything to do with her. Y doesn't want to meet her, ever, and barely wants to talk to x now either.Im not sure what to do about this information. I have to admit that I am very dissapointed in x. I never thought him capable of sinking so low and being active in cheating activities and breaking up a family. It strikes me as incredibly selfish, and not like the person I thought he was. Does anyone have any experience in how to handle it when a friend becomes a home wrecker? I have lost respect for x now, and I don't know if that makes me a bad friend, or if the friend I had maybe has changed too much for the friendship to continue?I have already made agreements to meet him next month. I could get out of it and pretend that Im sick or something, but I don't know. I don't know if I can pretend to be happy for him and hide the fact that I know his "dirty secret" now.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 March 2017):
 Honestly I don't think her cheating on her partner has anything to do with you or your friend and you should not be so quick to judge. Their love life is their business and does not affect you therefore either let it go along with the friendship or continue to be his friend and less judgemental.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2017): How do you know that X'S girlfriend's husband didn't cheat on her first? (Hence the reason for her cheating). If it bothers you so much why don't you ask X himself for the story as he is the one involved firsthand. No doubt knows only partial truths.You are making assumptions based on hearsay.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2017): I'd say it's none of your business. If X's behavior is below your moral-standards, you have every right to discontinue your friendship. You have based your judgment entirely on hearsay. You don't really know the first-hand details; nor do you know the other woman with the two children.
Ms. y could be a rejected and scorned-woman for all you know! For sure she's a gossip-monger. Far too quick to change your opinion of your other friend. You must always consider the source of your information, and the motivation behind their eagerness to be the messenger of bad news.
You've never spoken to him about it. Even if he is a homewrecker, you don't know anything about the husband; and why she left him so easily for someone else.
You know nothing except what Ms. y told you. I agree, the behavior (as you know it) is disappointing; but full-judgment must be withheld or delayed until you know from him what happened.
You cannot judge the woman without knowing anything about her marriage. For now, both you and Ms. y should pretend you don't know anything until he explains what he feels you deserve to know. Even if he never explains or brings it up, it is because it's neither of your business.
I have no particular love for homewreckers and cheaters. I despise them. I just need to see the evidence and know the facts myself before I rush to final judgement. I have never lost a friend behind gossip or hearsay. If it's truly any of my business, I either wait for answers; or ask questions if I feel I have a right to know. Things are not always as they seem on the surface. The couple may have been legally-separated all that time.
People don't always divulge the dirty details about their failing-marriages or relationships. They sometimes keep-up appearances for the sake of the children, family, and to avoid people who may air their dirty laundry before knowing all the facts.
I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just giving you a little more perspective before you end a possibly good friendship for the wrong reasons, or having regret for rushing to judgement. Once you know the details; even then you may not fault him for his actions. The woman took a huge risk, and I think you might want to take the character and past history of your male-friend into consideration.
Is it totally out of character? Then there must be a reason.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2017): We all make mistakes. We all have the potential of ending up in situations we did not expect ourselves to be in. It isn't like somebody just wakes up and says "I am going to have an affair today." It does not happen that way. Many factors have to line up in order for it to happen. And it usually takes time for the whole process to progress to the affair stage. People have different motivations for stepping outside a relationship. Or doing things they never thought they were capable of. It depends on their needs at the given moment and how strong they are. Men especially can succumb to the sexual pull of a female who catches their fancy. They become weak. So, do not hang him for being weak. We can all be weak in a moment. So, yes you can judge him for lack of character. Or lying. But at the end of the day, he is a man reaching out for something. He is missing something. He needs to be fixed and this is his way of resolving his issues. By escape. By using her like a drug addict uses heroin. It dulls whatever pain your real life is bringing you and it takes you over the rainbow to feeling absolutely euphoric. What person would not succumb to euphoria? It is an easy pull. Maybe if you try to step in his shoes and see the big picture around him, and what drove his actions, you might be a little less judgmental. I am not saying affairs are right. But I am saying that people do things without thinking. Because the need for the affair, the addiction of it clouds reasonable thinking and judgment. It is as if he is in a trance and does not see reality at all. He is living in a fantasy because it feels good. And that is all that matters. It is called self medication.You can see it as black or white. Right or wrong. But it is never black and white. There are so many shades of grey outsiders looking in will never understand. Unless you are having an affair yourself, you don't know. And it is easy to say it is wrong and immoral. But I do believe given the right circumstances, we could all be vulnerable. Never say never.Yes, sometimes it is real love and you were meant to meet that person. But everybody dismisses that love because they think it is dirty and wrong. But at the end of the day, it is still love. Every emotion you are feeling is real. And can be quite deep. Ideally, you do need to end one relationship before entering another but life is complicated. And people have their reasons for remaining in unsatisfying relationships. Mostly for familiarity, comfort and financial stability, family relationships, having a whole life and future built around a partner and family. So, even if they wanted to leave, even if they loved another person, they are afraid, feeling trapped and they choose the path of least resistance. They would be hurting so many people if they leave, not just their spouse. It isn't broken enough to leave. Only certain aspects are broken and those are the missing pieces the affair partner is filling in. Most people choose to stay. Why would not they not if they can have the best of both worlds? We all have done things we are not proud of, things which would never see the light of day; things which we will forever keep in the vault. None of us knows what we would decide to do in a moment. And it could turn out to be the wrong decision. But that is what makes us human.People are not necessarily bad for being in an affair. Perhaps they make bad choices. Perhaps they are unhappy and need to feel good about themselves again. I would say it is likely more weakness than evil. Vulnerability.So, I don't think you should be so harsh towards your friend. True friends stay by you, through thick and thin.My friends do not agree that I am in an affair but they do not judge me. They have their share of issues too.So, before judging your friend for his sins, look at your OWN sins. You do have them, don't you? Or are you perfect?I have heard people say they look down on affairs but they are the ones who ended up in them. When a spouse you have been married to for 25 years withholds sex for 10 of those years, do you not think any person would be vulnerable? This is just an example. And there are many shades of grey.Perhaps you need to try to understand before you try to judge.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 February 2017):
 Yes, as mentioned, I also believe people should leave their current relationship before starting a new one, and I am sure that in a perfect world where nobody makes mistakes that happens.
It would seem that you see things in very black and white terms, with no room for the grey bits most of us have to deal with or accept at times during our lives. It also seems you have already made up your mind about your friend so all you need to decide now is if you are going to advise him the friendship is over or if you will let it die a slow lingering death without a good clean break.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (24 February 2017):
I agree with Aunty BimBim - you've only got Y's side of the story with her own feelings and prejudices. X might have a completely different story to tell. And maybe his new girlfriend is the "home-wrecker" not him.
And remember - everybody makes mistakes and poor choices from time to time but that doesn't make them bad people overall.
Now, being an atheist, I'm usually the last person to start quoting scripture but I do believe that religion gives us important messages.
"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone"
Jesus did not love or condone the woman's adultery but he was prepared to love and forgive the sinner.
You and me aren't Jesus so perhaps we can't love and forgive so easily but we can certainly be non-judgemental.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (24 February 2017):
You don't have to be friends with anyone you don't want to be friends with. It doesn't sound as if you two are very close. Cancel your next meeting and then be busy whenever he calls. After one or two times he'll get the hint.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2017): Thank you for your answer, Aunty BimBim. Of course she might have her reasons to leave the father of her children, but if she had reasons then she should have left him before starting something with my friend. I don't think there is any excuse to cheat. If you are ready to leave a partner, you do so properly, not through an affair. That is just something I morally can not approve of.I am thinking that a cheater is always a cheater, and that if she started a relationship with him thorugh cheating, she will also cheat on him. And/or that he is far more selfish than I previously thought of him, and obviously has no problem dating a cheater, so is likely to cheat himself. Which is their problem, but it still makes it difficult to be happy for him. All I sense in the future is drama and heartache.My friend Y does not approve what so ever, maybe she is more strongly against this than me because she (unlike me) is married with children. Y told me not to tell X that she told me. So that puts me in a hard spot in terms of talking to X about it. But thank you for the feedback. I have had this question before, years ago, but then it was hypothetical when another friend of mine asked me what Id do if she cheated. And I said I'd still be her friend and trust that she had her reasons. But faced with the reality of the situation, Im not so sure how I feel about trusting his judgment. My own boyfriend was cheated on by his ex. How can I find a moral balance between condemning the act, yet accepting the persons who cheat and not judge them?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (24 February 2017):
While I am totally against people in relationships not finishing one relationship before they start another I feel you and Y are making a lot of assumptions in this case and that you are prepared to toss a friend without first making sure you have all the facts.
None of us know what goes on behind closed doors, and the woman may have very valid reasons to end her marriage. The vast majority of women with children do not leave their marriages or split their families without very good reason. The number who cheat and take their kids from their fathers without careful thought are in the minority.
The mother in this case has already demonstrated her children are a priority in that your friend, x, has not met them yet. This indicates the mother is aware the kids need time to adjust to their new circumstances, a big plus in my eyes.
I always say there are three sides to the truth, in this case your side (or view, his side and somewhere in the middle is the truth.
Before jumping to conclusions and calling him a home wrecker I suggest you meet your friend as planned and ask him straight out about his partner's previous relationship ... you might be surprised to hear it doesn't quite match the story told to you by Y. And if it doesn't match then you need to ask yourself what Y' motivation was and the level of her involvement with x when she was trying to talk him out of forming a relationship with this woman.
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