A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Today I have found out something about my boyfriend's past that has really bothered me. We've been dating only around 5 months now but it's getting to the point where it's pretty serious and we're actually going on holiday together for a week in a few days time. Let me add, this is the strongest I've felt about someone for a very long time, in fact, even though our relationship is still in it's early stages I did feel like I was really falling for him and started to think we'd have a future together.So we went out for lunch and he was saying some of his friends wanted to go on holiday to Amsterdam, but that one lad in particular only wanted to go because of the red light district. And I asked jokingly, "have you ever paid for it?" not really expecting the answer to be yes!So of course I was surprised and asked really, why, when? And it turns out it was 10 years ago, when he was 18, on a trip to Thailand and he had a threesome with two Thai prostitutes. I instantly felt icky about it and couldn't explain why, it just made me very uncomfortable. He did say he was young, and he wasn't proud of it, but he had a really fantastic time. He did apologise saying 'sorry, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable' but I guess he already had done. Anyway after this discussion it turned a bit frosty and I had to run some errands, so we parted for the afternoon.It's been playing on my mind all day though. I couldn't explain why I felt so weird about it, I mean this is something that happened a decade before we met, I'm quite sexually liberal, so the threesome didn't bother me, I mean I trust this guy, he's not some sexually deviant cheater. So, then thinking about it I realised the thing that bothered me the most was the way he told me about it, that he had a 'fantastic time', like he wasn't ashamed and would happily have done it again.I feel very strongly about women's rights, and I think that human trafficking and the sex trade in countries such as Thailand is wrong, because I'm pretty certain those girls probably had very little options or choice, I'm not naive, I'm aware these things happen across the globe including the UK, and also many men are 'punters' when they're on holiday with their mates, drinking, these things become the norm. But, I guess I just lost a lot of respect for him because what he did went against my strong feelings. Not only that, I think I would have been ok if he'd had just a regular threesome, even with legitimate sex workers from an agency in the UK, because at least you know that without the language and cultural barriers, the girls have a semblance of choice to do that. If he'd phrased it as 'oh it was dumb and a young mistake, and yes I enjoyed it at the time, but looking back I realise how awful that was' I would be fine with that, we are all young once. But it's just really, really bothering me.Maybe I am overthinking it, or maybe this is a deal breaker for me? I mean what right do I have to make him feel ashamed or guilty about something that happened a decade before we met? Am I overreacting or is it natural to feel this way? Any advice is appreciated.
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his ex, on holiday, prostitute, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Anonyma +, writes (24 September 2014):
 Caring Aunty A nails it.
What I'd like to add: I suspect that you lost respect for him. Very likely you realised on a subliminal level what CAA spelled out for you, namely that this is a man who has low respect for men, has a habit of going to prostitutes and, worst, doesn't even have an inkling that this abusive behaviour.
I by the way wouldn't consider prostitutes at home to be any better treated than those who live abroad. Read "Paid For" by Rachel Moran. Something which should also interest is that the current estimate of trafficked/unwilling prostitutes in Amsterdam well exceeds 75% of them all. The legalisation of prostitution in Germany and the Netherlands resulted in a huge rise in trafficking and enforced prostitution.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 July 2014):
 If he left like he wasn't "clean" after that 3-some then he was bragging earlier with this "amazing experience" - it was said so he wouldn't sound like this was a regret.
As for showering after sex, some people do ( I am one of those - I don't "bath-shower lol) just shower and wash, because I'm not a fan of dried up bodily fluids on my skin. It makes me cringe. My husband on the other hand can roll over and sleep in the "wet-spot" no problem. Each to their own.
I still say, I would ask about STD/STI testing.
And, IF this is something you can not get past, be honest with him and either end the relationship OR find yourself some help in dealing with this. It doesn't sound like Retroactive Jealousy,since you said you had no problem otherwise wish his sexual past, JUST the foreign hookers.
Maybe what isn't sitting so well with you is that he toppled of the pedestal YOU put him up on?
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (5 July 2014):
 Thank you OP for your additional sensitive information...
I commend your proactive stance from what transpired 3 threes ago... for becoming a Victor over victim adversity. Such courage and mental power are commendable and I encourage you to remain on path.
The family holiday is strange, yet his shower bathing in water is a cleansing symbolic process to become clean again (after sinning/guilt) or therapeutic? The custom is also noticed in cases where a person has been sexually assaulted; the need is to clean purge away the attackers scent etc. from feeling dirty (to no fault of our own).
Water is a symbolic purifier and in some cultures; e.g. Thailand it is practised in that manner as ritual or for further arousal. In our culture we formally use water in Baptism to be re-born etc. I think he may need ONE FIRM baptism dunking to get it over with? :)
So just maybe the ramification of his past actions weren’t really fantastic after all? There could be some lingering side-effects?
Enjoy your holiday – CAA
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): Men get disgusted about their partner's sexual histories all the time. All the same principles apply.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): I've been to Amsterdam and walked along the Red light district, many of the stags I saw there just looked on for amusing I didn't see many go in - mainly locals.
As for what he did at 18. Things happen when you are younger and we all make mistakes, no point dragging something up he cannot change. If he is a good boyfriend, friend and person who treats you well now that is what counts.
My boyfriend told me he was dared to go into a prostitute with his mates from Uni when he was 19. I respected him for being open and comfortable enough to share that with me, he didn't feel the need to lie. In hindsight he said he made a mistake and it was a pretty miserable experience for him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): hey this is the OP - thanks for all the answers. I don't know, I've had a nights rest and woken up and it still doesn't sit well with me. One weird thing I forgot to mention - he has always had this weird habit after sex (or sometimes not after sex as well) he likes to take what he calls a 'shower-bath' where he runs about 2inches of water in the bath and then lays/sits in it with the shower running for a few min. There's nothing sexual about it, but he did mention after the threesome, that's when he very first had one, because he didn't feel 'clean'. Now, is this something further I need to worry about?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 July 2014):
Well, if he went out about town with two elder brothers I can see the scenario where they either paid to "get him laid" or used some brotherly peer pressure to do so, or.. simply encouraged him. Though it does seem a little nasty to do on a family vacation.
I still say, I'd let it go. Now if he want to go to Holland/The Netherlands so he can see The Red light district or take his friend there I'd be disgusted. But that is not what he said or where the conversation went.
MOST people I know, who wants to go to Amsterdam want to see the pot/coffee houses and the Red Light district (I have seen both on a trip through Holland) It wasn't my pick but I followed the group. (no one in the group had a prostitute mind you it was more of a "walk on the wild side" because this (the Red Light District) is not something you see in that form elsewhere. The guy who suggested it was all TALK, but he certainly did NOT want to pay for a prostitute. It's one of those thing Amsterdam is known for. Not exactly the artistic highlight or cultural delight of Holland, but EVERYONE (in Europe) has heard of both.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): caringauntya you're totally right what this boils down to is are our sexual values incompatible? I just want to add I trust him completely, I think he has the upmost respect for me and when he went to Thailand he went with his family (which makes it stranger still)
BUT it's too late to cancel this holiday with him, we are going away for a week so I'm going to try and enjoy it and if this is still bothering me when we get back then I might have to reevaluate.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): Some people prefer the stories of trafficking and choose to ignore the fact that some women do it as a job. Not my cup of tea, but it`s their choice.
You are assuming the worst because it fits in better with your disapproval.
I would not like to hear that my wife had been gangbanged by ten different men. If I ever did, then I have two choices-those being accept it or leave.
If you are disgusted then leave. You cannot be with someone who disgusts you. The thought of it is not likely to ever go away.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (4 July 2014):
Of all the exotic places in the sun he (and his mates) chose Thailand for a holiday 10 years ago (5,847miles away)...
From what has been said, it doesn’t tell me he had a keen interest in the Asian culture and history at the time, but for Thailand’s reputation in the sex industry... I guess his intent back then was purely to realise a fantasy with two women etc, “he had a really fantastic time!” I don’t think he was talking about the Golden Budda and Temples when he said that!?
Fast forward 10 years and you have a boyfriend and some of his friends (are any of them the same ones from Thailand) want to visit the Red Light District of Amsterdam... He was perhaps fishing for your opinion or reaction on this idea and you evidently got more information about him than you expected or could digest.
So how does one deal with this revelation, as this happened way before you came to date him. Be that you have strong convicts (as do I) in this area it does not sit right with you. Now for you to have any respect for him, you’ll have to see how his past has changed his standing on this industry to date. What are his convictions of the immorality, sex exploitation in this particular area, does he still have or show interest?
Perhaps a visit to Amsterdam reveals nothing has changed?
I understand from a perspective that he in the past showed disrespect, however how is he today and will you able to accept being with someone who had a really fantastic time!? The images of this trade in Thailand are shocking not to ignore; it maybe something you’d rather not be reminded of if you were to stay with him?
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): I think you are absolutely right to be disgusted about it.
And how stupid it was of him to tell you? Who does such a stupid thing and on top of that telling how much he enjoyed it? We all did things In a past. I once had an amazing lover who made me orgazm several times per night. I still 20 years later fantasize about him. It doesn't mean I ever told my husband. Why? Only to hurt his feelings?
And yes, you are right, those girls could be as young as 12. I would be disgusted too.
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A
female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (4 July 2014):
 While I share the same views as you about the sex trade I think this is one of those things you need to let go. 10 years is a long time.
Perhaps you can share your views with him. If might make him look at it from a whole new light. However don't try to make him feel guilty or accuse him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): Hey thanks Honeypie - I think you're right I can't get self-righteous about somebodies past especially when I've made plenty of questionable mistakes when I was in my late teens. I guess I've calmed down about it now, I think it was just the way he phrased it now, without much regret, was what bothered me more than the fact we did it. But you're totally right, the past is the past, I've been fully tested since we first met and it was a one time thing. (Oh and yes you're right it's not just places like Thailand, it is everywhere)
Also, one additional thing I might add is on this holiday he was with his family, and was on a night out with his two brothers who knew what happened. Like I know I couldn't get my head round that either, because I thought if anything your family would discourage that, but I guess dynamics between brothers can be very different!
To the anon - It's not the idea of him doing something sexual with other women that bothers me, although I could understand why you'd think that. Without getting too personal, I've been in plenty of open relationships to know that threesomes, or knowing my man has been with or is with other women, is not something that makes me jealous. I was raped three years ago and after that became very active in women's rights and campaigning against the sex trade etc. HOWEVER, I totally agree that whilst it's against my personal beliefs it was something that he wouldn't do now, and I should leave it in the past. Thanks for your answers
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014):
You need to examine yourself for a very long time before thinking of condemning him. Are there things you will never tell him/anyone? I really hope there isnt.
I really do not believe the real issue here is women`s rights.
I believe you are picturing him doing sexual things with someone else and cannot come to terms with it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 July 2014):
He was 18, male with a pulse and in Thailand... While I agree with the attitude towards prostitution and exploration of kids and women especially when it comes to the "sex industry" you have to remember a couple of things.
1. He is NOT you. If you had been there at 18 you wouldn't have bought a couple of prostitutes, because your gender and your beliefs.
2. He was young. He shouldn't HAVE to carry around 10 year old guilt, because YOU think it was an offensive act.
3. it's the past, no matter HOW he would phrase it, it can't ERASE his actions. He did it, it's done. 10 YEARS ago.
4. it was a one-time deal.
One thing though, has he been tested for STD? Have you?
My husband was a he-whore in his teens and some in his 20's. And I know he has NO regrets with all the sex he had. Where as I didn't have many partners (4 in all) and I'm OK with that too. What he did in his past is HIS past.
And to be honest... Prostitutes in the UK, US and Europe are by LARGE human trafficking women/girls/boys. Some high END escorts are not, but unfortunately MANY are not prostitutes by choice, EVEN in the UK.
I DO agree with you at the idea of "punters" (how gross) is despicable. But I don't think your BF went to Thailand with the GOAL of having some cheap strange sex.
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