A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Basically I'm just asking when couples start having arguments to the point where they think about breaking up, does that mean they are likely yto break up or will putting wrong to right make them stronger than ever then make them work?I'm asking as I lost my best bud just under a year ago when he got with a girl, I always thought she was clingy and, well not controlling but he would do anything for her so hardly went out alone. The breaking point was when she didn't like him seeing one of our mutual friends who was a girl and I stuck up for the girl, as a result I lost him. We still speak if we see each other but not properly and you can tell his gf isn't fond of me.I noticed last week that he changed his relationship status back to single on facebook, the previous night he had gone out and got blind drunk and I also saw his brother moaning on his profile that he came in wasted and something to do with him having stupid thoughts. As I say I don;t know what this was about but thats something must of made him change his relationship status to single. He changed it back later that day so I assume he was thinking things when he was drunk or they had a fall out? As I noticed he also went out without her which is a FIRST! Thing is even if it was all because of him wanting to go out alone, if she now gives him that time and stops being clingy and they have tim alone with friends, is it likely to bring them together n they last forever, or once things start to occur is it likely they will have more arguments?Im asking mainly for me and for my friend as we want our friend back. I know I should wish that they would break up but deep down I do and I had got my hopes up. I know that makes me sound like an awful person but I really don't like her and the influence shes had on my best mate. I'm jsut worried now they've fell out if her making loads of effort with him n letting him go out alone will make them perfect or is this the start of the breaking point? Also since all this seem to occur when hes drunk does a drunken heart speak a sober mind? I've always wanted peoples opinons on that and from experience I reckon it does because you alot laid back but in the same sense i'm unsure. Could this be the start of the end for them? Please respond fairly. I know as a friend I shouldn't be wishing this but I just want a clear picture in my head due to all the trouble thats been caused this past year. yes I know he chose her and to back off Im just asking for your opinon in general as this is not the first time I've been curious of such a situation, I've jsut never found a good reason to ask.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): I understand how you feel, it sucks when your best friend dumps you just because they now got a romantic partner who demands that they spend zero time with their old friends or because your friend is so totally consumed by their new romance that they stop caring about their old friends.If it was your friend who stopped caring about you and the other buds, then that just means the friendship wasn't that strong to begin with, and I would not consider him a friend. A true friend doesn't drop their loyalty to their BFF's just because they have a new romance in their lives. Such people are not your BFF, never were.But if it was due to the new girlfriend demanding he end his friendships with you and the others, then that really sucks that he chose to cave in. I wouldn't say that he was not a true friend ever, but that he is weak and has poor judgment of character that he would choose a partner who requires him to limit his life that way and give up other valuable relationships. I would pity him.Some times when couples are fighting seriously it really is the beginning of the end of the relationship. Other couples do make up and get stronger. There really is no general rule unless you have more details. but I think it's not helpful for you to be speculating on whether they will break up or not. The point is that you want your friend back, this may or may not happen whether they break up or get back together. they could break up and he could be too distracted dealing with that to be interested in being friends again. Or they could get back together and she could change her views and allow him to have his friends again. I think the point is that you have to focus on trying to establish a new type of friendship with your friend. One that will work within his constraints. you may not be able to hang out as spontaneously or as often as in the past, but that doesn't mean you can't still be friends and see each other less. maybe it's also time to make new friends. I also don't think that it's "bad" of you to be wishing that he will break up with her. Friends want what's best for each other and if you truly believe she is bad for him (like if she's controlling him and manipulating him, or has cheated on him, or is abusive to him) then it's right that you wish they will break up. In the end as a friend you should want whatever will make him happy. Maybe the best thing to wish for, is that she will change to become a nicer more caring person towards him and let him have his friends again. And if she doesn't change, then it's perfectly find and not shameful to be wishing that he will break up with her. However there's a difference between wishing this and trying to push him to do it. Don't impose your wishes on him, that's disrespectful. It's his life and you shouldn't meddle in it. I'm just saying that it's not wrong of you to have these feelings, just that you must separate your feelings from your actions.
A
female
reader, MsSadie  +, writes (1 August 2013):
 Sorry, bud, but your friend already chose this girl over you. There really isn't much you can do about that.
I'd make more of an effort when you two run into each other to try to get things back to how they used to be. Joke around, ask him how he's doing, update him on your life, maybe throw in an old inside joke here and there. Keep things light and friendly; don't mention his girlfriend or your falling out. If you're lucky things will slowly patch themselves up over time. Moreover, he may open up to you about issues that he's having with his girlfriend, and then you can be there for him when sh*t hits the fan.
I don't recommend any scheming to get your friend back. That never works, and will just make YOU look like the clingy a**hole.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): Your approach to this is all wrong.
First of all, you shouldn't wish anyone to breakup. Especially a friend. You're supposed to wish him the best no matter what. Even if you don't really like his new girl.
You do your best to let her know she's welcome into the fold. Not in a fake way; but by just being respectful and
polite.
It appears your friendship wasn't very strong; if your bud let a girl come between you. He may see things a little clearly now that he isn't so whipped. Hey, it happens to all of us. Just not at the same degree. Some guys are real saps. They deserve to be smothered to death.
You make better impressions on new boyfriends or girlfriends by staying out of their business. Being available during a crisis. Be gracious and offer her support whether she wants (deserves) it or not. Better to be on her good-side for your bud's sake.
You picked sides in a situation, when you should have just stayed out of it. We should support our friends; but when their significant other is involved, we lay low. We let them come to us. We just let them know we're near if they need us. However; they should be given the space to workout their personal issues together. We support them both. That's a real friend.
He may have discovered over-time that she is possessive and controlling. That was for him to discover on his own. You can give advice in this area, but most of the time, he won't listen. He's thinking with his smaller head.
He isn't much of a friend to have abandoned the people/guys he needs as his support system when things aren't going well.
Buds don't compete with girlfriends; because they take it the wrong way every-time. They feel you're ganging up on them. You have to be stealth and use the right psychology.
A new girlfriend sees anyone who tries to dominate her partner's time and attention as her nemesis. Sometimes jealous friends try to drive a wedge between a couple, and they have to vigilant against that.
That's why it's best to let your friend come to you. If he always turns down your invitations, let him know how you feel about it then and there. It will plant a seed. Just don't bitch and moan. That's his girl's job.
Our best buddy's naturally get a little jealous and feel neglected when we obsess over some new love. Sometimes it is forgotten who was there through thick and thin; before the love interest came along.
The difference is, there is intimacy between the two; and anything that comes between them is considered a threat.
The bond between buds is unspoken. You just know when to be there.
Your mistake is making your dislike for the girlfriend known. So she had you eliminated; and took total control to keep all his interfering friends away. He was the fool for being such a wimp; and letting anyone rule against family or friends. You have to have a support system.
Who's there for you when the bitch or bastard decides to dump you?
Control freaks work to eliminate anyone who may be a threat to their control. That includes close friends and family.
People who allow this to happen soon discover they've been alienated; once that stressful relationship reaches the inevitable end. Everyone he or she needs is long gone or gave up on them.
Your buddy broke-up with her and looked around. and all his best friends weren't there. His fault. So he resorted to getting drunk and using Facebook to air all his whining. That was his call for help, my friend.
Give him a call or drop by. No comments regarding his relationship from you. Let him talk and you just listen.
Be supportive and be on the positive side. He has learned his lesson about parting with the guys who have your back at times like these.
There will be a time you'll distance yourself from your buds all caught-up in girl. It happens from time to time.
Usually in the infancy of the relationship.
However; you have to establish early on with a new partner that your friends are an important part of your life, and that you wish them to be close and active in your life. They are the people you share both your joy and sorrows.
They're their to celebrate your achievements and help you survive failure. We need our buddies.
If they have a problem with that; consider that an early sign of insecurity and a red-flag. I can understand when women feel uncomfortable about other women in his life; but your buds are just your faithful standbys when you need a dude's loyalty to pull you up by your bootstraps. Not to keep you at odds with her.
As you know, you've got to have your buddies around. You have to work to be sure all those you treasure try to get along; and realize that you have enough love to go around.
Never compete with your bud's girlfriends. They'll find a way to cut ties. Let that be a lesson to you.
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