A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I really want my best friend back! We have been friends for about 2 years and for most of that time we were really close, best friends, until I started dating my now ex bf. My friend didnt like him, he thought he was bad for me, which I didnt realise at the time. Turned out he was right, he was abusive to me in the end. Anyway...my ex bf manipulated me into not talking to my best friend as much cause he was jealous of how close we were and he would bring up the issue of sex (I dint want to do it yet) and when i would say no he would make me feel like i had to to prove that i loved him more then my friend. he would say things like 'why are you so close to him and not me? you mustnt love me at all, you lvoe him so much more' then i would say thats not true and then he would say 'well prove it then through your actions'- thats a hint there to give into him and have sex with him.Anyway after i let him manipulate me into taking a step back from my friend, we became a bit more distant but we still talked atleast once a week. My friend said he totaly understood and he didnt want to stand in the way of my relatonship, despite how much he hated my bf. But as the days went by we became less and less close, he found a new best friend and replacedm e with her. I was pretty upset. Its not like i replaced him with a new best friend, he was STILL my best friend, i just had a bf. Anyway I made several attempts to fix our frinedship while I was going out wiht my ex bf, but nothing seeemed to work. I even told my frined how I feel and how I wanted our close friendship back but he just kept saying he was busy and thats why we barely talk. He refused ot admit that he had 'moved on' from me and that he had any anger towards me about leting my ex bf get in the way of us. I dumped my ex bf about 3 months ago and I am still trying to get that frinedship bakc but nothing seems to work! I dont know what to do! Please help? Do you think this is a lost cause? It hurts so much to try and talk to him or contact him and get no reply, or get a very unenthusiastic reply. Ive tried talking about it to him again but nothing seems to work.Ive said sorry to my friend and he just keeps saying I dont need to say sorry. I have so much guilt in for what I did, being so stupid to let my ex bf control me like I did. If I was my friend, I dont think I would forgive me. Any advice? Anyone been in a similar situation b4? What happened? Im almost giving up, because it hurts so much to keep on trying and to keep hope that this will work out. Please help! Thanks.
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female
reader, reallyveryconfused  +, writes (27 November 2007):
It sounds like your ex boyfriend is just as controlling as mine was. He could not handle the fact that I get on better with males. His jealousy continued and he even had the cheek to tell me to block my best friend (who was a guy) on msn and remove him from my facebook. I was stupid, but didn't have the heart to block anybody so I simply stopped using msn. I rarely checked facebook and became quite lonely, even though I would tell myself that I was happy with my ex.When I eventually dumped him, getting back into my circle of friends was really hard. My best friend, like yours, had drifted away and made other friends but I didn't give up. Apologising for how stupid I had been didn't seem to work and make things magically back to normal so I took a different approach and stopped trying so hard to work things out. After a while we became ourselves around eachother again and our friendship recovered somewhat, but still isn't back to the way it was and I have accepted that it might not ever be. I have made some new close friends now and I'm happy to accept what fate wants to throw at me!I am not sure if this will help you, but I know that knowing there is somebody in the same situaton sometimes makes me feel better! You could choose to write a letter like the person before me suggested (this does sound like a nice idea) or you could see how things play out like I did. You were his best friend once so have a much better idea of how he would react than any of us.I really hope you manage to sort something out and be happy again! And to reiterate what the previous person said too, good riddance to your ex boyfriend!
A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (27 November 2007):
 Hi,
I'm sorry to see this happen to you. There is a cautionary tale here I hope for all the girls who write in about their controlling boyfriends. This is what happens when the girl finally see's she is dating an arsehole - the friendship has reached a stage where it is beyond repair.
At some stage your friend was so hurt that he had to steel himself to emotionally detach himself from you. This is hard , but in a way its similar to breaking up with a real lover. Once you get over them you can never be the same again.
But , never say never I say!!!
Here's what I reckon you should do. Sit down and hand write a letter to your friend. Tell him everything, how your boyfriend controlled you and you didnt realise your friendship would suffer and that if it wasn't for him you could still be in an abusive relationship. Tell him how much he means to you, then tentively ask if he can envisage any time in the future you two reclaiming the closeness you once had.
At the end of the day, if he isnt receptive, then there is little you can do but move on with your life and put this down to experience and a lesson learnt. I.E. when true friends warn you against a partner there is generally something in it.
All the best and good luck. And congratulations for dumping your arsehole boyfriend.
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