A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey all... got a dilemma in my almost 3 year relationship. When I first met him I fell in head over heels love with him. We had the very best relationship that made people jealous seeing how happy we were together. Until months went by and I found out he was going behind my back chatting/talking to other woman and sneaking to an ex's house to have sex with her a couple times too. During that time, I was unaware of what he was doing. And all the advancements I made onto him to have sex with him, he would reject me time after time after time. Which raised a red flag to me. So I began to watch him a little closer and that's when I found all the wrong doings that he was doing. That was all about 2 years ago now and we have tried to move on from all that rubbish. The only problem we have going on now is his anger problem. He lives in my house but it seems like I have to watch what I say or do or else he snaps and yells at me. It gets even worse when he gets high or drunk. I won’t hold my halo up over my head by saying yes I have an anger problem but I’ve learned just over a year ago how to control it. That is until today. We got into a heated argument and I got SO fed up with his attitude that I snapped and I ended up slamming my fist down onto my glass top coffee table. It ended up shattering the glass and leaving my wrist all cut up and bloody. I didn't mean to snap and allow my anger to get the best of me but I’ve been holding it back for over a year now and it kind of snuck up on me. He took care of my wounds for me and we made up. But hours later we got into yet another dispute. I calmly asked him a couple questions about his experience in a gas station. And he tripped out on me. He started yelling at me and punching his chest saying he wish he were never born. He had me heated by the way he was acting. So when I pulled into my driveway and he walked into the house to eat his dinner I told him to allow me to sit in my car to "cool off" because he upset me while we were out. Seems as though he had a problem with that when I came walking into the house about 10 minutes later. Assuming I was annoyed at him he started getting loud with me again. So I went to the bedroom and grabbed his drawers in the dresser and loaded them into his car. Was I in the wrong for anything? What should I do in this situation? I’m pretty sure by his actions that he is either buzzed from drinking and smoking today. He knows he has a problem but won’t do anything to get any help. I’m confused on what to do anymore.... please help me!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): You were both wrong by the way you allowed your tempers to flare out of control; and the fact that you've both allowed a lot of pent-up anger to grow inside of you. Alcohol and drugs are gasoline, and your tempers are matches.
You have to understand that controlling your temper doesn't mean bottling it up, suppressing your feelings, or allowing yourself to dismiss everything that upsets you. It means not allowing the anger to take control of a situation; before your mind catches up with your actions. Think, then act. Holding anger inside is literally unhealthy. Mentally and physically. Professional counseling will help you to understand that, and how to employ self-control. you should never suppress your anger.
If you do that, it goes from anger to rage. Furthermore; you swept your boyfriend's cheating and bad behavior under the rug in order to keep him. You kept him to pacify your "ego." You weren't going to lose him to his ex, or let her know she destroyed your relationship. Another bad factor is that you were/are too concerned about appearances. You don't want anyone to gloat over the fact that your relationship was not as great as it seemed. So you kept him. No relationship is perfect. We all have our ups and downs, and disagreements. Yours was seriously damaged by deception and betrayal of trust. People with anger-issues don't know how to forgive. That's why your anger is so out of control.
His cheating is a hot-button issue. Every-time he says or does something wrong; that anger pushes its way up and has to be expressed. You explode with rage, and you've hurt yourself. My dear, this incident wasn't the only time you've lost it like that. It's just perhaps one of the worst. You've expressed rage on different occasions and in different ways. You may have been passive-aggressive on occasion. Many people mistake passive-aggressiveness for restraint and control. It's hidden anger. That's all it is.
You really wanted to hit him. He puts on dramatic and obnoxious performances in order to turn the tables from his own guilt to make you feel guilty for your behavior. He knows he did you dirty; but he's totally pissed with you, for forever holding his cheating over his head. Do you see why even anger-management therapy will not prevail over these unresolved issues? You have to face and deal with his cheating and your anger about it. And many other things you have buried deep inside you.
He's a first-class asshole; but instead of kicking him to the curb as you should have two years ago, you kept him to keep-up happy appearances. He's a total piece of sh*t. You know it. You are correct, after the behavior you described about yourself, you're no angel either. So it was illogical and foolish to continue a relationship with a guy who can piss you off in such a profound way. After what he did to you. You're humiliated by the betrayal. Upset with yourself for being so naive. Forgive yourself, and some of that anger will ease away. Not all of it. There is risk taken when you commit to people. There will always be. Love comes at a significant price, and requires some self-sacrifice on both parts. It's worth it.
You aren't going to like my advice. You need to breakup before somebody gets hurt. You have not forgiven him for his cheating, and you can't trust him as far as you can throw him. So you punish him (and yourself) every single day. Just looking at him burns you up! You keep trying to swallow that anger; but it just keeps gurgling its way back up. It's always caught in your throat. Your stomach burns and your abdominal muscles clinch every-time he walks out the door, does something stupid, or yells at you. You feel like you did him a big favor to let him stay. It was a favor, but it wasn't the smart thing to do for either of you.
You want all this anger and resentment to subside? You have to let him go. Get more professional counseling and treatment for your anger-issues. I suspect that you've had a past traumatic-experience, or have bottled-up dysfunctional family-issues that are carrying-over into your relationship. That anger isn't all about him; it's more about you, and who you are. How you feel about yourself. You feel you wasted your time loving somebody, and it didn't turn out perfect like you hoped. Now you hate yourself, and take out the anger on him. You also hate that girlfriend; and resent the fact you can't erase her from the picture and turn back time.
It will take time to get through and over all of this. If you don't let him go, you will be stuck right where you are; until he decides to dump you. In this situation, you should dump him first. You have to please your better judgement and intuition about him. That's the only way you will find closure after the breakup. He's a mistake, but you find it very hard to accept that. Please correct or forgive me if all I've said is wrong.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 June 2015):
 Glad you didn't take offense, OP (some do)
But the thing is, HE was ALWAYS a guy who made bad choices. I know you think things were "perfect" in the beginning. BUT everyone puts their "best foot" forward the first year (or less) of a relationship. You ARE still getting to know each other and each other's quirks.
He didn't START to make bad choices because of you. THOSE choices are HIS. And YOU can't change that (he can't either) and you CAN'T change him. HE doesn't think he is doing anything wrong and THAT is why he won't seek help.
It's good that you are conscience of your actions and that you TRY and rein yourself in - like taking a time out. I do that too when/if I get REALLY upset. Except in my marriage, my husband RESPECT that choice (that I take a time out) your partner don't.
A couple who constantly argue to a point where you HAVE to give yourself a timeout is not healthy and not viable.
IF nothing changes DRASTICALLY with you two it CAN end up in domestic violence, and I'm sure NEITHER of you really want that. THAT is why I say ask him to move out. If you think there is anything SALVAGEABLE about the relationship you two NEED to BOTH want to fix it - YOU can not do it on your own. It's like a three-legged race - if the other person CAN'T or won't... cooperate, you are both going to fall flat on your faces.
And maybe things WERE dandy in the beginning.. BUT it's NOT anymore, wishing that everything would just reset to happier times... doesn't work. YOU have to look at the relationship AS it stand NOW. It is fixable? If he refuses to help, how can anything get fixed?
You have to be realistic, but you ALSO have to LOOK out for you. He is dragging you down. YOU are feeling out of control (and the incident with the coffee table shows that you are getting out of control.)
THE only think YOU can control, is YOUR actions and YOUR reactions. Not his.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): Yes, you are both wrong for something's im sure. What should you do in this situation? Leave him, 100%. Like the first post said, take off those rose colored glasses. You never had a wonderful relationship he was cheating in the begining and hiding it. I personally would move on. That's too much dysfunction for anyone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your advice Honeypie. Its nice to finally get advice from a person that doesn't sugar coat the words coming out their mouth. I would like to inform you tho that Ive done a lot better than I used to with my anger. I was stupid awhile ago and fell into the trap by yelling back at him when he would yell at me. I sat myself down & came to the conclusion that me doing that helps nothing & I need to stop it now. So that's what I did for awhile, holding it in & allowing him to look like the dum dum raising his voice for no reason.
At the beginning of the relationship is when I was talking about how we made people jealous with our relationship. His very poor decisions has changed us BIGTIME. Ive been trying to make it right ever since. But I cant do it on my own... I need his help too. To work as a team to get past this hurdle in our relationship. Im aware it will never get back to how we used to be but hopefully in that right direction would be nice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 June 2015):
Have him move out.
And get some help for your OWN anger management. YOU don't like it when HE throws fits and tantrums, so how is it OK when you do it?
I get that frustration made you fed up, and breaking the table was intended.. but it seems like HIS unpleasant behavior is rubbing off on you.
So I'd would say HAVE him move out. He might only be "getting loud" with you, but it can easily escalate for BOTH of you.
You keep thinking you will get that "super great" relationship back you had in the beginning (which by the way you need to stop deluding yourself, he was cheating with his ex while pretending all was great with you) I see nothing to be "jealous off" here. And I think you should take those rose tinted glasses of and see this relationship for what is it. DYSFUNCTIONAL from the GET go. Not something to envy.
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