A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for 5 years, with a really nice guy. We have a young child togethor, and have a trusting relationship, but my problem is,I have'nt found him all that sexually attractive for quite a while.I lost interest in sex after pregnancy as I put a lot of weight on and my confidence plummeted, I have lost most of that weight now, but I have found my sexual desire with my boyfriend still diminished.I do get aroused by other men, so I dont think its my sex drive, although I would genuinely never want to have sex with anyone else behind my boyfriends back.I don't know whats going on or what to do, it would devastate him if I told him as it's such a hurtful thing to say to someone.Please help, and although I appreciate all reponses, I'd rather not go down the line of 'have a romantic meal, get sexy lingerie etc' as the thought of that turns me off completley!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): If practical ideas such as trying sexy lingerie does not attract you why don't you start from the very beginning, which is training your mind to reaccomodate to lovemaking and rediscover the the pleasurable (physical and mental) feelings afferent to the act? Maybe the fact you ran into this problem and that it persists discourages you to actually try and find solutions, and makes you not want to talk about it much. I think you should on the contrary not hesitate to talk and think about it. Very often just mentally thinking of a certain scene can get you in the mood and incite you to apply it. Your mind is the centre of what excites you and thus your most powerful instrument that can help you in this case. Of course your libido is low if you are feeling down, have trust issues and so on, hence work on these issues firstly. Be less exigent with your self and accept the fact your body can be just as attractive to your husband, give or take the few scars or changes after giving birth. You say you find your partner less sexually appealing but as the others have said this may have to do with the dull image you have of yourself, that you have to change in the first place engaging your logic: not wanting to be Kate Moss, realising this is a common problem and fighting to overcome this impasse, etc. Plus, if your partner is attractive in other ways (intelectually, or has a caring behaviour etc) then the question arises - have you always cared a lot about the physical appearance and has he compensated a possible lack in this department by having other qualities of the kind mentioned above? Focus on those as you probably have done before. Finally, motherhood is a "different" phase but not less beautiful because of it, just probably less glamourised. You have to forget about trying to control how you look more than it is possible, you have to practise getting naked with less criticism and more with relaxation and acceptance, even joy. Identify the factors of stress and sweep them out whenever it is possible to have time for you alone and time to dedicate to the couple, and remember how powerful your thoughts are, "tame" them if they go too wild or give you headaches. All the best!
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (3 March 2009):
 Let me ask you something. After your pregnancy, how do you feel about yourself, and how you look. Quite often because of the body changes etc. how you may feel about "being sexy" can change the way you view sex, or how you may be attracted to others.
What I believe you should do is, take a day where he watches the child and you take a day of pampering yourself. Go for a massage, or a day at a spa. Reason being is to rule out stress as being a factor in this changed view. You've been pregnant, taking care of someone else, you need a day for just you.
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