A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HiI've been with my boyfriend for 7 months now and i love him with all my heart and he tells me the same.However theres one thing that he does which really upsets me. He still talks to his ex daily, by this i mean he often has long text conversations with her and he gives her a lift to college 2/3 times a week and he often meets her for a coffee whilst their at college (i go to a different one) He doesn't lie about doing this however he doesn't tell me unless i ask him. Recently he's been deleting his texts before coming to see me so i had a look at his mobile account online (which i know is wrong and i should trust his provacy but i couldn't take not knowing) and i've seen that hes had long conversations with her. Does the deleting of his messages mean hes trying to hide something from me??? Or is he just trying to save my feelings because he knows i don't like him talking to her.Am i wrong to feel upset about this??? And what do i do now, how can i confront him without him finding out i had a look online??? What would you do if you were in this situation??? Any advice would be grateful!!!Other than this one thing we get on really well, we spend almost every day together and i don't know what to do because i love him so much and don't want to loose him but i can't take this anymore!!!Thanks x
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 January 2009):
 First, you need to stop snooping. It is not only degrading to do but it show a lack of trust and respect for your BF. I know it's hard not too, specially when it's RIGHT there for you to do, but trust me when I say NOTHING good comes from snooping.
Second, you need to tell him how it makes you feel that he hangs on to tightly to his ex. I don't believe in telling a partner WHO they can talk to and whom they can't. But I believe in honesty. If you are open and honest about your feeling and thoughts on this maybe he will limit the communication between them. But snooping is not going to make him understand or know how you feel.
Communication and trust are the cornerstones of a relationship with out that a relationship will not survive long.
Would you like it if he snooped? Even if you had nothing to hide? No cause it shows a insecurity, lack of trust and repsect. So stop it and talk to him.
A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (29 January 2009):
 Heya, first of all many people that have been in your situation may have done a similar thing and read his online messages etc but that doesnt make it right...sometimes we can read much more into things if we dont know what was said or in what context and so you may be causing yourself a world of trouble just by digging.That said though, he shouldn't feel the need to delete texts from his phone...he shouldnt have to feel that his phne is going to be checked either. It seems to me like he is being honest with you and he doesnt seem to be hiding anything but just the fact that you are so worrid about he situation might end up pushing him away. Men, and women, both like their freedom and both like to think that they can be friends with whomever they choose without being dictated to, watched or questioned by their partners. Give him the space that he needs to be friends with this girl, don't read his texts, don't question him about it and don't turn it into something that it might not be - you have to give him 100% trust until he shows any real sign of breaking that trust. you simply cannot go through your life in a relationship being paranoid about who your partner is speaking to.If she is his ex, there is a reason she is an ex and not the girlfriend. Many people are able to stay friends with their ex's because often there is a history there and just because it didnt work out, doesn't mean a friendship cannot be maintained. He goes to the same college a her so he gives her a lift a few times a week, this is a nice thing for him to do and i wouldnt read too much into it - i'd give my ex a lift to college or work if i worked there too, it saves money and hassle of having to get themselves there and the company to and from in the car is always better than driving on your own. I have a couple of ex boyfriends and i still get along with all of them just fine. I don't go out of my way to interact with any of them though because we jut don't have anything in common to do anymore and i would think that once college is over perhaps the boyfriend and his ex's friendship will fizzle out too as they will be on seperate paths and you both will be on the same one. Look at it from your own perspective - do you have any ex's that you're friends with? how would you feel if he told you that you couldn't see them even though you were innocently having a coffee with one of them or you got along well enough that it took a few texts to finish a conversation...chances are you would end up resenting your boyfriend for putting those pressures and boundaries on your shoulders and you too would delete those messages just to avoid arguments and questioning from your partner.Trust me. Before this turns into something more severe, give him some trust to go with your love and let him know its ok and you dont mind him having a coffee with his ex or speaking to her. It'll become less of a big deal and he wont have to worry that you dont trust him and eventually it'll be ok. If you truly think there is anything more going on here than friendship, you need more than a few niggles to make that big assumption and if it worries you tht much you need to speak to him and tell him how you feel. My husband stopped talking to one of his friends because the first time i met her i felt like i was the third wheel. He seemed oblivious to her attentions towards him but to me it was glaringly obvious. i pointed this out to him but didnt make it a big deal, it upset me a lot though so he distanced himself from her as a mark of respect for me - which i then felt guilty about, which i didn't need. I just think that c'est la vie - what will be, will be, such as life and all that, life is too short for you to be spnding it chasing around after your partner checking that he is being faithful to you. if he loves you, he will not stray. if he strays, he is not worth loving. just give him that trust and be content that things are ok. you are probably just feeling a little insecure. I hope it all works out for you xx
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (29 January 2009):
He's probably just trying to save your feelings as he knew you'd react like this.
Talk to him and tell him that you know he can't cut contact completely but that you'd really like it if he put you first a bit more.
As you say you can't take this any more I think you have to let him know that you have tried to be ok with it but that you can't deal with it any longer.
Have you spend any time with his ex? If you met her then you may feel a lot less threatened by her.
Good Luck!! xx
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