A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Yes, I know I sound like the 13 in a dozen girl who says she hates herself and the sane part of my mind knows I have no right to complain, since I am wealthy enough to have my own computer to type this behind. If you read through this you'll have my undying gratitude.To cut to the chase: systematic bullying in the past (elementary and highschool) have left their mark on me and have made me wary of other people. Especially guys, since they used to pester me about my looks and pretty much everything about me all the time. People didn't even call me by name. They just called me 13, because that is my birthday date and a bad number. I was told I represented that number. Even teachers started calling me it, because they didn't remember my real name.Anyway, I'm 23 now, in Uni and I still haven't had a bf yet. I used to not care about this, because I had time on my side, but now I'm in my 20's I want to tackle this problem before it drags on when I'm well into my thirties. I do get hit on by guys. And I do get crushes on people. But I never take the chance because I hate myself too much and and I'm afraid of what they might think of me. I'm always afraid that when a guy seems to like me, he'll stop liking me when he gets to know me better.I also feel ugly a lot of the time and I'm very self concious about my body. I put up very high goals for myself, which means that I'm in shape, but everytime I get to a goal, I'll find something else about myself that puts me down. Pathetic, I know.Lastly. How can a guy love me when I hate myself?Thanks for reading. Hats off to you if you answer. It's greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, EnglishRoses  +, writes (14 June 2010):
It's probably true that most girls say at some point that they hate themselves. But most of them don't know what it means to really truly loathe themselves like you do. I think that by posting here you have made a brilliant first step. You've decided that you want things to change. After that all you can do is make a list of the things that you hate about yourself that you can change and the things that you can't. All the things you can't change you need to learn to accept, because there is no point whatsoever in worrying about something you can't change. It is just a waste of your time and energy, and of your life. I decided one day that I was going to like who I am, and it wasn't a quick or easy process, but I found that it was so much more fun to project myself out at the world and think 'take me or leave me because there is nothing that I can do about my "flaws"' rather than trying to constantly make myself invisible. It sounds simplistic, but a slow and sure way of learning to love yourself is constantly telling yourself that it is OK to be who you are, as you are. Remind yourself of all the friends that you love, and the fact that they love you back should give you some validation.
Remember you only have room in your head for one thought at a time. Make sure that that thought is not a negative one, because there is not enough time to waste on unconstructive negativity.
A
male
reader, Kelkels  +, writes (14 June 2010):
Coming from a similar back ground I understand how you feel.
First off in my own situation I only got in my first serious relationship at 25 so you defiantly not strange in that account.
My honest opinion is that you simply need to gain some confidence. People pick up on things like this. It is hard but I have realized now that in order to end up with someone you have to bite the bullet and put yourself out there. This can often lead to rejection but you cant let that stop you nor take it personally.
As for hating yourself, you seem like a very nice person. If you need to I would recommend going to a councilor in uni. Take my word for it - it does help a lot.
and lastly as you get older you more often than not become more comfortable with yourself. So try and give it time.
As for meeting fellas, try dating sites (just be careful) as this will let you to get to know someone before you meet them or take classes for something else like painting or yoga to meet people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): Hey!
I'm very sorry to hear about the bullying, and I can imagine that affected you. However, I hope that is all in the past now, and you have a good support network.
Regarding the point about getting crushes and being self-conscious, in my opinion, you just need to take that chance and be brave. If you trust no-one then you will never get anywhere, and remain feeling like this. It's my belief that experience guides us.
I have been in a similar situation to yours, and it took me a while to realise that life is too short, and I learnt to focus on the positive and care less about the negatives. I know this sounds cliche, but it really happened for me.
I am a true believer of the fact that you must love yourself first, before anyone else can, however I know it's hard to get to that stage.
This really doesn't seem to be much help, and just seems to state the obvious, but I just think you should be aware that you can change how you feel, and you need to (I know it's easy to say) focus on the positives!
Good luck, and sorry I have not been great help, I just thought you should get a response
:)
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A
female
reader, wordsoffaith +, writes (13 June 2010):
 For someone to love you, you must love yourself first...
That sentence always made me mad because it's a lot harder to do that then it is to say it. But it's true, you can not be in relationship with feeling that you are not good enough or you are not worth of their love. I can talk about this from experience that it is very hard to get over bullying, it's a worst thing that can happen to anyone and it's even harder for the victim to get over that abuse.
All I can say is to work on yourself before you can find love at all. You need to see the good points in yourself, you need to believe that you are a person who deserves someone's love and you deserve to love someone too. And maybe seek professional help too. It's never a bad thing to seek that kind of help, you can build your self-confidence back, and leave the past behind and show all those that have bullied you that you are WAY better then what they thought you were.
I wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (13 June 2010):
 I've been in your position, and I'm still not completely over it, but I'm getting there...
I've always been a very shy person, and I've always had low self-esteem. In Middle School and High School I was bullied constantly for my looks, my weight, and my sexual behavior (I was a virgin). I soon developed an eating disorder that last five years, and fell into a deep state of depression. I never had a real relationship until I was seventeen (but it was long-distance, and we didn't really know each other). I soon moved across the country to be with him.
After living with him for six months and my bulimia hit its peak, my depression got worse. I began cutting myself and crying every day. I broke up with my boyfriend because he no longer made me happy, but we still had to live together. My home was like a prison. I didn't want to leave work to return to him. I finally became infatuated with another guy who refused to admit that we were dating and refused to commit to me. He became an obsession and a way to escape the world I was in. I could barely think or function without hearing from him. Finally, he made-out with me one night, and the next morning, I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders. I drove home and told my ex to move out, which he did.
After he left, I was along for the first time in my life. I couldn't sleep, but I couldn't get out of bed. My bulimia continued, and I hated myself more than ever. The guy I was into said that we would never become something, so we ended things.
I began dating my current boyfriend almost a year and a half ago. He's done nothing but make me feel like a queen and the most beautiful girl alive, but somehow, it wasn't enough. I still hated myself and began having doubts about our literally "flawless" relationship. I knew that he was much too good for me and that I didn't deserve him, and yet I knew that I loved him with everything in me and that I wanted him in my life forever. I've been going to therapy to vent about my feelings, which helps, and I'm currently taking antidepressants, which have helped TREMENDOUSLY. No kidding. If you can look into it, I would suggest that, because it's definitely helped to balance out the chemicals in my brain and has helped me to become a more positive person.
My bulimia has been gone for nine months now, and I no longer cut myself. My boyfriend and I are planning on moving down to Florida here in two months, and we're going to buy a house together. He's been talking to his mom about proposing to me, and we discuss our future together nearly every day. I KNOW that you can find happiness, and when you find the right guy, he won't love you in spite of your flaws, he will see you as flawless, and I mean that. He will help you to learn to love yourself, and he will help you to make yourself the best person you can be.
I hope this helped, and if you need to talk, I'm free, and I'm on here a lot. Just message me if you'd like =)
Take Care.
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