A
female
age
41-50,
*ion
writes:i have been seeing my boy friend for over a year i have now moved in to his house, he is in the army so he is away in the week and i am on my own i am happy and i did know that when i moved in that it would be like this,my boy friend has a little girl that he sees every weekend i dont mind as i did know when i got with him that he would be having her 1 day every weekend, my problem is i am finding it hard i have told him this but he just dose not get it, when i talk to him and say that 1 day i might want childred he says we will see and then says he dose not want any more children, i just dont know what to do with my self i dont know if i should stay with him or move out and move on i dont want to move on because i love him but i dont know what to do now can some 1 help me
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female
reader, CaptainReynolds  +, writes (6 March 2010):
I think, as hard as it is, you are going to have to move on. You feel resentment, but really it's not towards the child, but towards the fact that he doesn't want any in the future with you. You need to decide how important it is to you to have children. If it's something you want to do, you are going to have to move on and find love with someone else. He has decided that he doesn't want any more children, and putting pressure on him is not going to change his mind - really. You could try to explain to him how important it is to you - that while you don't want children at this moment, you will in the future. See how he responds. And then, as I think will be the case, move on. The child has nothing to do with how you are feeling. She is part of his life, and if you stay together and have children, you should respect that she is a part of his life.
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (6 March 2010):
If you feel resentment towards him having to spend time once a week with his innocent child then its better for you to move on and find a single guy; because that child is not going anywhere for the the next 20 years. It is difficult to develop maternal instincts for a child who is not your own; even harder when you see that poor child as competition. If you wanted to keep your man then you will have to accept that child as part of his "warts and all" package. If its too hard, just move out and start a new life with someone who is single. As a single mother dating, I have met single childless men who have said I want you in my life but not your kids, so I have had to show them the door. However, I have had more success and happiness dating men with their own children. My current partner who has one adult child acts like he loves my children more than their own father. His love did not begin magically; it started off with outward actions such as taking them out on awkward outings alone without me there to build their own relationship; sometimes just to the grocery store or to watch the game or just for pizza and icecream. Over time they became close and they have so much respect for him because he added value to their lives rather than treated them as an obstacle. They will backchat their dad but if he talks to them they will listen and take his advice. And for a single parent that's like finding a rare treasure. If you were able to look deep in your heart to eventually find love for that child, your boyfriend will be endlessly grateful that he met you. Children are sensitive and they know when they are not wanted even if you pretend. Once they start reading fairy tales they start looking for "wicked step mother" signs. So really, if you can't handle it then let him go.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (6 March 2010):
 Forgive me if I am wrong here as I don't know you but are you feeling resentful of his existing child because you don't have one of your own with him? In my opinion it is unfair and unrealistic to expect you to look after or spend time with his child unless he is prepared to give you one of your own. It is an unrealistic expectation to ask of any woman and as he has said that he doesn't want anymore children I think you need to tell him that it is not an acceptable situation for you. I have known many couples who look after or spend time with their step children but very few willingly do this unless they also have their own child with the man as a form of compensation I suppose. I am a lot older than you but would still like a child with my husband. He has three children already but I would not really want to spend time with his existing children unless he was prepared to give me my own child. He too did not want anymore children but I think he realises it is not practical to expect a woman who wants a child with the man to spend time with any existing children without trying for a child because they become too resentful.
My advice and I have thought about this question a lot as experienced the situation myself would definitely be if he doesn't change his mind and try for a child with you willingly, would be to move on. You are young enough to find a man without any children who could experience the joys of fatherhood with you for the first time which is very special.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2010): If you want children and he doesn't want to have any more, then he is not the man for you. You need to sit down and talk to him about it, and find out where you both stand. Compromises can be made in relationships, but not on big issues like this. Having his daughter at the weekend, might be hard to start with, but as time goes on and everybody gets used to each other it will get easier. Maybe talk to him about having a weekend every so often for just the two of you, because the weekend is all you get together.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 March 2010):
 For a man, seeing you every week, taking you out to dinner, and being committed to you means doing a lot. Compared to other man, he's not abusive, alcoholic, or cheating. There are men who are more available, but have other set of problems, such as losing the spark early on from seeing you too much, getting tired at the end of the day, watching porn, snores too much, or doing other stuff to pisses you off. Modern man is tired, stressed out, and unavailable. The ones who take care of their children are responsible, so at least give him some credit. The court usually favors mothers having custody of their children, so something's really wrong with his ex. His ex probably broke up for the reason they don't see each other enough. Now he could only hope to date a woman who doesn't mind him having a child. I believe if you just enjoy whatever time you have with him, then you already gained something. It's better to see each other once a week and have a good time rather than fight all the time every day. If he's damn sure he doesn't want a child, then you need to move on because the older you get, the harder to find a single guy without past baggage, unless you focus your attention on younger guys.
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